What Do You Know (You’re Just a Kid) Ch. 20

And when things go wrong, I get it.
It may seem like things will be this way forever but remember – forever is a really long time.
So breathe –
I know that sucks.
I know that I hated it when people would tell me this.
Breathe.
Really? Is that all you got?
Just breathe?
I am breathing.

By the way, what does that even mean?
Breathe. . .

Maybe this isn’t anything new. Breathing, I mean.
I can remember people telling me that at times like this, “Now is the time for prayer.”
I hated this too.
Not that I have a problem with prayer, per se, or not that I lack faith or if my faith is intact at all, which is a question for another chapter.
But –
I remember going through a hard time. My bank account was empty. My problems were definitely magnified and everything around me seemed at least a thousand times worse than it probably was which, of course, is what’s called catastrophizing or catastrophized thinking.
I have always been very good at this.
Can’t do math very well without a calculator, but this math adds up and math like this doesn’t care if you’re good with numbers. In fact, the worse you are with math, the easier it is for the demons in your head to multiply by infinity.
Get it?
Catastrophized thinking –
The sky is falling. Nothing is good. Nothing works and everything is going straight to hell.
Everything is going down the drain and the tidal wave is coming to drown us all, as in total devastation.
Ever think this way?

I was in “such a way,” and reached out to someone who I chose to speak with as a trusted mentor. It was him who advised me to pray.
So, I did.
I prayed.
I prayed really hard too.
I prayed as best as I can.

I was broke and needed money. I was facing bankruptcy, which was equally personal and emotional as it was financial and literal.
I prayed with all of my heart. Maybe not on my knees.
But I really prayed.
Do you know what happened?

The phone rang.
“Holy shit, I thought to myself. “My prayers worked!”
I answered the phone – it was the mortgage company.
They were looking for payment.
I began to explain myself. I told the representative that I was facing a hard time and that I was filing for bankruptcy.
I told the representative (who didn’t seem to care much) about the phone call that took place before hers and how I was told to pray about this.
Without missing a beat, the representative told me that I should pray for some money or for someone who can give me money because my the mortgage needs to be paid.
Wow . . .
This was not the response I was looking for.
But – this was the response that I got.

I will say that nobody understands the moments or the way you think or feel.
No one gets it.
No one knows what goes through your mind, unless you tell them. Even still, there is no way that someone can see exactly what you see or understand exactly how you feel.
No one knows what your pain feels like from your perspective nor does anyone experience the anxiety in your mind – and get this, there will always be someone who comes along to claim some kind of cure. Maybe this is what worked for them so, to them, this has to work for you too, right?
Well, what it it doesn’t?
There’s always going to be someone who comes along to tell you, “Don’t think like that,” or as low as you might be at the time, there will always be someone who thinks “their” advice is the right advice and they might look to somehow simplify or minimize your thoughts and feelings.

I can say that life has nothing to do with fair or unfair. Life itself is agnostic and does not lean towards either side. Life itself is only life.
Just like energy or electricity; life is always constant. However, like energy, life is in need of a direction and us, well, our minds are like a conduit controlling the direction of flow.
This is where the trick comes in.

So, please understand that none of this is personal. There are no powers in the sky that have a personal vendetta against you (or me) and while I get that this is true, I also get the loneliness that comes when crisis hits and anxiety takes place. I get the impending doom. I understand the absolute chaos and the catastrophes that go on to which, I get it.
Nothing makes sense and nothing helps.

We know that there is nothing in the sky looking to get us or watch us fall. However, this is the logical side of life. Emotions and logic are not on the same page. Therefore, and from an intellectual point of view, we understand that there is no man in the clouds with a long gray beard who is pointing down at us and either damning us to hell or condemning our life. Adversely, the man in the clouds is not saving us above anyone else or choosing us to succeed.
We get it. But . . .
the emotional side of us is easily fooled. We can become crazed to the point where perhaps we might say, “God hates me.”
But this has nothing to do with the crisis at hand.

I am a person who has lived with social and general anxiety challenges throughout my life. I know what it means to be stressed out. That’s for sure.
I know what it means to believe that there is no way out, that everything around me will be flushed away or flushed down the drain and in the interim, there is nothing anyone can do but be sucked down and flushed away like waste in the sewer.

I hate panic attacks.
I hate anxiety attacks.
I hate when the thoughts begin to tick like a time-bomb, and you know it’s going to explode.
You know there’s something coming your way or there’s something in the mail.
Like it was when I was a kid in school, when I knew there was a phone call that went home from my teacher or the principal’s office, you know there’s a punishment coming your way. I knew there was a problem just waiting for me . . .
The worst part of this was the anticipation of the pain yet to come.

I try to break this down in the simplest terms because I think this is important.
I have read different books and listened to different speakers who use these great big words and who talk about the circuitry in our mind.
They talk about how our thoughts travel over the same pathways and since our thoughts are habitual and repetitive, we are unable to escape our past or the patterns of our thinking because we nurture a routine thought that is always cyclical. Nevertheless, we are always assuming, always biased and always based on past experiences and we assume the worst.

