148)
I go back to that saying
which I agree with
and to which I have heard
this often enough that I laugh
because I often forget,
and in my forgetfulness,
I argue with the irrationalities
which we both face
on a frequent basis.
The saying goes,
never in the history
of calming down
has anybody ever calmed down
simply by being told
to calm down.
I get that.
The same can be said about
the words
“Don’t worry,” because
as a man in this world
or better yet,
as a man who understands
anxiety, or as someone
who knows about the details
of depression, overthinking,
overanalyzing
and as someone who worries
far too much and far too often
or as a person who lives
with irrational fears
(and gives in to them)
and as a person with
an intimate understanding
of the words, “Impending doom,”
especially when put together
in a sentence, I can tell you
that I have been told to calm down
on countless occasions,
and I have been told
“don’t worry,” and while
I understand the meaning
behind these words,
I have been told these things
to no avail.
149)
I do not believe that anyone
chooses to be unhappy, yet,
unhappiness is real,
and, of course,
life comes with changes
and twists and turns
and more to the point,
life comes with disappointments,
and next, we find ourselves
in the face of unfortunate outcomes
or we live with unfair circumstances
or we find ourselves at the epicenter of betrayal
because people turned on us,
which came at no surprise; and I mean,
hey, it’s not like we didn’t see the red flags
and it’s not like we weren’t warned,
but sometimes, life is like a ride
at an amusement park – and at the same time
all you can do is strap yourself in.
Life is full of surprises
and next, we come to an understanding
that the words,
“let’s keep this between us,”
were not kept between us.
Friendships change.
Or, maybe—
we find out that our friendships
were not what we assumed
or the love from our hand
was not met equally
or felt the same
from the other side.
Love changes
life changes
and we change too
I change
you change. . .
this is life.
And so,
in a world that is ever evolving,
never limit yourself
and always adjust yourself,
act accordingly
feel, live,
love, laugh, and learn,
but with all of my heart, never stop,
never quit
and never give up on your dreams.
But . . .
Be ready for the letdowns
be aware of the consequences
and be advised that life
does not come with any guarantees
and by all means,
know that love in your heart
is not a curse.
Know that you are perfect
as you are, which is not to say
that you are a perfect match
for everybody—however,
one day
I promise,
the world you dreamed of
will open up to you,
and you will be
exactly where you want to be
forever.
150)
I am reminded again
of the saying I told you about
a few days ago.
In the land of the blind,
he with one eye is King.
It is easy to be swayed or
misguided
and when we can’t see
because our emotions are blinded
by thoughts and insecurity,
it is easy to be mad
about fights that do not exist.
I understand what it’s like
to experience blindness,
at least from an emotional
or a hysterical point of view.
I do not see well
sometimes
and sometimes,
the blindness is painful.
I have been told that love is blind
and, at the same time,
I have been told
that justice is blind too
but
I do not see justice in sadness
nor do I see the justice
in feeling alone, as in vacant
nor do I see justice
when someone is empty
or broken
at the heart.
I just want to be happy. . .
which means
I want my dreams to
come to fruition
and I want my mind
at peace
and somehow,
despite the weight upon my shoulders
or the gravity of life on life’s terms
as it may weigh heavy upon my chest;
or despite the speed of the wheel, or the traffic
at quitting time,
I may not be the best
and I might not have a skip in my step
but somehow,
despite the twists and turns
Fuck it . . .
I am still here.
151)
I know, I know
there is no way to calm down
sometimes.
I got it.
I will never tell anyone
calm down
or get over it
or don’t worry.
I would be a hypocrite
if I said that,
yet, I am sure
we are all a hypocrite
at one point or another.
The only thing I can say
is even if you lose your shit
or if you freak out,
the next best thing after you lose your mind
is to find it as fast as you can
and get up, dress up
and show up.
No matter what,
and no matter how hard
you get kicked in the ass
or no matter how bad the fall is
after you get knocked down,
get back up
Your story is not over
and despite the times
or the moment at hand,
our story is not over either
because I am not going anywhere.
I made you that promise once before
and I promise
that I’m sticking to it.
Are you ready?
Good . . .
because it’s time to go.
The Written Addiction 