If I am to grow or if I am to better myself from this point forward, regardless of what’s to come or in spite of what is, and no matter what takes place from here on in – if I am to be better, then I have to be better.
It’s that simple, right?

I am not here to benefit anyone else, at least not at the moment. No, this is a selfish entry and one that I need to confess.
As I have mentioned to you before, I am in the middle of so many changes. Too many things happened at once and while I wish I could say that I’ve handled this in style, the truth is no. I’ve lost my head a few times.
Maybe even more than a few times. But then again, the reason why I developed this place in my head and the reason behind the journals is because I had to find some way to process the thoughts and the ideas that swirl around in my head.
Hence – this is why I say – so, this might not be manly.
But then again, maybe I don’t know what being manly is.

Dear Mom . . .
I am sorry that it’s been so long since my last letter. A lot has changed since then. In fact, it has been said the three biggest changes that take place in life is your work life, your home life and your love life. All three of these things have changed for me at the same time. My wok life has changed. My love life has changed and my home life has changed and been reduced to a small, one-bedroom apartment in the upstairs of a private house.

The idea behind this trip is so that I can somehow make my way through this next chapter. I want to heal as best as I can.
But this change is a hard one.
The upcoming moments are unclear and I am trying to process a brand new life. Again, all of this is unplanned and the uncharted territory is enough to make any man crazy.
And am I crazy?
Sure . . . 
You bet I am.

I took a long drive yesterday . . .
I had to do something to be stronger than the voices in my head yet, the drive itself does not replace much of my thought with action. However, I do see this as either healing or cathartic.
The drive, I mean. 
The radio plays at a moderate level. Not too loud, but just loud enough.
Do you know what I mean?

It is August and we are midway through the month.
Soon, our side of the world is going to lean away and be farther from the sun. This means that cooler months will prevail and that sooner than we think, it will be the holiday season.
This was interesting to me when I moved through the grocery store last night. I had to get some last minute things and there it was. I noticed the aisles that were filled with Halloween decorations. I see this as an upcoming event which leads to an interesting time of year.
These are the months that are both the coldest and warmest of them all.
I say this for different reasons of course.
Either way, I am here now. Speaking of now – I am trying to find my way.
But my way keeps changing.

Am I scared?
Sure. I’m scared. I’m scared of the unknown and the obvious and yes, I’m scared of what might happen. Lastly, I’m scared of the great abyss or the depth of personal despair which comes with ideas and thoughts of shame, turned inwards and then festering like a sore that won’t go away –
Again, these are all concepts of the mind.
I know this and so do you.
However, I also know that this only lives and breathes so long as we keep this alive.
Right?

I was never sure if I knew what love is. I suppose I compared it to the artwork of Benfield, which I am certainly a fan of him and Thomas Kinkade. Either of them, for some reason, have the ability to inspire me with their paintings. But wait – what is this?
Is this too sappy for an early morning explanation of where I am (or why)?
But wait – there’s more.

I suppose all of this goes against the grain of what I was taught. All of this goes against what I used to think or believe. As far as what it means to be a man, I understand that my definition has changed over the years.
Then again, I have changed over the years too. I am not who I was nor do I want to be who I used to be.

At the same time, I am working on this new life which I have been telling you about. I realize that I have to let go. I have to unburden myself, which means I have to rid myself from the wreckage of my past or the so-called past dilemmas that either led me towards an idea of personal destruction or furthered my drowning moments in emotional quicksand.

I suppose the real question is . . .
What if I take a shot?
What if I go at it and I miss?
What if I give it everything I have and I come up short?
Or worse, what if I fall and then I end up with dirt on my face?

This letter to all is my letter of intention.
This is to you –
This is to the one who keeps my time. This is to the one who keeps track of my mistakes and my faults and to the one who reminds me of my misspoken chaos or the times which I regret.