I am a person who understands what it’s like to believe the weight is too heavy. Too many things are going wrong at once and when this happens, I begin to take on the idea as if God hates me too.
I think about this as if this is somehow a personal punishment or perhaps this is just the auditors of karma looking for their blood.
Karmic debt is real, and like a bookie owed from a bad bet, karma’s collectors have come to collect from me. Whereas, I can see why people find themselves in such a way. I can understand why people believe that their karmic debt is passed due – and interest is huge.
Sooner or later, karma’s collection agency comes to collect their debts.
Then what?
Time to pay the piper. . .

Is nothing about us good?
Are we so absolutely stained or terrible?
Are we so unworthy or unwanted that we deserve this?

Or, is this just a pattern of thinking that leads us back to the same conclusion – that everything is fucked! That no matter what, the impending doom is on its way and, at some point, we are going to face the total destruction of “self.” We are going to find ourselves at the mercy of total humiliation. Then, out of nowhere, some asshole comes along with their brilliant plan and they tell you “just breathe.”

Really?
Breathe?
Is that that the solution?
Is that helpful?
Maybe it is. . .
But the lady from my old mortgage company didn’t seem to think so.

Breathe . . .
Maybe this is the same as the insult to a person who hates their dead-end job yet they find themselves stuck with where they are. This is “their” life and they don’t like it – or maybe their options are unattractive at best – so they have to do what they do – at least for the time being. Then what happens?
Lo and behold, some brilliant jerk-off comes along and offers this as their suggestion:
If you love what you do for a living then you’ll never have to go to work a day in your life.
No shit, huh?

I remember the first time somebody told me this . . .

I was working at a job that I could not stand nor was this job fit for me. I was young at the time. I was new to the working world.
I was scared too because I had no idea what I wanted for myself. Hence, I had no plans or goals or a strategy to make anything happen.

Then along comes a smiling idiot, happy as ever, and he tells me about what it means to love what you do for a living. . .
“If you love what you do for a living then you’ll never go to work a day in your life!”
Really . . .
I suppose I wondered if I could get a job kicking the shit out of him.
I’m sure someone would pay me, at least once.
I swore I was going to kill him. Perhaps I might have offered this man an unfriendly word or two. Maybe I said a few things that made his smile turn uncomfortable and perhaps I let the mask slip and showed him a different side of my personality . . .

In fairness, I do not disagree with that man.
I do not disagree that breathing is good..
I do not disagree that panic and anxiety attacks are a challenge and dig it –
when you can’t think anymore or focus on the million and one fears in your head – focus on your breathing, nice and slow. Breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth.
This does help.

I do not disagree that if you love what you do for a living you’ll never go to work another day in your life. However, it’s not always easy to enjoy your work when you are in an unpleasant or toxic atmosphere.
Or if you you’re trying to “get out” and you have to plan and wait or be patient, life can be a bitch this way. I get it.

I am a fan of being honest.
So, if you need to scream then scream.
I am a huge proponent and fan of the saying, “it’s okay not to be okay.”
Sometimes, you’re just not okay.
Fine.
My offer to you is this:
There are people who will always look to give you advice.
And that’s not a bad thing.
However, choose who you listen to and choose who you speak with.
Find a good listener.
Find someone who isn’t going to point out the obvious or sound like a cliché.

Same as the suggestion tells us to choose our friends wisely, I will extend this plan and suggest that we choose who we speak with and who we listen to, just as wisely.

Remember that people in your life are no different from an investment.
So, invest wisely.
Invest smart.
Never allow yourself the moment to open up to someone who does not take the time to listen. If they do listen, find someone who listens to hear you and not a person who listens just to respond.

No one can feel what you feel – and that’s lonely sometimes.
But, lonely or not – life moves.
The sky is not falling and no, the so-called man upstairs is not pointing at you and damning you to hell, just because he doesn’t like you.
That’s just not so.

I never knew what an anxiety attack was – although, I’ve lived this way for as long as I can remember.
That’s why I chose to educate myself.
This is why I choose to listen to people who look to share their experiences.
I know what a panic attack is. I know what anxiety attacks are. At the same time, no one ever explained how common these are and how everyone has them, at some point.
I just thought that it was me or that I was somehow cursed.

Stress is a killer.
And life can be a killer too.

But you’re not gonna die.
It’s just a shitty moment in time.
Give it a second and let it turn.

If you need me . . .
I can’t promise that I’ll have the right answers or that I’ll know what to say.
But I can promise that I can listen and perhaps you and I can come up with an alternative plan that’s better than, say, flushing ourselves away or down the drain, like waste in the sewer.

Don’t worry if it’s late . . .
You can still call me.
I hardly sleep anyway.
Know what I mean?