1)
The world really is an amazing place,
which does not mean I can always say this
with a kind regard.
For example, it amazes me how two people
can see the exact same thing
and walk away with
two different conclusions.
Ever see this?
I remember,
although this was long ago
and I was small, or at least young,
or young enough to still appreciate things,
like the touch of a grandmother’s love
or the sound of her voice
or the tone of her bedtime stories
which I held them as sacred.
It was here too,
when we all gathered to say
an official “goodbye”
at her funeral
I saw someone approach my Father.
I remember my Father’s version of the story
and years later, after my Father’s death,
I remember hearing the opposite account
of two people who experienced the same thing
and came up with two separate conclusions.
The account was of two people
who couldn’t get along,
for whatever the reason might have been,
yet there was love there and a connection as well,
but hey, resentment has a way of slipping through the cracks
and thieving the years away from us
until, one day,
time removes the ability for us to reconcile.
I heard both sides of this experience yet
neither knew
that I was there to see this moment
and neither of them knew that I was there
to act as a witness.
Safe to say, neither side was accurate.
No,
both sides were spun around
by the machine in their head and together,
the truth was somewhere in there
mixed between the emotional versions
of two people who walked away
with two different conclusions.
People amaze me,
which does not mean
that I say this with a kind regard.
No, the repetitiveness of our crazy little lives
is truly amazing, which is not to say
that I’m not crazy myself or that “being crazy” is a bad thing.
No, I think we all need to be a little crazy in this life.
otherwise, you’ll go fucking nuts.
If you know what I mean –
So, I hear you want to talk about chaos.
Okay, let’s talk.
I know chaos all too well.
I know him on a first name basis in fact,
and if I’m not mistaken,
I think that chaos calls himself me,
or you, or anyone else down here
on this crazy rock.
I think that it is fair to say
that chaos is understandable.
I think chaos can be quiet as well as loud
and, to be clear, I think that we notice chaos more
in its absence;
as if to wait for the impending nature
of something that could
or should go wrong.
I think that when there’s silence
or peace,
there’s a worry about the return
of some unforeseen and unfortunate outcome which is why people seem to self-destruct,
when things are “good”
or act on behalf of our own sad predictions
because hey, what would our life be like
if there weren’t any chaos to depend on?
2)
In the absence of chaos,
gravity reverts back to a lightweight feel,
whereas the poles reverse
and let go of the silly weights
that hold us down.
I believe that some people call this freedom.
The mind lets go
and sets itself apart, as if to be happily unhinged
or happily unattached and uninvolved
or disconnected,
as if to be removed of self
or the burdens between us,
or to be away from the intrusive questions,
which come from unwanted people
or to be free from the uncomfortable conversations
that go on for way too long.
Nothing is forced
or coerced or contrived
or awkward.
There’s no need for self-assuring
or to say reassuring things.
In the absence of chaos,
the mind opens the cage to let the birds go free.
There is nothing holding us back
nor is there a need to ask insecure things
about insecure worries
or probe about anything,
just to solve a curious regard,
and gauge the intentions of an outer source.
In the absence of chaos,
one could stand and walk away
and not worry about
who would notice
or who would follow.
In the absence of chaos,
one would never be uncomfortable,
or so obvious, or try to portray themselves
as if to be easy-going or uninvested
because the truth is, we are invested.
After all, we’re all human,
at least most of us are.
However, in the absence of chaos,
one could live their life
without the concern for outside dilemmas
or one could live freely, despite their fears
or with the regards for
people, places and things.
People, places and things.
All three are out of our control,
and in the absence of chaos,
we would understand this
and know that it’s fine
to walk away.
3)
They say the definition of insanity
is doing the same thing over and over again
and expecting a different result.
The crazy part is, I don’t know if this is true
or not.
I mean, is it true that we repeat ourselves?
Of course we do.
That’s how we know chaos on a first name basis.
Do we act?
Do we pretend?
Sure, we do.
Do we hope?
All the time.
Maybe today is the day that everything
will change.
Do I hope?
All the time.
I act.
I pretend.
I cross my fingers.
I repeat myself too and do the same things,
over and over again
with hopes that maybe, just maybe,
today will be the day
and somehow,
I’ll find a way to pull off my trick and ta-da!
My life will suddenly appear.
4)
I listen to people talk about themselves.
Do you ever do this?
Do you ever hear
the way they regard themselves
or how they sound?
I wonder if this is no different
from the time when my Father
and someone from the family
had their experience
when they saw each other
at my Grandmother’s funeral.
Neither version was accurate.
But both sides needed to find a way
to save their ego
and protect themselves from the truth.
Come to think of it,
I think we all have
some kind of self-serving way of thinking
to keep us from going crazy—because, I mean,
even if we sound crazy,
at least we can act or pretend
that we’re right.
Right?
5)
I think it is fair to separate or say goodbye
or to walk away
or to rid oneself of the lies
and the discomfort
or to remove oneself from people, places and things
which is the only way
we can control either of the three.
I think there are times
when we have to realize
there is a life out there
and that time is ticking,
and, for us, time is diminishing
by the second.
There’s only so much time left
for us to live,
which amazes me at times
because as much as we want to live,
we allow chaos to disrupt our adventures
by keeping us stuck.
This is what keeps the birds of our dreams
from spreading their wings
and keeps them from flying free.
It’s okay to let go.
I promise.
Yesterday will never ask if (or when)
you’ll be coming back
and since tomorrow isn’t here yet,
we have today, as in right now,
to make a decision
so that in the absence of chaos,
tomorrow can be less weighty or heavy
and perhaps nothing can guarantee
the absence of gravity,
but at least we can let go
and take the weight off of our shoulders
So we can breathe . . .
The Written Addiction 