What Do You Know (You’re Just a Kid) Ch. 23

I wish I could say that any of this is easy. Then again, I wish I could say that life is easy.
But I can’t say that, at least not honestly.
I can say that as people, we are really good at making simple things complicated.
I can say that as a species, we are excellent at complicating things or at overthinking or over analyzing.
I have seen this in others as well as within myself and for the life of me, I can’t always say that I know why we do this to ourselves. Overthink and overanalyze, I mean.

At the same time, I do understand.
I know why we do this . . .
We want answers. We want to understand. We want an explanation as to why some things fit and other things don’t.
We want to know who to blame when things fall out from beneath us.

I wish this was easier. I wish we could push a button somewhere and turn off the thought machine, which is impossible. However, there are helpful ways to do this. To be clear and more to the point, there are ways that we look for, as in the quick and simple fixes. But none of these help us for a long period of time.
I wish this was easier.
I realize that life is unemotional or agnostic, which means neither endorsing or opposing the good or bad. But still, life is happening and yes, we personalize the hell out of everything.

But to what avail?
What does this do for us?

Now, I go back to the title about “just being a kid,” and I say this because no matter how old we are, or better yet, if we are mature or not, life is not a simple task. There are bouts and battles and complications. There are catastrophes and wrongdoings and pain and times of sorrow.
This is true.
There are moments though . . .
There are times when the air is sweet and the music is nice. The lights are perfect and, for the moment, nothing could duplicate the present setting. Nothing can replicate anything, like a perfect moment between us. Perhaps some might argue that we need more of these moments.
I agree with this.
We do need more moments like this.
We need more times when the lights are perfect and the music is right. We all need a moment to dance. We need to have a night or a day or maybe even a week to have the time of our life.
This is a must!
And I say this again, but with authority this time:
There comes a time when we all have to go absolutely crazy – and I mean nuts, I mean absolutely batshit crazy!
We have to throw all of our nonsense in the air and without thinking about where the chips might fall, we have to abandon our posts, at least for a little while, just to go wild and to let it all go.

We need a moment when we can walk away from the critics or the basic criticisms of everyday life and on the other end, we have to find away to hit the relief valve, so we can say “AH!” and be relieved.
I’m telling you, this is a must.
And this is true at any age.
No differently from when I was young and wanted to experience the rage of life and pull from the adrenaline that could charge my battery, like a live-wire, electrified and dangerous – I say this need will always be alive. It may change and I may not find the same electricity in the same events anymore.
But still . . . I want to be alive.
I want to know that I am alive or that I am still capable of being young or able to dance with the beat and stomp the floor.
This need has never gone away. No, but the need has certainly changed forms.
This need is like food and water and air to breathe. This is like sex and lust and the thrill of some orgasmic interlude, heated with passion and brighter than the sun.
We need this. Perhaps not in the same order or in the same context or the same way.
But still –
We all have needs.

We need to find a moment where our engine is not all revved up to the red-line or to find a place where we can be free from the prying surroundings so we can breathe.
We need a place that’s away from the pressure and judgments of, say, every person who seems to think that we need to hear their opinion (or that we care).

We need to stop the critics especially the ones in our head. We need to learn to develop some kind of cancelation statement. I love this thought – a cancelation statement; as in a way to stop or to have an unwanted conversation cease and desist.
We need this so that we can end the unwanted conversations with others as well as the wars within our head.
I have a great word for this: STOP!
The word works wonders. . .
We need to learn how to become assertive over being aggressive and to take a stand and sometimes, I swear this is true – everyone needs a moment to themselves and to be unsupervised or investigated by an outside party.
We need a moment to scream.
We can swear up and down and just say, “You know what? Fuck it!”
We need a moment to weep – if that’s what we choose.
Perhaps, if at all possible, we need to take a break from the world, at least for a little while.
Just so we can rest and recharge ourselves.

Everyone needs a vacation from life and at the same time, I believe there are times when we need to take a vacation from being ourselves – if that makes sense.
Just to unwind.
Not to think at all.
Not to worry or wonder and just to sit still without a thought to occur, except for something simple like, hey, the sun is out and the sky is nice.

No one really talks about this. No one tells you hey, I get it.
Life is hard.
I mean, you do hear this but this does not come with any sort of real explanation or depth enough that can make sense when it comes to the confusion of our soul.
And this needs to be said.
This needs to be discussed because otherwise, we walk around asking ourselves questions like, “Am I the only one who sees this?”

I think that youth is a tough time. Then again, all times are tough. I can say this with experience.
The only things that changed are my age and my intentions. My goals are not the same yet my only goal is really the same as it’s always been.
I just want to be happy.
I want to be comfortable.
Do you understand what this means?

I want to find a place where I can either sit in the shade or in the sun and just say, “ah!”
I want to find a road that I can drive down and have it be like something I saw in a movie or a television show that I used to watch when I was filled with teenage angst – where the streets are wide and lined with trees, people smile and say things like “hello” to everyone, even strangers, including me.

