Before moving to the next phase and while we are still on the topic of inspirational thoughts to push us forward, we are here to seek ownership of our lives. To control our lives, we have to understand where our control begins and where this ends.
The important items in our life that we have to consider are the items that are within our control.
The reason I list this is because part of the definition of sanity is to be able to think and behave in a normal or rational manner. This means sanity is also an action which is to behave reasonably or with rational behavior.
Okay – so, let’s discuss.
So then, to be in control of oneself, it would stand to reason that this would mean we need to be rational and reasonable. Of course . . .
This makes sense, right?
But then if we know this, what causes us to act unreasonably or irrationally?
Of course, intellectually, we all know the answer to this.
The definition of control is to have the power or influence over something or to have jurisdiction over the course of certain events.
Then there’s the word power, as in the ability to do something; as in the ability to act in a certain way which, again, is to have the power or to be in control of ourselves; this would mean that we have the power and the control to act reasonably and/or rationally.
I suppose the opposite of sanity is insanity.
The opposite of power would be powerlessness and the opposite of control is enough to drive us insane. So, to be out of control, or weak, or to be powerless, helpless and/or defenseless is not the optimal choice for anyone. Of course, it’s not.
Yet, with everything we do and with every step we take; we look to control our lives to the best of our ability. We look to avoid harm. We look to remove threats of danger.
In the case of self-help and transformational changes, we look to control and to master our “best selves” so that we can improve to an ultimate level and reach that place in life which is the land of our best possible potential.
I have heard the empowering calls which teach us to “take control of your life.”
I have heard speakers talk about ridding ourselves from the powerless mind and finding our strength so we can not only overcome our adversities, but so we can learn, live and build an empowered life.
For years now, I have been familiar with a special prayer which, in this context, this prayer is neither about religion or a belief in God; however, I will share this because of its point which is both fitting and true.
Also known as the Serenity prayer, if we actually listen to the words (as opposed to just saying them), we find amazing truth –
The prayer asks for the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can and the wisdom to know the difference
I am slightly at odds with this. While this might be from a subjective standpoint, with regards to the word “wisdom” and in all honesty, it’s not that I have not been wise enough to let things go.
Instead, it’s a challenge with my emotional burdens; whereas intellectually or, better yet, stoically, there’s no hinge to the emotional factors of our life.
But the truth is emotions are real. We all have them
We have feelings and thoughts. We have opinions. We have assumptions and worries and concerns. Out of concern for the loss of control, or due to the worries that we cannot change or ‘fix” something beyond our grasp, we tend to try and manipulate or change the systems around us.
I have seen parents who have been alienated after divorce. I have seen them try to fix and control their relationships with their children. Meanwhile, in the fight “to be right,” or in the need for control or in the fight to acknowledge who’s deserving (or more deserving) of validation, I have seen more than one side lose to this equation.
I have seen mothers bury the names of their kids’ fathers and likewise, I have watched fathers slander the names of their kids’ mothers. But why?
I have watched people as they were taken out in handcuffs while taking a state-run examination because they were cheating.
I have seen people lose themselves to outrageous thoughts, assumptions and ideas all because there was an outcome that was beyond their control.
But more importantly, the idea of the possible outcome; or the ideas of failure or the subjective ideas that surround rejection or somehow this relates to a personal degradation of value when, in fact, this is only a concept of the mind.
This is only a problem in our thought system and once more; this is that tiny porcelain doll, otherwise known as our ego, looking to hide its faults and flaws and to distract the world from our cracks and imperfections, we deflect, we cheat, we look to gain a sense of control – even if the contents of this are beyond our control, there are times when people are so intent on being right, that they will hold on so tight, even at personal risk, just not to be wrong.
The last thing I want this journal to be is boring. But to add background and to simplify our path to sanity, it’s important to look at the items which degrade our sanity.
Something that remains true and more often I seem to forget this on my own, only relearn the obvious and painful truth which is this: the more I try to control something, the more I lose control of myself.
Then again, the more I try to control something that is beyond my control, especially when it comes to the point where I lose my own control by forfeiting my sense of self; then apparently, I have lost myself to my unhelpful thinking again.
This means I have given in to the different scenarios in my head.
This means I have allowed the move to play out in my head.
I have assumed the positions, the thoughts, the feelings and the emotions of my “worst case” scenario and as a result, I am responding and reacting to an inaccurate math that’s been summed up in my head.
This means I have given in to the different biases and opinions of something that is beyond me, which is something that I can’t “fix” or “control” or do anything about.
