I write this to you, tired as ever, and after a long shift at work and a sleepless night.
But as tired as I am, I write this to you as a person who made a commitment to do this; to reach out to you on a daily basis because I knew that if I give in once, it becomes easier to give in again. Next it becomes even easier to quit – which is why I go on and push myself to move in the direction of greatness.
I am and will always be a working man.
In the quiet moments of morning’s first light, I find myself in front of a small machine with a blue light that surrounds a little silver button. I push the button, of course, and this results in the start of the magic aroma of my first cup of coffee.
I love this ritual . . .
I have created a routine for myself which starts like this. When I push the magic button with the blue light, the machine starts to gurgle and hiss, and then the coffee leaks into my cup.
I like this sound. I associate this with different memories from when I was young. I associate this with a sense of refusal to give in to my tiredness.
I also associate this to a memory from back when Mom would make her coffee in an old coffee pot that would percolate.
I have created this morning routine which I refuse to let go of.
I refuse to let go of this the same as I refuse to let go of my dreams (or you) because although I might not have all the answers and although my bank account is not as high as I would like it to be; and although the job market has not caused someone to call me up or knock on my door, as if to say “Hey, Benny! Where the hell have you been? We’ve been looking all over for you,” at least I have this moment.
At least I have these few minutes alone.
At least I have a picture in my head, which I can learn to transform into words on a page which has been lifesaving to me.
Years back, I had no aims or no real hopes or aspirations to do much more than skate by, somehow, or to fly under the radar and just get by. At minimum, I was only trying to survive.
I was merely existing without any hopes or aspirations to do anything more than get through the day without biting my own face off.
I was just trying to “make it through” without fighting the overwhelming fears and the insecurities. In the realm of success, I suppose I thought my best success would be limited to an infinite medium or averageness; whereas to be average would be “just enough.” To expect more would be simply this:
Crazy!
I was comfortable with this, yet at the same time, I had no idea how unhappy and unsatisfied I was.
I was blind so therefore, I didn’t see how much I had surrendered and given up.
But the truth is – I wanted more.
I’ve always wanted more.
I suppose I signed the contract and settled on this which means I took the trade because whether I thought I was undeserving or if this was all that I deserved, and at best, this “was life,” the truth is I never took a step towards the hopes that I could dare to embrace a better and more fulfilling life.
I never took the chance to risk anything and find out what it means to overcome or to dare and step forward, bravely. If this had nothing to do with bravery, I never took the chance to refuse my surroundings because I knew that I wanted more.
I never took responsibility for the life I had and, therefore, it would be impossible to have the life I wanted.
I know this now. And that’s the bitch about knowledge.
Once you know – you can’t pretend like you don’t know anymore.
Years back I took a job that was okay for me (at the time) and to keep the bills paid, I did what I could. I did what I had to do.
I wanted more and had hopes that I could do more with my life but at the same time, I never dared or tried.
I never stepped forward to educate myself. In fear that maybe I would fail or that my fears would be true; that I wasn’t smart enough or good enough and rather than face the external rejection, I surrendered to the imaginary rejection from within and never took the chance to honor myself –
or step forward.
No one knew this, but I did.
No one knew what lurked beneath my surface.
But I knew all too well.
I smiled at the right people. I kissed a few rings and paid respect to the higher-ups.
One day, not too long ago, someone asked me, “Where do you see yourself in three years?”
I had no answer.
I had no zest or love for my future self. At best, my answer was unremarkable or my answer was truly undeserving.
I had no idea and no clue yet that any of this was going on inside of me. I answered very simply or matter-of-factly and said, “I don’t know.”
“I guess I’ll be working the same job I’ve been working for the last 20 years.”
Then the question came, “Well, is that what you want for yourself?”
It was clear that my answer was both aimless and passionless.
I had no zest or charge of energy behind any of this.
No, I was thinking like a person who locked themselves in a box. I wasn’t thinking like a person who wanted to see more and do more. I wasn’t thinking like a person who believed in themselves.
No, I answered as a person who surrendered and submitted.
Even though I knew that I wanted more, I wanted to live more and love more and above all, I wanted to feel more. I wanted to find that dare to be great scenario; as in to be able to stand in front of the crowds of people we see every day and be unafraid or unwavering and to be “me” without regret or second-guessing myself – I knew I wanted more.
I was not thinking like a person who wanted to laugh more or experience more than the typical “get up, go to work, come home” and live my life in a cycle or rinse and repeat.
