What’s the sense of having a purpose if we don’t make it purposeful?
You know?
I have told you about that game, Never Have I Ever . . .
I’ve told you about this list I’ve been working on and how the list of “Nevers” is longer than I want it to be.
I want to shorten the “never have I ever” list and lengthen the list of things I’ve done or the places I’ve seen.
I want to add to the people I’ve met and, of course, I want to lengthen the list of things I’ve done.
But still, there’s more to this list. There’s more to all of us, I suppose.
There’s absolutely more to me than meets the eye.
Are you ready for this?
I want to believe. I want to believe in life.
I want to believe in love. I want to believe in all that is good and all that is pure. Just to add something, I want to believe in all the goodness around me.
I want to believe in the happily ever after adventures that we hear about.
I want to believe in the connection between us as people and that while incidents and accidents happen, a desirable fate can still persevere.
I want to believe in the substance between friends or the people we care for. Yes, I can say that I have met the world.
I can say that I have met people from the park bench to Park Avenue.
Yet . . .
At the same time, I’ve never met anyone at all.
Hence, this why I pose this challenge to myself.
This is why I am building my list.
I can say this . . .
I have seen the most beautiful people in this world. I have met them in the most unexpected places and during unforeseen circumstances. I have seen how fate can intervene with a so-called normal everyday occurrence and turn this into something serendipitous, as if destiny came over with butterfly kisses, straight from the wind.
I have seen love. I have seen beauty. I have seen the face of youth and the aging face of life. Yet, I have seen nothing at the same time and going forward, I will continue to see nothing unless I take the challenge and dare myself to open my eyes.
So in fairness, I’ve seen nothing,
At least not yet.
I want to fill the buckets of my hope until they overflow with a honey like appeal, so sweet and syrupy that I can drizzle as I walk.
Know why?
I have grown. I have moved on to a different place. I have left bad situations to make my life better.
At the same time, I’ve sunk the ships of dreams. I’ve popped the balloons of hope.
I’ve blurred the lines of fantasy by misleading myself to believe that dreams cannot come true.
Due to circumstances that were both in and out of my control, I have missed the opportunity to live and laugh and to love with all of my heart.
To be clear and transparent, I have news for everyone –
We all go through this. We all say the “could’ve, would’ve” or “should’ve” ideas when we look back in hindsight and think about our regrets.
But me –
I have seen love. And she is perfect.
Whatever flaws anyone might see are meaningless to me. From head to toe,
I have felt love. Also, this is equally perfect.
I have known this; but at the same time, I am in mad search and in crazy and frenzied, wild and outrageous dash because as I move towards my hopes and dreams, I think about Jim Carroll and the end of one of his poems.
“I just want to be pure,” Jim said.
And I do too
I want to be pure
I just want to be good.
I remove the words “enough,” because I reject the sentiment that suggests if I say enough, as in “good enough,” then perhaps this would mean that I am not enough.
Understand?
This bucket is full too.
I want to feel this way – beyond and more.
I want to remove judgment or the skeptical nature that blinds us to the natural beauties of the world around us.
There is beauty in this world.
This place is exceptional and beautiful, and outstanding in the sense that yes – I have seen the devil’s den and all that he offers.
But this is nothing per se. Plastic smiles and fake beauties fail in comparison to someone as wholesome as “Her”
I know what an angel looks like.
I know how it feels to be touched by her wings.
I know what it means to be touched by the grace of something so heavenly yet – in the face of this, I am no stronger than a child in the dark or a kid who’s afraid of the monsters under the bed.
It’s daring that I say this.
It’s brave to say the truth.
Hence, this is why I am listing this item which is up for accomplishment.
It’s daring that I reveal myself because although it may seem that I reveal pieces of me all the time, in truth, I never dared to reveal all of myself.
I never dared to go “all the way.”
But now it is different. Maybe the clock is ticking.
Maybe this is due to the fear of loss. Maybe I found myself here at the moment of realization and as the sands in my hourglass calculate my fate, I have decided to do something about this – it’s something courageous. I agree and perhaps I might take my shot and miss (again,) but at the same time, I cannot sink into the sad regrets of a life I never lived.
What I admit to is something sad and true and also brave and equally courageous to say or write or admit to you.
Who knows, once you see the true me maybe you’ll run.
Maybe I’ll be alone here and your spirit will go elsewhere and I’ll be speaking to myself
(again).
I never dared to love with all of my heart.