I think that without my journals (and you) I might have gone crazy.
But not in the good way.
Without this (or you) I would not have this daily routine or ritual, so-to-speak.
And I need these moments with you.
This is my air to breathe.

I use this moment as a means to either gain or regain my composure.
I use this as a platform and as a method to my madness.
I use this because, in fairness, life does not always allow me an opening. The truth is this: I can’t always take a break and I can’t always stop.
Nope, I have grown folks business to take care of.
And who the hell wants to be grown at this point?

I can’t always walk away when I want or say what I think, at least not without consequences.

And let’s face it kids . . .
Consequences can be a bitch.
They can really suck.
At the same time, there are consequences for everything. Who is to say that the consequences are always bad?

Take this for example –
It is morning on my half of the globe. We are in mid-winter, and it seems as if the days are falling off the calendar, and this is happening at a pace that is quicker than I can believe.
Time is flying by and spring will be hear quicker than we think.
It is February now, which is ending soon. The years have changed so quickly for me, and it is wild when I look back with amazement and think to myself, wow . . . time really does move fast.

I am not too sure how I ended up here. Don’t get me wrong, I know what took place. I know what happened. Of course I do . . .
I’m a writer which means that I took notes.
I know that there won’t be a sequel to this and at the same time; it’s odd sometimes – or maybe surreal is a better word. This is my life.
And wow. I’m still here and so are you.
I’m grateful for this, by the way.
I just thought you should know.

There were times when I swore that everything was going to explode or blow up in my face.
And there were times when, yes, life did explode, and things did blow up in my face.
Pain hurts. I’ve had my ass kicked more than once.
I’ve been down on the floor and counted out too – but I’ve always managed to get back up.
(somehow)
So, like I said, I’m still here.
And so are you . . .
(Right?)

There are times when I wondered if any of this is even worth it.
Does anyone even care? Sometimes, this is like speaking to an empty room and wishing a crowd would show. If or when they do, there is a worry in me that maybe none of this will make sense to anyone else (but us).
However, and still, I keep on.
I show up on a daily basis with hopes that my consistency and persistence will pay off in the end.
But fear is a bitch too. And so are insecurities.
So I wonder . . .
Does anything I write make sense to anyone else, other than me?
And art?
Well, art can be thankless and lonely and while everything is subjective and interpretive, regardless of acceptance or approval and no matter what the critics tell me, I have managed to come here for years now. I have not quit yet, regardless of how many times I said I would.

This is my place.
This is my sanctuary and moment of peace.
I don’t have anything else as valuable as this which is why I suppose I only want to share this with you.
As for right now:
I am typing fast and furiously.
I can hear my fingers poking at the keys on the keyboard. This is aggressive for sure.
This is a display of emotion, but this is also my hopes to reach you wherever you are or wherever you may go.
I love it this way. Deep and intense.
It’s like a wild seance between two people who understand how to keep a secret and the warmth behind the word anonymity.
I am typing fast and hard because I want you to feel this – and not just read it.
I let this happen because while I spill myself onto this page – I am not thinking about what could or should go wrong. I am not looking for accountability. I’m not trying to find fault or wondering who to blame or if anyone should blame me.

My intention here is to outline and illustrate a very important need.
We all need something.
An outlet, of some kind
We all need an exit strategy or an escape.
We need something more substantial than a habit that comes with an unfavorable consequence, like a cigarette or a piece of cake when sugar is our enemy.

Sometimes –

The truth is there is no fault. There’s no one to blame.
It’s just life.
It’s a moment of realization that takes place between us as people.
That’s all. And nothing else.
There’s only a moment of change and understanding which determines the way we open our eyes to realize that hey, sometimes, things just don’t fit anymore.
Sometimes, we have to move on so we can be free.

Sometimes, we come to a different level of awareness, or we start to understand more about our value. This is the key.
This is important because once this happens, we start to realize that perhaps we are worth more than the typical rhetoric or the same old, “more of the same” bullshit. More to the point, a time comes when we realize that we want more. We wake up to the understanding that hey, I don’t have to stay around for this anymore. I can leave. I can close the chapter.
I can end this dramatic novel and start over.
This can happen at any given moment.
But we need to wake up first.

I have removed unwanted factors in my life – and I will define this as people, places and things.
I will explain that there are times when I wondered if it was me or if it was “my fault.”
I do believe in accountability.
I do hold myself responsible for what I’ve thought or said or done.
I used to wonder why people drift apart.
Does love fade?
Can true love fade?
It shouldn’t fade, right?
Well . . .
Maybe,

Or, like anything that is alive and living or breathing, would it be safer to say that like any life among us, our love needs to be nurtured and cared for, so it can grow.
Otherwise, love can shrink or shrivel or become tired and whither away.
This is not about fault or blame either.
No, this is about change.
Life changes, no matter what we think or ask for.

I admit to asking questions to the sky.
Was it me?

Do we find ourselves somehow bonded by some kind of codependent attachment?
Is that it?
Is that why we failed to revive our dreams?
Is this a symptom of a stagnant life that went too long without the proper care?
That could be true.
This is what happens when we fail to do what it takes to see our dreams come true.
We lose our priority and our place in line falls back to a less or unimportant level.
We can’t allow this.

