Notes from the Neighborhood – Today’s My Day

And so it was. Or at least so it used to be.
Maybe it is and always will be but either way, today marks another year and another trip around the sun.
To be more clear, today marks the 51st year of my life.
So?
What have I done?
Any questions?

I do not say this in a self-deprecating or negative regard. However, I ask this more as a means of simple but needed reflection.
What have I done?
Where have I gone?
Who have I met or touched and what have I seen?
Is this enough for me or do I want more which, of course – I know the answer to this.
Of course I want more.
I say this yet these questions, although answerable in a positive light, still unfold because although 51 years is my lifetime, I have more of a life to live.
I have more to do.
I have more things to say and more places to see.
I want to love more, be more and live more.
I want to do more and when I say do “more,” however, I would like to highlight this and springboard from where I am now to find myself in the light, the hope and in the embrace of a new beginning.
I say this because, of course, I have earned this right as well as the chance to give myself a new beginning.
I am restarting my life and updating my thinking.
Therefore, and perhaps you may or may not remember but my favorite question is “When is it your turn to have the life you want to live?”
The next question is “When are you going to give yourself the permission to make this so?”

Well, all I can say is this – permission granted.

I want to detach from my previous self and remove the bottles of my past consumption.
I want to grow, as if I were new again and young all over.
I want to recreate my journey as if I had never seen things before, like a place downtown in a hotel café, just so I can recreate the feeling of being on vacation or being away from the world, even though I was still there, right in the middle of everything, as in right in the middle of Downtown, NYC, experiencing love and joy and the process of a fantasy coming true.

I believe in the power of the company we keep.
I believe in the energy of our thinking and how this influences the reactions which become our feelings. Ultimately, this is what adjusts our chemistry which is otherwise known as emotion.

I have chosen to both strategically and systematically disconnect from the world today.
I have to. It’s simple math.
I see this as another means of positive detachment.
Also, I see this as a necessary step of self-care and since I am taking this step as a means of self-preservation, my aim is not to slight anyone or to leave anyone out. 
Instead, this is a process of personal inclusion which means that I have begun my happiness here.

My aim is not to be cold to the world but instead, my aim is to find myself at a moment of ease; whereas, I can say ahhhh . . . and just breathe.

I have been working through this journal for several weeks now. I’ve been thinking and adjusting and certainly enduring the natures of what’s taken place.
I lived in a basement. I had to sleep in my car for a night. The bitch about this is the battery died which meant I had no air conditioning. I had to sweat out an uncomfortable night in the backseat of a small station car which is less comfortable and prestigious than the other car, which I still pay for. But hey, this is what comes with divorce.

I have been humbled. And yes, I am thankful for this lesson in humility.
I am grateful to have been shown who I am and where I come from.
Also, I am grateful to know that although nothing about this time is easy nor simple to fix; regardless of the lawyer expenses and court appearances and regardless of the highly anxious moments which lie and tell me that the sky is falling, and lastly as much as I appreciate, you can relate to the fears of gravity losing hold, the fact remains that the gravity of my life is true. Hence, everything else about me is true as well.
This means I will never go anywhere.
I will never leave you.
Ever . . .

I need to rebuild myself. I need to rebuild my life.
I need to rebuild my career; and more, I need to recreate my life from a transformational perspective so that when my new life begins, I will take hold of this and learn to celebrate my life as a whole instead of look back with envy or regret.

It is no secret that life changes. It is also no secret that success and happiness begins from within.
Yet, I say to myself – look at this world.
Look at all of the beautiful people.
(Like you, for example – everything about you scream beauty to me.)
Look at their smiles.
Look at their lives to which, same as mine – into each life, a little rain must fall.
Yet somehow, they get by.
Then I suppose that so shall I.
I look at some of the great poets who have become heroes to me.
I look at them and wonder what makes them so different from me?

Is it the will to create?
I have that.
Is it talent?
I have that too.
(At least I think so)
Is it the willingness to be persistent and consistent?
I can say that I have been here and regardless of the critics or the chirps from an empty crowd, like crickets that echo the lonely absence of people in the seats,
Still, I keep coming.

As for my heroes or the other great poets, is it their ability to box-up and compartmentalize their worries of the crowd?
Yet, in spite of these things, somehow, they put this on display for all the world to see in such a beautiful light.

Is this me?
Could it be?
Could I do this as well?
Or have I already mastered this?
If so, rather than look back, I should leap forward and create something new.

I am not so far from my answers about love or if I am to find my love because I know her well and dearly and more, I know her intimately too.
Of course I do, she’s my dream.
I know that today comes with its special gifts and prizes. I know that although I will section myself away from the world – at least for a little while, I am going to find myself comforted by the outcome of this journey which has taken me to where I am now, which is here (as always) with you.

