A Way to Stop, Drop, and Let Go

I am not too far from you nor am I so far from who I am or who I want to be.
Either way, I know that I am where I am. And I know that this is where I am supposed to be.
For now . . .
Perhaps I should say that, if anything, I am more myself now than I have ever been before.
I am aware. I am broken but not destroyed.
I am healing but not at my best.
I say this is strength in the making.

I say this because, above all things, I have not quit. I have not given up and I have not excused myself from the responsibility of showing up and facing my downfalls or my recovery.

I have come for one of two things.
I am here for peace or for the fight to find peace.
Yes, some things are worth fighting for, at least to me they are.
Peace or the fight to make my peace.
I am here for either one.
I have come for either but in the end, I have come to find my way. I will do this by any means and no matter what comes.
I am not willing to give way, not now or ever again.
However, I am willing to surrender my old ideas and the old weapons of my previous self-destruction.
Those can go.
Either way, I am here.
And I will always be here.
No matter what
I am working and learning and still searching for things that I want the most.
At the same time, I am opening myself to interpretation.
Yes, I can see that.
I can see how this can be trying or intimidating.
Then again, perhaps this is nothing more than some kind of mental limitation.
To be clear, I don’t want to be limited ever again.

I am looking through my sights to see my target ahead of me. There she is.
I can see my target and next, I aim and adjust my sights.
I can see this now.
My dream . . .
My future . . .
My hopes . . .
And the embodiment of what I hope to be “my love” for life or longer.

I can see what my desires are as opposed to how I saw them not too long ago. I saw them as impossible or unlikely, at best. I tried to set my sights and gain a better focus, which was either faded or blurry.
I have ideas and thoughts.  
I have a picture and a plan, yet I often failed to make this so.

I know what I want. I always have.
Then again, we all know what we want.
I do not believe that knowing what we want is the issue.
We know.
We know exactly what we want but there are other challenges and distractions.
There are worries and fears that dreams can become reality — and then what?
What do we do when our dreams are not just deferred but instead, what do we do when our dreams are questioned and distorted by our fears of impossibility?

In fairness to me and my dreams, I admit that I have always known what I want. I have always known who I want to be. Therefore, I never believe people when they say, “I don’t know what I want.”
I know what I want. We all do.
I know exactly what I want and so do you.
The challenge I find is how do I make this happen?
Which direction do I take and will overthinking kill me in the end?

How do I turn my dreams into reality and rather than worry about the concepts of failure or impossibility, how can I keep my dignity intact and continue my searching without the assumptions of pass or fail?

I can see how there are times when we don’t know how to get what we want.
Absolutely.
I can see how times can be hard.
I can see how life can be confusing.
Of course I can see this.

I can see how the incidents and accidents in our everyday life can cause us to lose focus.
I can relate to the distractions of pain or the letdowns and, of course, I can understand the intimidation which comes when we face our temporary setbacks and feel the thump which happens when we fall down.
I understand the saying “one step forward, two steps back.”
Of course, I understand this.
I have tried and fallen and lost my foothold. I have fallen from the grace of benefit and I have found myself on the ground (again) after falling through the trap door of my so-called bottom.
I understand the thoughts and ideas of impending doom.
I have been on my ass before and I have had to fight back with my back to the ground, more than once.
I have lost nearly everything except, of course, the breath in my lungs and the blood in my veins.
I have lost my drive and my will. I have lost to the ideas that life is a cycle and what goes around comes around. Sure, it does.
But I have also lost to the assumption that my position in this cycle is to serve in the underbelly of this beast.

I remember being told that maybe I was following the right dream but I was using the wrong blueprint.
I can see how this makes sense.
Maybe this is true. In fact, I can see how my plans led me astray.
At the same time, I can remember the battles of my thinking. I can see where overthinking fails me and what takes place when I entertain my distractions instead of my effort.
I understand the complications that come with doubts. I also understand the intimidation that came when I thought about losses or my ability to overcome them.

I can recall the different episodes in my life where the objects of my desire were slipping away.
like sand through my fingers . . .
I remember questioning the  possibilities of whether I would be able to pull off my trick or to reach my goals, alive or dead, or at least in one piece.

I never want to be the puppet of my doubts nor do I want to submit to the ideas of impossibility.
I do not want to live in the narratives of good or bad, or pass or fail.
No.
I want to go back to the suggestion that pushed me the most when I was struggling the hardest.
The suggestion is as follows:
We are in the effort business.
Not the result business.

