Notes from the Neighborhood – Taking the Show on the Road

The problem is confidence. Yes, that’s it . . .
Then again, if the problem is our confidence then the solution is also confidence.
So to be fair, the problem lies in-between. If this is so, then the question becomes how do we build this? How do we resecure our footing so that we can take a step and move forward at a gradual and incremental basis?

Better yet, how do we restore this?
Our confidence, I mean.

How do we move away from the nerves of our unsure questions?
I pose this question because these are the thoughts that are either irrational or thought-provoking enough that we lead ourselves into the harsh and unsettled fields of irrational battles.
By the way, these are the ideas that lead us to fights that don’t need to happen. This is what causes unnecessary problems between people. And this is what drowns the aspects of unconditional love.
Ah, the mind is one hell of a trick.

This is why people tell us, “Stay out of your own head!”
I say this all the time yet here I am.
“Hello, Head!”

I say this because this is where the battles take place….
In your head.
This is where the worries begin and where troubles burst into an out-of-control dilemma which, to be honest, most times is something that didn’t need to happen in the first place.
But here we are, entangled and wrapped-up in a cocoon of bullshit complications.

This is where the deception of our perception sways us away from our best possible self . . .
and I’ve been here more than once. In fact, they even have a special seat for me.

I can see what this does.
I can see what my insecure nature has done, both to and for my life. In answer to this question, my unsureness has riddled my mind with problems and biased assumptions.
This has both robbed me of love and of my best life.
This is where the impending doom strikes up the tune for the marching band and where the thousands of troops put on their boots and braces and then, of course, this where the parade begins and how this marches through our head, all day long.

I see how this has happened when, in all fairness, my dreams and my hopes and my wants and desires were quite the opposite.
However, in the span of my life and with all of my losses and regrets, I can say that whether I was “right for the part” or not a good fit for the show; either way, I understand that our confidence speaks volumes.

In fact, the lack of confidence can almost be an insult to those around us. This hurts the people who hold us in high regard. A lack of confidence and the leading thoughts that run away with a catastrophic mindset can (and will) destroy the roots of any flowery hopes. Doubt is a weed that kills what we hoped would blossom.
Believe this –
Our insecurity and the volume of the whispers in our mind are louder than any scream, And be assured that this can and will drown out the sounds of any loving reassurance. 
No matter how many times someone says, I love you, doubt can drown this volume to the lowest decibel.

I know this from both sides now.
I know this because there were times when I thought no matter what I’d say or how I try to reassure someone who lacks confidence, nothing was good enough.
Yet, on the other side of this is me when I was low and lost. I wanted to make things work. I wanted to make things fit. I wanted this so badly that I was so afraid of the reverse which is what eventually and inevitably happened. Why? Does this mean love was not real?
Does this mean that unconditional love has conditions?
Maybe . . . .
I suppose that more honestly, this is because I questioned everything.
I suffocated the wind and took away the oxygen from the only lungs that had the breath to say, “I love you.”

See what we have here?
We have a predicament.
We have a dilemma.
We have challenges and a problem. At the same time, the problem is thought-based and therefore, our problems at hand are both irrationally and internally misleading.
Which, again, this is how doubts and fear destroy our confidence and so, if confidence is our problem then confidence is also our only solution.

I do not want to live that life “Inside of my head.”
I do not want or need the distractions that come with my irrational or insecure concepts.

I do not want to fight or wage war against imaginary enemies.
I say no to this because I can see what this has done both to me and for me.
I can see how this has closed windows that were once opened to my new opportunities. 

I am looking back now at what took place over the last two months. I am looking back at my starting point and my ups and downs. I am looking back at my hopes and my so-called false hopes.
I am not wandering back and forth anymore or trying to understand or to figure out what was real or not. 

But I do know this –
I spent my first night of this new journey in a car. I spent a few nights in a hotel room and then I spent about one month in the basement of a friend’s house.
I can say this was part of my bottom. I can say that there was a piece of me who could see the writing on the walls. Only, I didn’t want to believe what I was thinking.

I can see where the ups and downs took place. I can see where my worries grabbed hold of me and I can also see where my constant questioning took hold and like a weed; I can see how this both suffocated and destroyed my confidence.

Do I have it back now?
No . . .
Am I gaining momentum?
Maybe . . .

However, as I draft these notes into consideration for the next or possible series of honest and published journals, I am recording my findings both openly and truthfully.
I am doing this without regard for the critics or for those who cannot, should not or would not understand.
No, these notes are an honest detail of what takes place in life, with divorce, or with love or the perception of love, and in the absence of love or when love is gone, these notes are going to be my details of what it takes to get back up. This will detail what it takes to stand back up, even when there’s no one around to help you get to your feet.

