The Book of Chaos: Withdrawal

1)

This is to you, who practiced your goodbyes
or to you,
who rehearsed your lines a thousand times,
and yet,
you never took a step in the next direction.

This is to solidify the fact
that we have fallen to standards
which are subpar or substandard to our true self. . .
and speaking of truth,
this is to indemnify or compensate for the loss
or to satisfy the damages of the soul,
or to solve the scars
which we have endured for years
by way of our habits and patterns

. . .And see?
it turns—
The world moves
and we all know this,
but we can’t feel it,
and we can’t feel the speed because, to us,
time is too slow,
especially when the mind is stuck in reverse,
but yet,
the days move forward and hence,
the average between the two
can only keep us stuck, at best—
or stagnant, to say the least.

This is to you and to me,
and to all who
have habitually found themselves
in the circle
or a maze
turning around
and finding our way around dead-end lives
and living with dead-end ideas,
that lead us back to the same place
. . . all the time.

This is to you,
and all who have practiced their speeches
or rehearsed their exits,
a thousand times yet
they never took one step from the door . . .
Not one.

It is clear to us now
that people are habitual
and our habits are nothing but actions
made without the mind’s input
because to us,
this is natural—

The way we are
the people we speak with
the things we do
and the things we say
have all become habits
and now that you have become my habit,
the ideas of no-contact
or breaking the cycle
and changing where we go
who we see
or what we do,
is something all too foreign,
which is why
this is to you
from me.

2)

What do you want?
No, really . . .
What do you want?

If you could pick or point out a pattern,
or find something that mattered to you,
or do something, like,
anything,
what would you do
and what would this look like
to you?

If you could have the life of your dreams
or if you could be what you wanted,
go where you want,
or if you could do or say anything,
what would this be like?

If you could use one word to define this,
what word would you choose
and what word could you use
to define how you want your life to be?

If you could decorate your life
or design your home,
and complete this as a package
with a yard and a fence,
and two cars,
a garage,
or a place by the water
with all the trimmings,
or with all the fixings,
what would this look like
to you?

If you were to slide yourself back from the table
just to escape,
or to step away . . .
Where do you want to go?
What would you do?
And the answer can be anything,
as long as it’s honest.

What do you want to see?
Who do you want to be—
or better yet,
who do you want to be with?

What would have to happen
to make yourself complete
or to put this all together,
to make it so
and what would have to happen
to make your dreams
become reality?

I ask this because, in fairness,
the answer to the questions
are based on a decision, which leads me to ask you
if you haven’t decided yet . . .

then why?

3)

I have often told you about my days
on the beach,
young, like a child, and tired,
like an old man who lived too long
or fought too often.

I have seen the driftwood
that washed upon shores
and I have wondered –
what they were like,
once before
or even before,
when they were whole
or part of something meaningful
or when they belonged to someone.

Come to think of it . . .
I’ve belonged to someone
(before)

I have reached out from the sands
and stood at the edge
where land meets the sea
and with an open heart
I have called out from the sands
and screamed for the tides
to bring you home.

I have mentioned to you
about the release I feel
when the waves come in
and wash the sands
and then they return
to replenish the land
and keep us clean.

I see this place as my church
or my sanctuary
whereas the ocean are the masses
and the sky is the steeple.

This is my home, and you are my heart
and here I am, standing in the sands
at the edge;
this is my place of peace.

This is where I can scream
or speak
or whisper my secrets
and send them off in the outgoing waves
and have them washed away
and absolve me of sin
just to return
and leave me clean.

4)

I know all about the word, “withdrawal.”
In fact –
I understand this in more ways than one,
which is why I send this to you,
or to all of you,
or to us, who have practiced their goodbyes
but never dared to pull this off
or tried to take a step
or get away.

I understand what it means
to go through withdrawal
from that one special thing
or that one thing that makes you matter
or to withdraw from that one person,
or that habit
that is no longer within reach.

I understand why the body reaches for the phone
or why we look to see if anyone called,
or reached out,
or left a message;
and in part,
we know why they didn’t
or why they shouldn’t
but in part,
we hope to be surprised,
just to to see something,
which says,
not too worry
your dreams of me
are still alive
(because I’m still here).

I’m telling you this
because this is true.

People are habits
in which, I mean that
we are automatic with each other.

We are automatic
when it comes to how we are, and yet,
what happens when the habit has to break?
What do we do
when the path splits?
More to the point,
what happens when they go one way
and you go yours?

Hence, how do we solve the need
when our body is used to someone
and our hearts go through withdrawal?

I know all about this –
I know all about habits
and the hell we go through
just to break them
(if we need to).

But that person
or “your person,”
ah, what a habit this will be
(to keep)
In part,
this will be everything that you’ve dreamed of,
all that you’ve hoped for
and all that you’ve wished for
and more—
To me, this would be like a drive I took
from Albuquerque, passed Santa Fe
with the lands around me,
empty of manmade things
and the sky above;
my heart in my hands
and my hope for her love
were all within me.

And love . . .
Now, that’s a habit too.
That’s the way to go
where the body can respond automatically,
and rather than reach for an empty side of the bed,
I would be reaching for you.

Like I said,
I know all about the word “withdrawal.”

Do you?