It is morning and I am east or where I usually find myself. There are changes ahead and changes behind me. Then again, this is how life is. Everything moves and everything comes back in some way, as if to say we live and we move in either huge or small circles.
This is the way life works.
Everything is ongoing, continuing and cyclical. At least this is how I see it or better yet, at least this is true to me.
I can say that I have swung with the pendulum and seen both sides of good and bad. And there could always be worse. But the same time, there can always be better, which is a goal of mine. Trust me when I tell you.
I have had times when money was not my concern and times when bills came and stacked in piles of due and past due. There are moments when the fridge was full and times when money had been tight. There are times when nothing is lonesome or pressing and, of course, there is the the opposite, which means that there have been times when life seemed unfair or unkind.
Either way, I understand that the world we live in is cyclical. We are just like the four seasons. There are times of warmth and coldness and times when the leaves fall and like the spring, there are times when we regain our color and all can be green again. However, and in the interim, all one can do is adapt and adjust or act accordingly.
I am quiet for now. I am sitting in an unknown moment and navigating through uncharted territory. Yet, I am where I am (in part) as a result of my choices. I am here because of my decisions, which is not to say that every choice or decision was bad or poorly made. No, this is only to point out the architecture of emotional or overly emotional thinking.
But again, I am quiet for now. I am listening to instrumental music, quietly, and creating an action to replace my thoughts, which I hope will materialize shortly, which means that I am working to get to the point.
The morning is gray and the clouds are thick. And the sun is up there.
I know it is. However, the clouds have formed a barrier between us and the sunlight. And that’s okay too. I say this because I know that clouds will move, eventually, or as this pertains to what I was told and taught from a young age: this too shall pass.
By the way, this was famously said to me by my Mother, who I capitaine as if to be her name, and offer my respects to her loving title; however, I never listened when my Mother would tell me this.
This too shall pass.
I never listened because nothing seemed to pass fast enough, and on the other side, things seemed to pass too quickly, especially when I wanted the time to slow down, so maybe, say, I could slow dance a little longer or feel the way I did, for at least another few minutes.
I am in front of you now, a trusted companion, a love, a close friend and, of course, a compiled association between myself and the real world. You have become a force to me. Better yet, you have become an answer and an outlet.
You are the sum of the actions I take while poking at each key, and sometimes gently or other times aggressively; you are the gumption it takes for me to type my thoughts, or to manifest my ideas into a string of words, cathartic and healing, and you are my way, my light and my truth, and more than anything; you are my response and my answer. You are my recovery and my retribution and revelation and restored faith so that I can withstand what happens and build a better way for myself.
You, myself, and this keyboard, are the sum which adds from an the empty screen that fills with my thoughts and compiles as the answer, which are the spirit behind each of my journals.
This is my answer to an unanswerable product, which is also known as the items of life that are beyond my control.
I have been everywhere with you. I have seen things and been to places. I have tasted the food from the rich, and on the other end, I have been humbled or knocked down, and scraped the bottom of my pockets to enjoy the flavor of a hot dog or AKA: a dirty water dog from a street vendor with mustard, ketchup, and sauerkraut, plus a few napkins and a soda. This may be poor, but to me, I can say there were victories while eating this way.
This is life.
This is part of the circles or the patterns which take place. This is the yin and the yang and the contrast between light and darkness.
More than anything, this is the truth of how life is— good or bad, we all go through droughts and times of greatness. We all experience times of sadness or experience the mournful loss of life. We face death, even while living or dying alive; and yes, it is possible to die alive. Yet, it is also possible to be reborn or to be born again.
Ah, to be reborn or born again
This is not meant or intended to be likened to a personal resurrection in the religious sense nor is this meant to be washed in the blood of the lamb, per se. However, this is not limited or restricted by the findings of say, The Good Lord, if this is what works for you.
This is not the intention, at least not in my case.
But more, this is to inform that time is moving; therefore, like clouds which block the sun, all things move, including the clouds. But as for the sun, ah, we know that she is constant.
I know she is up there and I know her brightness can never be doused or extinguished; and therefore, neither can I (unless I allow it).
