144)
The way I see it is –
you have to lose yourself
in something, otherwise,
you can lose yourself
to everything,
if you know what I mean.
I remember back
when my friend Mitch
once told me,
don’t play that movie out
in your head—and
he was right.
It is easy to think your way to insanity,
it’s easy to think yourself sick
or crazy, or if I am being honest
I can be at my worst
when I think myself
into my own delirium
or, in the mental health world
I can think my way
into the basic insanities
known as cognitive distortions
which is brought on
by thinking errors and when led
by my insecure assumptions
which otherwise cause me
to lose my grip
or my foothold of reality—or worse,
I can become the worst side of me
or more accurately,
I can show a side of me
that no one wants to see.
I can become a jealous madman,
or I can lose myself
in fits or rage,
all because of a thought process
that led me astray.
“Stay out of your head, kid.”
Trust me,
this is good advice.
145)
I don’t know
where these things come from
or how insecurity begins
and to be clear;
I don’t know why I
or you
or anyone else
would allow for us
to lose to a comparison
of, say, my beauty
as it compares to someone else.
Who owns the right
to say who is beautiful
and who isn’t?
No one
if you ask me.
But no one asks me.
That is
if you know what I mean . . .
I am not sure
why I see my reflection
and then I allow
my mental mirror
to show me in a way
that does nothing else
but focus
on my imperfections.
I am the negative to the light
which is inaccurate, I know,
because deep down,
I know that I am not ugly,
but sometimes
I am not so sure.
I don’t know why
I live in fear
of losing more
or losing people in my life
or worse,
I don’t know why
I lose myself to the narrative
that I will lose you too,
or if anything, I suppose
my biggest fear
is that once you see me
for who I really am,
you would run the other way,
and then what?
Who would I dream of
if I couldn’t dream of you?
I don’t know where this came from
or where this began, however,
I can understand the terms
when we talk about
cognitive distortions,
for example, we acquire
knowledge, wisdom and understanding,
and as we grow, we have to see
that not everything learned
is accurate and not everything taught
is true.
Then again,
we have to come to the understanding
that interpretation
does not always match intentions
and, at minimum,
even if an insult lands and explodes
or detonates within our hearts,
we have the right to learn
to heal,
to grow, and to improve from this.
(So help me, God.)
I learned about the weight of shame
at a young age.
I learned to lose myself
to the different degrees of body types
or the different divisions of cool,
and I thought too much
about the social draws
or the different divisions of popularity.
I was never the good looking one
or the strong one, or the cool one.
I suppose I was the crazy one
at least for a while — but
at the same time,
what good does that do?
I don’t want to be crazy
I just want to be loved
or maybe that is crazy
all on its own, which,
in that case
then yes . . .
I am crazy too.
But moreover,
I lost to the idea
that somehow
I was less than,
and thus,
I never knew how to expand my value
or share my worth
with the right people.
I always assumed the axe
would come for my head
or separate me
from my soul
and hence,
my soul mate
would be more soulless
and then I would have to settle
and learn to live
with less.
I suppose, I’ll have to have a talk
with the mental mirror.
You gave away too much, kid
and you never saved anything for yourself –
you worked too hard to make others happy
but the others were the wrong ones
because they took all that you have
and never gave you anything in return.
You can see this now
and I need you to learn from this
so that, in the end, you can see how
your dependance fell upon
the cheers of others,
and rather than grow from within
you thought that you had to go without
and next, you never allowed yourself
the right to come first.
But wait . . .
where does that leave you now?
How does it feel
when you look to exit
your isolation,
and no one’s around?
146)
Breathe with me, please.
You and I have been up and down
and around the world
and at the same time,
we have gone nowhere fast.
Breathe with me,
and inhale,
and as we breathe in
imagine the wind
from the mountaintop
and imagine the sun
upon our face,
and breathe in as deep
as we can go.
Let the air
fill our lungs
and let the wind
move across our face.
Breathe out,
and the let the wind
take our thoughts away
and let them escape
into the sky.
We don’t need them anymore,
I have to wipe away the past
and breathe in
so that I can feel the air in my lungs
and so that I can breathe out
and let my chest fill up again.
Just know that love is real
and know that love is not your enemy.
No, this is fear acting like an imposter,
as if to be something, or someone important
(but it’s not)
and causing you to overthink
and second guess everything
and next, you’re going to lose yourself
to the aftermath
of your own hysteria.
Do not give in.
Do not quit
But most of all,
do not play that movie out
in your head.
We should know this by now . . .
because this is good advice.
147)
You have to lose your mind in something
otherwise
you can lose your mind to everything;
in which case, I have to tell you
that my house smells like food
and that I have been up before the sun
because my mind wandered off
and my thinking became unfair.
I decided to cook
because food brings me somewhere
and the idea of cooking
or preparing a meal for you
is enough to soothe the soul
and settle the rest of the challenges
in my head.
Good morning, Sunday.
I think you and I
have some work to do,
a worth to be rebuild
and a value to improve.
Note To Self:
Never cook naked . . .
almost burned myself
in a place that would have been
unfortunate,
if you know what I mean.
The Written Addiction 