Anger . . .
What better way to express chaos
or what better way to self-destruct
or to explode or implode
or to be more defined;
what better way is there to lose control
by trying to control
the uncontrollable?
And it’s blinding,
you know?
You do things
that you’d swear you’d never do
if your head was in the right place.
You say things that you’d never say
that you really didn’t mean,
but anger has a way of ruining things
or, you create an avalanche of disgust
because your actions match your emotions
and hence, you kick the tripwire
and everything around you
goes up in flames.
You react or you lash out
to mirror the rage within your heart
or, frequently
we scream out loud
to mimic the battles in our head
or to fight an enemy
that isn’t even real.
And that’s a bitch, right there!
Rage and contempt
fury and resentment
mismatched truths
and wild assumptions
which bring about
a plan of self-destruction
to which,
we end up losing to a battle
that never had to happen;
but,
since we imagined the problem is real,
then it has to be real, and so
we assumed the worst
and then we prepare
for the catastrophes
that never had to happen.
Here’s another bitch to add to the pile –
often,
we assume the worst
and we never realize
how we act,
which brings us to a self-fulfilled
prophecy.
I have found myself guilty of this
as well
and yes, I have given in to
unfortunate projections
and heartbreaking assumptions
which destroyed me from within
and ruined every bit of whatever it was
that I had left.
I’ve done this.
And, have I done this more than once?
Sure, I have.
Who hasn’t?
I have lost to the anxious ideas
and to the anticipation
of rejection
which I assumed would come.
And then what?
Self-destruct?
Self-implode?
Or would it be better to
describe this as something like
drowning in my own ideas
while I have my life
fold in around me.
Stay out of my head, they say
Don’t play that movie out in your mind
they tell me
Okay.
I get it . . .
But what if I’m afraid to lose more?
What if my insecurity
is bigger than the horizon?
What if I am afraid that everything
is about to come to a head
and after years of trying to outrun misfortune,
the wheels ran out
and there’s no way
for me to get away from this;
what do I do
when the moment turns
and my projections
become real?
What if my fears become irrational
and then next,
I lose my breath,
and I can’t calm down
or relax
or sleep
and then what?
Anxiety is a killer, they say
And, I can see why
When it comes to pain or chaos
or the emotional discomforts
of heartache and heartbreak,
I have to say the obvious here
which is
if you can’t calm down
or if you can’t rest
or if you can’t sleep
or if the walls of your life are closing in
or the love in your heart
aches like a sore
as if to be cancerous and rejected
and in the unfathomable ideas
that peace can be restored
and recovery is possible,
the mind begins to defy logic and yes
old Mr. Chaos can strike.
He can check off another box and say
yeah, I got him good this time.
Dear Chaos:
Please let me go.
Dear Sir,
I tried to
but you keep coming back. . .
There is something called
contributory negligence,
and like cutting your nose off
to spite your face
this is no different
from any other self-inflicted wound,
physically or emotionally,
or otherwise
Anger . . .
never has there ever been a more self-destructive
or degrading emotion
and hence
it’s really a matter of pride
or, this could be a matter of rejection
or, maybe it’s two poles
which no longer connect
or like dissimilar magnets
the repel
instead of attract,
and the future is different now,
which causes a sense of uncertainty,
or loss in the mournful sense;
holy, holy, holy
as if to clasp in prayer
just wishing for another chance
at peace
because certainly
no one wants to invest in a life
they expect to have
and watch it change
or go to shit . . .
The Written Addiction 