I previously used the word “jurisdiction” in one of the paragraphs above.
This means the power or right to define authority, control or law within the limits of a specific or specified territory.
I think about that word “territory” which means an area or land that is within jurisdiction of law or control.
Back when I was a kid, I remember the different parts of my town.
I remember the territorial aspect of these parts and the so-called turf wars which took place.
I have heard people say, “You’re out of your territory, pal . . . you better watch it!”
I have seen people encroach. I have seen fights take place.
I have watched people overstep.
And I have seen this lead to hurt feelings and more.
But why?
Is it all because someone stepped on someone else’s turf?
Is this all because someone was out of their jurisdiction?
When I consider the ideas of “self” and the ideas of power and control, and when I look to perfect this as my craft and to keep myself “in-control” so that I can act, think, judge and behave both reasonably and rationally, then the obvious protocol here would be to stay on my own turf.
The obvious choice is to understand the extent of my jurisdiction and to stay within the extent of my personal law, which is my own math. Again, since I am always the square root to my own equation, then I have to mind my own personal mathematics.
I have to be mindful of my jurisdiction; otherwise, I’m stepping out into a world where i have no say, no law, no authority and more aptly: no control.
I used to lose to this like water loses to a drain.
I love this analogy.
And it’s mine to reuse as I see fit.
To lose to something like water loses to a drain.
To lose myself –
To lose my control –
To find myself out of control, or powerless –
Or even more humbling –
To be defenseless –
Or helpless –
But if we list these things as items –
What are they?
These are all conflicts in the mind.
I have both convicted and crucified myself. I have held myself accountable for acts and actions that were beyond my control.
I have accepted the wrongdoings of others or from an outside source or an uncomfortable influence, which was beyond my control. Yet, I have owned these things as if they are mine.
I have literally buried myself while trying to change, correct or to relitigate items that were far beyond my control. Again, I ask the same question:
To what avail?
I do not report this as an offer to give up on something or someone you love. I do not offer this as a rationalization to quit or give up on something that’s important to you, yet it’s not working out.
Instead, I offer this as a line in the sand.
Or wait no.
This is our boundary.
This is our divisional line that separates us from unsafe or unwanted thinking. And more, this boundary is here to protect us and others on either side of the line.
But first –
we just have to remember what side of the line we stand on.
We need to understand our jurisdiction.
We have to know where our lane is and, if we choose to switch or change lanes, then so be it.
Let’s change.
Let’s step out of our comfort zone.
Let’s look to build and to grow and to improve.
But still, let’s not forget the turf laws.
Let’s remember the toes we have and how we hated them to be stepped on.
Let’s abide by the rules that we set for others.
Let’s understand where our abilities start and where they end because outside of our abilities are the realms of powerlessness.
Right?
I cannot make anyone love me.
I cannot force anyone to see things my way.
I cannot change what happened and I cannot relitigate the past nor can I argue over what happened because, put simply; it’s already happened.
It’s over and in the past, which means you and I don’t live there anymore.
It’s in the record books. Therefore. looking back will only keep us in the argument of what took place.
Now . . .
We have been talking a lot about the here and now.
We have been talking about what it means to be ‘present,” as in to be fully conscious, as in to unlock ourselves from the blockages and the obstacles of the mind.
We have been talking about what it means to be “in-control,” as opposed to what it’s like to be “out-of-control.”
I have often heard the saying, “Play silly games, win silly prizes.”
I have also heard people say, “Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.”
Or, at street-level, and for this I’ll kindly ask you to allow for a verse of profanity, but in the streets there’s a game called “Fuck around and Find Out!”
I have played that game before. I have stepped out of my jurisdiction in more ways than one.
I have encroached. I have intruded.
I have tried to fix and control items that were beyond the extent of my jurisdiction and what happened?
I played a silly game.
I won a silly prize.
I have played stupid games too.
Yes, I won stupid prizes.
Or more harshly, yes.
I fucked around . . .
and I found out.
My sanity is my responsibility.
Therefore, this means my accountability must be in check.
This means I have to be mindful of my turf and my jurisdiction; otherwise, I’m fighting against a big forest fire when meanwhile, my own house is burning down.
This is an introduction to Phase Five
Boundaries – this is our line, our turf and our jurisdiction.
I’ll leave you with this quote from Prentiss Hemphill, which fits perfectly:
Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.
I agree with this –
To me, my boundaries allow me to understand the extent of my jurisdiction, to keep me on my turf and to keep myself both reasonable and rational, so that if nothing else at all, at least I can control myself –
And be happy.
The Written Addiction 