The Book of Chaos: Freely

The world moves.
I know it. You know it.
Everyone knows the world is always turning
and everyone knows that
everything changes,
or that life happens,
as in, all the time.
Every day . . .

Good things happen.
Bad things happen.
Or as the saying goes,
“There is a time for all things,
under heaven.”
Good things happen to bad people
and bad things happen to the good ones
or again, good or bad,
there is a time for all things
under heaven.

I am reminded of a moment when the walls were closing in.
I mean this in both a figurative
and literal sense.
Everything was tragic.
Everything was about to burst and, at best,
the impending doom
was only catastrophic,
which means each day,
or at every step,
I was waiting for the bad news to break
or again, as the saying goes,
I was waiting for the other shoe
to drop.

I am reminded of the times of chaos
when crisis was first on the list,
or when the rage set in, or when shame took over
and my confusion was too thick to see straight.
Yet, as bad as this was, I lived through it.

I remember when my heart was heavy or broken,
or when the pain was so strong,
and so hard, and the idea
of making it through another minute, just one minute,
or even the idea of surviving another second
seemed like an eternity to me.

I remember the saying,
the only way to it is through it.
I remember the fact
that while people do mean well, at least for the most part,
and that yes, I believe that people want to help;
the truth is no words can take away the aches of emotional pain
or explain the unseeable damages which come
with the ailments of the heart.

Nothing can soothe the confusion of the soul
or, more accurately, in the case of heartache
or while stressed under the burdens of emotional pain,
there are no words in our language,
or any other language for that matter,
which can erase the pain
or rid us from the mournful sensation of loss.

No.
It would be a lie to say to someone,
here, take this.
This will help you get over that . . .
It would be a lie to say
that there is a quick fix for deeper or more elaborate pain—and more,
the mind is always looking to make sense,
so therefore,
as long as there is a feeling of sadness or discomfort,
the mind is always going to want to know “why”
so we can understand, or hopefully
so we can make the pain go away.

Please understand something:
The mind is always looking to find accountability
and to know who is to blame.
Is it me? Is it you?
Did I take a wrong turn
or make a bad bet?
If I am hurt or broken, or if my heart aches,
or if I am sad and while the sensation of pain is real
if there is no visible description
to define my pain; then hence,
the mind is always trying to find out how to understand.

And since physical weight comes with a visible description,
or the same can be said with physical pain;
then what do we do,
or how do we process the invisibility of the unseeable scars?
When it comes to the bouts we have with invisible pains,
which have no physical definitions,
yet, the weight or the heaviness of emotion
or the presence of pain is equally clear
or if not more torturous than a broken bone—
then what?
I ask this because, yes, there is nothing more painful
than the shattered truth of a broken heart.

There is nothing that cuts so deeply
as the knife that stabs us in the back
or in the heart.
And the truth is . . .
this hurts.
As in, Goddammit
this hurts!

I have heard people suggest
or tell someone, don’t cry.
And I say, no.
Fuck that!
You can cry.
You can scream.
You can shake your fists at the sky
and curse really loud
or spit on the ground,
or in any case, I go back to the saying,
“The only way to it is through it.”
To get through anything,
you have to feel your feelings,
think your thoughts,
and find a way to retrain your brain
to keep from thinking yourself
into harm’s way.

There are no shortcuts when it comes
to personal dilemmas. Perhaps there are ways
that we can temporarily placate the demons in our head,
so-to-speak,
and there are ways that we can appease the moment
or find a temporary stay of execution,
but in the long run,
the only way to it is through it.

There is no substitute.

There are no shortcuts to true success
or recovery.
And there is no quitting.
There is no turning back.
There is no giving up
or weakening to a worthless submission,
as if to be too mild or to meek,
or as if to allow the world to move around you
without a response,
or without the right to rise back up,
and go back at life again.

The only way to it is through it.
There is no, “getting over it,” so quickly,
at least not when the matter of the heart
is real and true.
If there is, then good.
I’m glad.
I’m happy. No, wait.
I’m ecstatic for you.

However, in most cases
or when it comes to the case of us against life,
there will be times when life is hard
and the heart is heavy.

Our legs will be weak, and our souls may seem broken.
Our spines may be too crooked to stand up straight again
and the shame in our hearts
can make it so
that we fail to have the strength in our necks
to look up and see the light.

At the same time, the world moves.
Time ticks and the clock is always running.
I know it. You know it.
And sooner or later,
a moment will come when the pain
doesn’t have the same sting,
which is not to say that the pain will always go away;
however, your association with the pain will change
when time pulls its trick.
And please . . .
understand that this is more of a testament,
which is a statement that times can, do and will improve
if we allow them to.

My best suggestion:

Stop pulling the scabs from your wounds
to keep them fresh.
Allow yourself a minute
to the let feelings turn
so that the emotions can settle and, eventually,
no matter how hard you’ve been hit
or no matter how confused you are at the moment,
trust me,
the only way to it is through it.

I would not waste your time
or degrade you with a lie
and tell you don’t worry.
Or, just get over it.

So, please believe me, a time will come
when the shame doesn’t hold your neck down.
Your eyes will rise to the light and, yes,
a time will come when you can see clearly
and more importantly, a time will come
when you will find that you have recovered,
and miraculously,
a time will come when you will be free to let go
and experience other things,
under heaven.

A time will come when you pardon your own sins
or forgive yourself and, essentially,
a time will come when you can finally,
close the book and start a new chapter,
or you can switch your plans or find a new direction.
More to the point, a time will come
when you allow yourself to step away from the pain,
and you will release yourself, once again,
to enjoy your life, to live to the best of your ability
and, of course, time will come along to heal all wounds,
so at last, you can breathe

freely