This is amazing to me. Music, I mean.
Another thing that amazes me are the songs that come up out of nowhere, especially when you’re sad or emotionally bleeding, and then as if to add insult to injury, a song comes up from our past, or a song that sings all the words you feel can magically come on the radio. And just like that, the dam breaks and the tears flood and the pain bleeds.
It’s amazing to me.
I can relate to sitting alone and listening to music that matched the mood. I can also relate to having so much confusion and tension and to being so angry and resentful that music is not only an ally, but an asset. I swear that music can be the only outlet that somehow lances the skin of an emotional boil—to let the puss run so that the emotional cancer can escape.
I say that music is an excellent motivator. Then again, so is shame. So is humiliation. So is pain. So is sadness and, of course, so is fear because fear, pain and sadness and all of the others above are excellent motivators to do one of two things; either we sink and we submit to a life of dying alive, or we recover and regain our composure, to lift our spirits, and to escape the mental prisons which is where we’ve held ourselves captive
I can remember being heavy and overweight. I did not like the sight of myself. I couldn’t stand my own reflection in the mirror. I could hardly walk uphill or up a big flight of stairs, let alone, exercise without losing my breath. I had no strength or stamina and, of course, the battle ahead of me seemed too “uphill” for me to accomplish anything. It was hard for me to think that yes, I can be better and that I can lose weight, or that I can reach my goal, and feel better about myself.
I am someone who lives and struggles with different social anxieties. I have never had a good feeling about myself or my body. I have insecurities. I’ve never seen myself as desirable or handsome. But also, I am not a gym person.
I don’t like working out around people. I don’t like talking “gym” talk with other people. I’m insecure with the weight that I lift or worried that someone is watching me and judging me, when meanwhile, most people are too busy looking at themselves in the mirror. This is the real truth. Most people have their own struggles and their own bouts with vanity.
I never thought that I would be a person who went to the gym every other day or someone who’d accept the challenge to go to a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu class three times, a week and twice on Sundays.
Why not? If I go one day or every day, it’s all the same price. So, I might as well get my money’s worth. I might as well improve and find a way to separate myself from the darker narratives in my head.
And yes, this is all humbling. And yes, I am sore.
Yes, I get hurt from time to time, and yes, my intimidations are still real.
In fact, I have to talk myself into going to Jiu-Jitsu class. I have to push myself because the moves we learn are not as simple as I assumed. The moves are more than say, like, put your hands here, grab this, pull the leg, and roll the person over and now, you have them . . .
No.
There is far more details to this. And no, my body does not move the way it does when I was in my 20’s. And yes, more often than not, I am the oldest in Jiu-Jitsu class.
I am literally humbled each time. But, I am learning and I am improving. However, at the same time, its not easy to roll and wrestle around with kids, who are less than half my age.
It’s not easy to train against kids who are in great shape or to train with kids who can heal quickly—and whether I am in good shape (for me) or not, I can say that one thing is for sure; I had to improve my cardio. I had to learn how to conserve my energy.
I never threw up . . . But I was close on a few times.
And I mean, really close.
The room is hot, and the outfit (or Gi) is hot as well.
But again, music helps. And I’ll explain how.
Take now, for example. I have my share of intimidations.
I have my share of problems and I have a fair share of fears and pain.
I am going through “life on life’s terms” as it has been told to me.
Life’s terms are not always kind or fair.
Or more to it, I have all the excuses I need to skip the gym and forget about Jiu-Jitsu, and if I listen to my thoughts, then I can stay home or give in to my resentments.
I can eat a bunch of food, which I know would be comforting for the time being.
But in the end, I’d find myself on the couch, and feeling fat or depressed and yes, I could eat myself into a narcotized food coma. But how would that help?
If I chose to do that, what kind of music would I hear then?
Probably sad music, right?
No, that’s not going to help me.
I have to overcome and allow my dark thoughts to motivate me to strive for the light.
I don’t want to sink anymore. So, therefore –
In a short while, I am going to defy the narrative in my head.
I will defy the social fears and intimidations. And I will put on some music.
I will wire this to my ears because if sad music helps bleed the sadness, then perhaps I can execute the rage and revenge by finding some electrified music, which I can pipe to my ears and I can wire my thoughts to redeem myself.
I can do this right now, and while the music blares in my ears, I can go to the gym and work on my chest and my triceps and my shoulders and let myself push the toxins away, instead of accepting them.
I can do this now, which I will after I send this out to the Universe.
I have to do this because there are plenty of reasons to regret not going to the gym. There are countless reasons to regret not taking care of myself—but I have never gone to the gym or Jiu-Jitsu and regretted doing whatever it takes to improve myself.
And by the way—
I never thought that I would be a gym person. I certainly never thought that I would be one of the people who others come up, just to say hello to.
I experienced a lot of losses over the last two years. However, just like some of the music I listen to isn’t so sad, some of my losses aren’t so bad either.
For example, I lost 60lbs and I’m in the best physical shape in my life . . .
I still have my challenges and my dilemmas, which act up like the aching of a bad back sometimes. I suppose what I mean is, some days are good, other days are not as good.
I’ve kept the weight off though.
But the voices and the old excuses are still there. So is the outlet of food or sad music.
So therefore, I guess when it comes to the thoughts we have, choosing to find the right music to create a better atmosphere is no different from choosing to listen to the better voices in our head.
I feel some aggressive music coming on.
So, if you’ll excuse me –
I have my own life to save.
What about you?
The Written Addiction 