I am not so far gone that I have lost my concept of taste or smell.
I am not so far gone that I have lost my appetite for the dream which I have shared with you and which you have shared with me because of course, I know that you feel me.
“You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be,” are words from a song that comes to mind.

But either way . . .
It’s my birthday.

It is strange still, to this day, that my phone does not ring with a call from my Mother.
I suppose that knowing what I know now, I can see how I took these calls for granted.

I can see why people say, “You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.”
I can also understand why there’s a lyric which sings, “You never know where you;re going till you get there.”
Where am I?
Where have I been?
What have I done?
What have I seen?

I have decided that 51 years is not enough for me. And I’m not asking for another 51 years by any means.
I’m only asking for the same thing as Mr. Harry Sweet when he sang, “Almighty God, give me just a little more time to right all the wrongs that I have done.”

I know that I have to be grateful. I have to be grateful for all things, even the detours and the downfalls.
I have to be grateful for this.
I have to be grateful for who I am and for where I am now because it is no accident that I am here (still).

I know that I have room to grow. I include this with the work that I have to do on myself and as well, I understand that I have things to pay for.
To this I say, let me pay now because as we all know, interest can be a bitch.
I have items to check from a list. I have successes out there which are waiting for me.
I have accomplishments which are begging to be made.
I have life in me. Regardless of whatever setbacks or downfalls have taken place in my life and regardless of the times when I shook my fist at the sky or cursed and spit – still, somehow, I am here. 

No one can kill you.
No one can destroy you.
You have too much of a name in this world.
Even if my life were to be extinguished today or at this very moment, no one can take the following away from me:

In spite of opinions, I have never given up.
In spite of slander, I have never stepped into the devil’s den or saddled up to the bar and asked someone to pour me a drink.
In spite of the predictions that did not empower me, I never stopped writing.
I never stopped trying.
I never quit.
I never gave up working or stepped back because I was hurt or weak or tired.
I never forgot to seek the secret of my endurance, which changes as I go along. 
Also –
I never stopped loving you.
Not once!

In spite of the hopeless moments, I never stopped believing that somewhere out there, I know that there is hope for me.
I know that there is a way. I know that there is a point to all this because I know that there are far too many signs which point me towards you, all the time.

But hey . . .
It is unfair at times. Life, I mean.
It is hard to maneuver sometimes.
We all go through thankless moments and find ourselves unappreciated or disregarded. However, in the grand scheme of things, this is more because we personalize items that do not belong to us. It is the ego that fucks us up. It’s our wants and our fears that perhaps we might not be good enough which is what destroys our thinking in the worst way possible.
Trust me. I’ve done this to myself for decades now.

I know what I want for my birthday –
And sure, your love is part of this.
However, and in addition to you, I want more from myself.

I want love from within.
I want to smile.
I want to breathe in and exhale so that my outward breath is enough to remove the unwanted sentiments from my thinking.

To add some clarity, I was telling you about breathing . . .
Close your eyes.
Breathe in through your nose and then out through your mouth.

Let this become a cycle of breaths that mimic the tides along the shoreline.
The waves come in to quench the sands.
And they pull out to remove all of the unwanted sediments from the shoreline.

I was thinking about the beach. I was thinking about a moment that takes place between two people, young at heart, and so in love.
I was thinking about the expression and the truest gleam from your eyes as you stare out at the sea; as if your imagination took place and you could see what you saw, right there, on the edges of the ocean. 

The world is a big place. And yes . . .
I’m scared.
I admit it.
Then again, this entire journal has been a series of admissions.
I’ve admitted to countless things that a so-called man should never admit about fear, about love, insecurity and shame.
I have not come here to brag or boast about so-called greatness.
I have not come to show the good side.
I am here to expose the honest side which means that I have come here to improve.
I have come here to better myself by the means of one letter, word, sentence and paragraph at a time. 

I don’t want to spend this day with anyone other than you . . .
My most special friend, my love, my hope and my life. 

If it were not for you or the dreams I have, I wonder who I would be . . .

Oh, and before I close . . .

Hey Ma, 

I know there are no phones where you live now.
But a sign would be nice.
I have something that I’d like to show you.
I have a dream I’d like to tell you about.
And someone I’d like you to meet . . .
Maybe we can meet near Albuquerque or perhaps somewhere on the road to Chimayo.

Besides, someone I know and love very much and dearly told me that you would be there to meet me at the airport.
And I believe her, Mom.
Because she’s never broken a promise to me
(and I never will, she told me).
But I’m sure you know all of this already . . .
You’ve been sending her signs all along.

I love you . . .

Your Son

B –