I can say that I have looked back and thought about the years I have wasted by not being loyal to my truth. Hence, I was not loyal to anyone else either.
This was a symptom of a life unnurtured and dreams that were either deferred or neglected.
I was caught in some kind of emotional snag because I forgot to dare and be honest about myself.
I allowed the world to gain momentum and me, I was seemingly left behind, like a kid who flunks in school and gets left back to stay with the younger kids another year.

There are times when I look back and think about the unacceptable treatment which I accepted and took without question. I say without question that this was not without contempt.
I think about the times when I took this out on the wrong people, or like a baton in some kind of dysfunctional relay race, I passed on the sins which I condemned and disagreed with the most, and I placed them in the hand of someone who was deserving of better.

But why?

I believe this is something that is hardly ever spoken about.
But it needs to be. I think it is openness like this that helps us as people.
So here, and right now, I’d like to talk about the unhelpful bonds that we have with other people in our life.
I want to address the constant preparation and rehearsals we have when thinking about what we’re going to say when we see someone or when they come in the room.
I want to talk about all of the practiced “goodbyes” and how we never dared to say them – when we could have.
I want to talk about the wasted energy we spend because for some reason, we think that we need to explain ourselves. We want someone to hear our side because we have the need (and the right) to be heard; however, sometimes people do not have the right ears or the open mind it takes to listen to us.

I do not explain myself anymore.
I don’t have to.

It took more guts than I can explain for me to stand up and walk away from the people, places and things that I was dependent on.
This took bravery. This took faith but I’m not sure if I was so faithful or brave – or not.
I think what causes change is when a time comes, and we realize that we are worth more.
Or maybe we want more – and then we look around at the people in our closest circle of influence – and we see this is or we see where the breaks were and the chances that we never took.
This is where the chance takes place.

It wasn’t that I was brave enough to walk away from certain things.
More to the point, the fact is, I was tired of being uncomfortable in my surroundings.
Eventually, my discomfort outweighed my fears – and so, I had enough.
I said “When” so-to-speak.
I see it this way:
When will and intent outweigh our fears, then actions can take place.

Look at my weight loss, for example. I miss the foods and the way that I used to eat.
I really do. There are times when I eat healthier foods and they make me miss being fat . . .
It’s true.
But the consequences for my older diet were heavy and costly.
Needless to say, my health was failing me and quite nearly, my life was failing too.

I saw my reflection in the mirror. I knew what needed to happen.
I was overweight.
But how do I find comfort? What will be my next “go-to” item that can replace a few cheeseburgers or fast food and Taco Bell?

Our minds are always in search for safety and comfort.
Food was one of mine.
However, comfort can come with the reassurance we get while flirting, or this can come with a drug of any kind, which is both mood and mind-altering, which is fine too, depending on the source or the consequences thereafter.

I used food. I used a lot of things and as a result, my health suffered. My mood suffered and more than this, there are people who loved me – and they suffered too.
This is a painful fact.

We are always trying to understand why things happen. Yet, we never stop to think that life is happening in a series of occurrences – so for example, hurricanes are not our fault. Neither are rainstorms nor the damages that the storms leave behind.
We are all simple beings on a path and searching for a better means of understanding. Sometimes, to hell with it – there is no way to understand what happens or why we break each other’s hearts.
It’s no different from another storm.
Life can change. So do we.
We grow and we also grow apart or for whatever the reason may be, a personal storm takes place and the damages from its path can forever change the face of our lives.
That’s how things are.

I had to stop blaming people, including myself.
I had to give the accountability machine a rest and let me realize that fate takes the stage and destiny moves us, like pieces on a board.
All we can do is pay attention to our next move and live well for right now.

There are people, places and things that are no longer in my life.
Not to mention, there are great memories that have either been tarnished or stained and ruined because of the way life unfolded.
However, the kind of person I am looking to be is the kind who can allow the good parts from my past to remain good and pristine – I want to do this, even if there were hurt feelings that came after.
I cannot deny the truth nor can I deny that there is a season for everything.
I can’t deny that people change. I can’t deny my wrongs nor can I deny my truths. While exposing this, I realize that there is no reason to find fault or blame anymore.
No – that’s just wasted energy.

I’d rather use my energy and express myself to you, my most special person in this world.
We need to take a break sometimes.
We have to stop worrying about who’s fault it is that something went wrong or why a dream never came true.
By the way, the dreams we have are never over.
No . . .
They’re just changing forms.

So, keep an eye out for your dreams which are about to come true.
And look carefully because you might not recognize them.
I think this is why people call them a blessing in disguise.
But they’re out there and in abundance too
This is everywhere.

So take a break.
Grab a cup of coffee or something.
Grab whatever does the trick for you.
Come back rested and fresh and with better eyes to see what’s in front of you.
This way you can see a bit more clearly.

Oh, and be sure to choose the right music when you take your break.
Trust me – it’s helpful.