I never dared to laugh with everything I have nor have I ever danced until sweat poured from my body.
I never sang out loud as if my voice could reach the span of heaven and thank the angels for sending “her” my way.
I never learned how to celebrate life and this is why I say I’m like a child, just learning.
I never followed my heart. Never in my life.
Again, these buckets are full.
I’m not sure if I can empty them; however, their weight can weigh me down which is why I am looking to counteract them with a counterbalance and create something wonderful for the rest of my life.
(You are all of this . . . and so much more.)
I never allowed myself to stand, to give or to be so totally and completely vulnerable.
At least I can say that I never did this without a reservation or without grabbing on to something else for protection. I always had something to hide behind, just in case someone laughs at me or I mistake their smiles for kindness or assume the wrong thing.
But this list is finished.
I’m working on a new list now.
So, let me begin and say:
Since this is my list of items to achieve and accomplishments that I’m looking to strike a line through, then let this be my list.
Let me list the things I never did before.
Let me make them so.
Let me roll my sleeves up because it’s time to put in the work.
Let me put fear to the side and let me put that inner child to rest for a minute – let me do this so the adult can take over and wash away the stains of past rejections.
Let me face what stands in front of me regardless of the power that fears predict and let me move forward.
Let me head towards a brand new life and a brand new way of thinking.
Let me do these things and pull out my list – so I can strike a line through each of these things.
I have never dared to love someone absolutely or completely.
I was always afraid to trust someone both absolutely and completely.
I have reasons why. Then again, we all have reasons.
But what have these reasons done for me?
How have they empowered me or allowed me to enjoy the softness of someone’s body as it curls up to me beneath the sheets.
I have never tried nor dared to show my true face nor be my true self, which is the reason behind this journal.
I want to be seen. I want to remove the mask.
I want to get rid of my ego or the image I’ve tried to portray and the need to protect myself at all times.
My aim is to itemize this list of things to do.
I want to fill this with brave and bold ideas which are huge to me and bigger or even larger than life itself.
Like I said . . .
I have seen beauty before.
I have seen bravery. I have seen goddess-like emotion and felt the breeze of perfection from the breath of a sleeping beauty. I have heard a laugh and seen a smile of unbeatable proportions.
I have had reasons to love.
I have had reasons to run down the street and scream and be happy. And yes, I saw this and I felt this and yes, I paused.
I admit it . . .
I stalled and there it goes – the truth which is that I never dared to touch something this beautiful – and I mean really touch this.
I mean this not just at the flesh level or superficially.
I never dared to be so brave that I fell to a knee and professed my love or pleaded with the love gods and asked for her hand to be held in mine.
“Just give me that chance.”
Now I find myself at an impasse.
Now I find myself overflowing and ready yet – maybe this version of me is not desirable.
But it is. It has to be
Because this is me.
If this is my list of items to accomplish, then let my list begin with this:
I want to remove myself from myself.
Do you understand what I am trying to say here?
I want to be rid of my external layers which covered my truths for decades so that I can finally uncover myself and allow me to be free, which I am now
(when I’m with you).
I’m looking to shed my skin, so-to-speak.
I want to be at the shore. I want to be where the sky is clear – or not at all, and that’s fine because I can think of countless things to do in a rainstorm.
I want to be in the mountains.
I want to be wherever I am and while I’m there, I want to address my list.
I want to strike a line through the items that stand for the moments when I decided to offer myself both fully and completely.
Therefore . . .
Today’s item which is up for completion is to love both fully and absolutely.
I will do this today and every day going forward.
I was thinking . . .
I know what I want to be when I grow up.
I know that I want to be more like you –
strong enough to be yourself and not care who sees or who says what. . .
I want to be heroic enough to be myself, just like you are.
I want to be brave which is exactly like you.
I want to get rid of my ideas that cripple me.
I want to remove my eyes from the blinders of insecurity – so this way, I can see the world clearly and never be blind again.
I know there are beautiful people in this world.
I know that I deserve to be on this list too.
I know that I want to be pure as well.
However I know that to be pure, I would have to remove my impurities. Notice I do not regard this idea with the word “perfection.”
Nobody’s perfect.
None of us.
The only thing that is perfect to me is this moment which I have right here and right now and yes – I mean this with you.
Even if you are only a dream to me –
You are still perfect to me.
I want to live out loud from here on in.
I’ll never look back because at last –
I won’t need to.
The Written Addiction 