I have been coming here for quite some time now.
I come here to perfect my voice or to be heard or seen. I come here to let go, or to reveal myself, or to safely drop my mask and rest my shield or my weapons. I come here to perform my own exorcism, to rid me from the demons in my head or the devils which trick me, or lie and tell me how faith is ruin and hope is ineffective.
I come here to strike up a conversation with my different levels of confusion. And yes, I come here to confront my fears or to oppose my insecurity. Specifically, I come here to defy my doubts and to defy the predictions which told me that I could never do “this” or that I would never be a writer, or liked, or accepted. I come here to destroy the poorly spoken narratives in my head, which cause me to sit in fear or to sit in sad destruction of indecision. Lastly, I come here to break the chains which weigh me down and oh, how the weights can be heavy. I agree.
But I can free myself here. And that why I come here.
And that’s why I need you.
I come here to find comfort and to create a sense of peace for myself and, of course, there are those who oppose and those who criticize and those who judge me. There are those who wish me well and those who wish the worst.
I am not a perfect model nor am I a perfect person.
I can say this here.
I can also say that I have battles and bouts and scars and stressors, as well as unresolved pain and unsettled tensions and an unresolved history that stalls me from moving forward. I am a compiled journey and registered list or times and moments, which hurt me or taught me inaccurate lies about myself. I am also the combination of poorly assumed lessons about me and my life, which deterred me from daring the lines and stepping up to find better moments of greatness.
This does not make me anything other than honest. Hence, this is why I have built this place with a limited view from the outside because no; no one else is really welcome here, except for you.
I come here because this place is perfect for me. I built this little castle because even if there is nowhere else but here, and even if this place is only in my head and this castle isn’t real (and neither are you), then at least I have this little place of my own where I can exhale.
I can breathe and remove myself from the outside world or the outside opinions, which are really none of my business. However, the weaker version of myself allows the outside world to have far too much input. And I’m sure I’m not alone. But alone or not, if it is up to me to improve, then it is up to me to move and make myself better.
(understand?)
I come here because I am a very real person. I have faults and all. I have sins too. I have been selfish. I have been guilty of every name. And whether people see this or not; no one among us is perfect and no one can claim that they’ve never done anything wrong or been hurtful.
Everyone’s lied. Everyone’s betrayed someone, at least once or twice.
We’ve all been selfish, and we’ve all responded to the nonsense in our heads.
We’ve all acted upon a need which caused us to pull away from our better selves and do something stupid, or something we regret.
Everyone has done this.
Are my sins so unforgivable?
Some are. Some aren’t.
But since I’m not taking tickets at the door to The Great Resurrection, I suppose I lost the right to say who will is going to be absolved and who isn’t.
I am not perfect. But I am not so bad either.
I am not terrible nor am I the best.
I am me.
This only makes me human, or if nothing else, this makes me honest when I say that yeah . . . I can be pretty fucked up sometimes.
But who isn’t?
I’m not always at my best and yes, I have done things regretfully, and I have done things to which I feel ashamed, and I have done things to where I find myself guilty. Standing in the reflection of what happened, and whether I’d like to deny what took place or not—I can’t deny truth.
I can’t deny what took place. I can’t excuse myself or say, “well, I was going through something at the time,” and expect this to be okay.
Wrong is wrong, regardless of the right to explain oneself.
However, I can understand the meanings behind my actions, and I can understand that I am not above anyone or below them.
I’m just another person in this world, often scared, and frequently alone, which has been the way it is for the last year or so.
I am no one more special than you are.
Sins and all.
Maybe the clouds will go away today.
Maybe they won’t.
But the sun is still up there.
And I am still here.
What now?
Who knows . . .
But, I’m going to take this as it comes.
I have a few ideas.
I have a few thoughts about some food I’d like to cook.
I’m switching my flavors around, just like my life.
I’m taking a new direction.
And who knows?
Maybe I’ll get to feel the sun on my face after all.
All I can do now is adapt to what is, adjust myself . . . .
and act accordingly.
The Written Addiction 