No, instead I was thinking like a person who was caught up in their humdrum lifestyle and with zero passion, zero hopes, no aspirations and no affiliation with whatever dreams may come my way. For the first time, I realized how submissive I had become.
I realized that although there are times when it makes sense to surrender to win, and while I knew there were times that I “gave in” so-to-speak, I realized that I never tried.
I never dared. I never looked to exhaust my options.
I never did more than dress up and show up and do “just enough.”
What kind of life is this?
I used to give in to every outside influence. I gave in to people, places and things. I never thought about things like “commitment to self” or commitment to growth.
I never placed honor where my honor belonged the most which is with me.
The truth is, I’ve always wanted to be memorable. I’ve always wanted to be remarkable.
I want to be more than just a mark in a book or a person on the bus, leaning my forehead against a window and watching a world pass by, almost sadly or tragically. In this sad submission, I want to be more than just a digit or a figure or a statistic.
Sure, I’ll stand up to be counted – but I want to be more than just a number.
I never thought about finding comfort, even when I am disliked. I never thought about how to separate myself from loss and instead of investing in my losses, and instead of investing in my fears or my worries that either I’ll look foolish or worse, exposed. I was afraid that I’ll be laughed at by everyone around me which, in and of itself, is only the faults and flaws and the cracks and imperfections in a little porcelain doll, which we all know as our ego – I never took the chance to let me be myself.
I never took the chance to dare the weather and brave the storm.
I spun around the sun, so many times, and failed to step forward so many times; and more, I failed to reach or to dare.
I failed to even try, to love, to live, to laugh and dance. I also failed to reach for the levels of what I truly deserve.
Instead, I gave in and surrendered to my worst adversary which was me.
I have created this pattern of living which has helped me stay alive.
I come here, each and every morning, because in answer to the question, where do I see myself in three years?
The answer has changed considerably.
At the same time, I’m not sure where I see myself.
Only, the difference between this question now as opposed to when I first heard this is at least now, I’m fighting back against the sad tragic ideas of mediocrity.
I’m not where I want to be yet.
But I’m not where I was either.
I might not be doing everything in my power – yet.
Perhaps the answers are just around the corner or coming to me in the near future, but in the past, the answers would have never come to me at all. In my submission, I was never looking for the sun coming up in the horizon; instead, I was only living. I was only breathing.
I was only existing and not living.
I can’t say that I don’t have meltdowns or freak-outs.
I do.
All the time.
But I allow myself the imperfections of life because rather than look to be perfect or flawless, now my aim is to look for the life I want to live instead of live the life that I’ve had.
I’m not afraid anymore –
At least not like I used to be.
These acts of motivation which I share with you are sent with the intention to expose my old fears and old shames so that, in fact, whether I want to quit or not, these facts are detailed, documented and reported, which calls for a new contract. In the request for a new life, I place my truths here to hold in your trust to keep me accountable.
I had to find my own method to counteract the demons in my head.
I suppose this leads me to the question I have for you –
What acts have you created for yourself?
What have you done to honor your truths and your wants, or your dreams and your desires?
What have you done for yourself today?
What will you plan to do so that your tomorrow will come with a better promise?
How do we recreate our sanity?
We define it.
We have to allow ourselves to go crazy every now and again.
But more, we have to allow ourselves the right to dream and feel and to visualize our life in the perspective that our best hopes for ourselves are within our reach.
There is no more submission to the five fingers of rejective thinking.
There is no more time for doubt.
There is only this little moment, like right now, which is what I have come here for (once more) because I know that since this is in writing, I’ve signed this daily contract (so-to-speak) which means I’ll have to do more than dress up and show up. Instead, this means if I want to live, then I’ll have to live –
I have to because I’ve seen the other side of this equation.
I’ve existed for 50 years. And maybe it’s true, my time is limited.
Well then, fine.
Then if my time is limited, then let me limit myself to the occasions that matter the most to me.
Let me live my life like this, without regard for anything other than to live for the important things in life.
Let me rebel against my inner demons and the turmoil that had me forfeit instead of fight for the life I deserve . . .
Time waits for no one.
And that’s fine.
Because I’m not waiting for time anymore.
Instead – I’m going to live now.
Right now . . .
because who knows where I’ll be in three years but wherever it is, I know it will be more than where it would’ve been if I never took a chance or opened my eyes and took a risk.
The Written Addiction 