This is to detail that being alone and being lonely are not the same thing. The aim to improve needs to allow for times when we have to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. 

So?
Well?

Same as it is okay to NOT be okay, there are times in our life when we have to be comfortable with the fact that life will deliver some uncomfortable news.
Whether I am to handle this by myself or whether I have help; or, if I have no one at all and I’ll have to figure out where to go or what to do by myself; and even if I’ll have to learn more about setting up new passwords, or doing silly things like this; I’ll have to find out how to do this. Even if this includes things that I never had to do before, this means that I’ll have to learn more about the way I do things now.

And that’s fine . . .

But –
I called to find out about a flight.
I figure that since my birthday is around the corner, I might as well be the person who gives me the best birthday gift in the world.

I am seeking an application to open up the next few chapters of a brand new life. I have never been this daring before and no, this was not my plan. But plans change. People go elsewhere. Life moves on.
And so will I –

I have a plan now. While my plan is too new to really see or visualize the benefits of what’s ahead, I know that the options behind me are no longer an option that’s open to me.

So then?
Now what?

I might have told you this before but Mom used to always test her typing skills by typing, “Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country.”

I don’t know much about being a good man (or not) and I don’t know where my future is heading. I only know that I have a bucket list. So now –
I have a trip in mind.
I am seeking a trip to gather some dirt from the side of a place which I am told, this place has healing powers. Maybe this place does have healing powers.
Or maybe this is all bullshit.
Maybe the only healing powers this trip can offer me is the confidence that I can make this trip on my own. I can schedule it. I can fly down, rent a car and drive over to a place that I’ve only seen pictures of.

I can find a little spot to eat. Maybe I can buy a sandwich. Maybe I can find a place with a good piece of pie or a good bowl of soup.
I’m big on soup . . .

Maybe I’ll look up at the stars from the desert where Mom spent her youth and maybe, just maybe I can find a shooting star – so, I can make a wish, of course. 

Maybe  . . .

Oh, and Dear Mom, 

I am not sure where you are right now. And I can only hope the universe delivers my message. But either way, your baby boy is about to embark on a trip – that is, of course, if I can make it happen.
I’m going to make a deal . . .
and there’s no going back on it.

I have to find something, Mom.
It’s been lost for a while.
And of course, this has led me to lose other things too.

So, by the time this message reaches you, I am hopeful that my next few clicks on the computer will allow me to navigate my first of a few new journeys.
This one is close to your old home. And the next one . . .
Well, that one’s not for publication and something for me to consider.

But for now,
I am going to take my show on the road and look to both find and redefine my confidence.
I realize this because anything that’s been lost was never truly mine anyway. It was only a loan. I don’t like loans, Mom. There’s too much interest to pay for, which I’m paying now.

Therefore, to square up with the house and be even, I’m taking a trip.
I’ll be taking a ride on a train. I’ll be heading to places where I‘ve never been. And yes, I’ll be alone for this. But that’s okay.
It’s okay because I understand my reasons.
I understand that since this is for me, then this is for me and that’s fine because no matter where I go, your baby boy will always look to find my way home.
No matter where my feet take me, your little prince will always return to his castle. And wherever this castle may be . . . my aim to restore my life is a means to rebuild my confidence.
I want this so that when I dare or find myself brave enough to try and dance with someone again, I know that my heart will be prepared – and my destiny will be kinder. 

I know this because I know that one thing above all; if I am to love, then I have to love truly. And if I am to live, then I have to live both truly and confidently.

Otherwise, I question everything.
When this happens, I miss out on everything as well because I’m looking in every other direction instead of seeing what I have in front of me. 

I’m okay Mom.
I am . .
But, I could use you right about now.
Your mashed potatoes and chicken cutlets, for example. And the way you’d touch my shoulder when you’d put a plate of food in front of me.
This would tell me, “It’s okay, son” and “Don’t worry.”
“Mom loves you!”

I go back to what I was mentioning a few entries ago.
I go back to those last words of a chess master who turned into a madman. However, in his final moment of clarity, Bobby Fischer said, “Nothing is as healing as the human touch.”

I tend to agree with Mr. Fischer on this one.
However, to add to his quote, I have to say that the right touch from the right person is the most healing of all. While I am in a quasi-state of  in-between, I understand that my destiny is still unwritten.
Hence this journal will eventually come to a close.
Perhaps, I’ll close this on the day that I make my way down to Albuquerque – and that’s not too far from your old parts of town.
 
See if you can meet me in the airport (somehow).
It would be nice to take this trip with you.

This way, I might be alone . . .
But at least I won’t be lonely, Mom.

Love always,
Your baby boy

B –