I need to move in a smart and incremental pace.
One step at a time. I can’t waste my energy anymore.
I have no control over who will stand by my side or who will abandon me.
I cannot make anyone love me or want me.
However, this does not mean that if I am rejected or not chosen by someone. This does not mean that I am loveless or incapable of “being” or “feeling” loved.
Happiness is not an illusion and neither is the ideas of being alive and living happily every after.

Stop. Drop. And let go.
But let go of what?
And how?
i think these are great questions.

I cannot hold the ideas or the worries that I will fail again and keep this with me. I cannot hold this tighter than the effort it takes to make my dreams come true or at least to try again.
I cannot live in the rejection from people, places, or things.
No . . .
I can’t focus on what went wrong.
I can learn from this, but I can’t hold my failures tighter than my successes.
I can’t hold my doubts more than I hold my ability to endure, or to get back up whenever I have fallen down.

I am humbled. I have been shrunken down to size, which is great, and this is perfect for me, if we think about this.
I lost so much that I can do one of two things.
I can lament and complain. I can be angry and I could spit at the ground or shake my fists at the sky.
Or I can collect myself and gather whatever it is I have left. I can collect my valuables, such as my dignity and my ability to endure.
I have been hurt.
Of course, I have.
I have been kicked when I was down.
I have been betrayed. I have been lied to.
I have been hurt.
But who am I to accuse or judge, especially when I am guilty of the above as well.

In the games of love and war, I have lost more wars than I care to imagine.
But this is not about my losses.
No, this is about our ability to stop, drop, and let go.

I have to let go of the ideas that something about me is unlovable or unfixable. I have to stop assuming that I have failed, simply because someone else told me so.
I have to let go of the ideas that because some of my plans did not work, something must be wrong with me. I cannot blame you or anyone or say that this is all me.
I am the common denominator.
I cannot blame everything on my fears or my challenges.
I can’t always blame my usual culprits like anxiety or depression, which is not to say that my biggest culprits are not accountable. No, I know who they are and I know them very well.
I know what depression is. I know all about anxiety.
I used to call these things “me,” but no.
I am not depression nor am I the face of anxiety.
I am far more capable than I allow myself to realize.
I am capable of great things, especially when I allow myself the opportunity to be great.

This entry is and has always been inspired by you.
I can say this to you now because even though I am sitting alone and although you are nowhere near me, you are always right here with me.
Always
I love the idea of who you are to me. I love the way you inspire me or push me to think or want or encourage me to be better than I was the day before.
That’s all I can shoot for — you know? I want to be one step better than I was the day before.
And should I backslide, well?
Okay then. Shit happens.

People slip and fall or we make mistakes or lose ground.
Shit happens.
We lose someone we love.
We lose another opportunity to tell someone (or the world) exactly how I feel. Even if we have the chance to tell someone we love them, oftentimes we failed to tell them when the time was right.
It’s too late now.
That ship has sailed.

I want this to be clear to you. I want the world to know how you make me feel.
I want you to know this.
Or wait, no.
I need you to know this.

I need this to grow inside of you like a seed would grow from a seedling to a sprout.
I need to feel this in my own heart as well.
Of course, I do.
I need to let myself go and stop overthinking whether I will be received or regarded.
I can’t worry about the questions in my head or live my life according to the ideas of rejection or rejective thinking.

I want to go.
I want to dance.
I might not have the best moves or I might not dance as well as others.
But I can dance with all of my heart and I can move.
I can feel the rhythm.
I can enjoy the swing and the sway and I can enjoy this more now than ever before.
I can see that the face of beauty changes, just like we have changed
(or moved on).

I listened to a song last night. I listened to the words and felt the lyrics in my soul.
It is brave and hopeful and I am simply this; a modest traveler. Thus, I have no right to walk through this world without any damages that teach me about the strength it takes to get back up.

I can see how I have hurt myself.
I can see how I have hurt others. As for you, my most beautiful and special friend, I can see how I have hurt you too.

I am no stranger to mistakes. However, and I have told you this many times before, I am not the sum of my mistakes.
I make mistakes.
Mistakes do not make me.

I am facing you. And I mean this in the most figurative way.
I am reaching out to you. But I mean this in the most literal way possible.
Then again, I am you and you are me.
But you have always known that, at least I hope so.
I have seen what beauty looks like and I have seen the ugliest of all kinds.
I have seen the ugliness in my own doings. Even more, now that I am sitting here, across from you, I offer no apologies for my effort. However, I apologize for what I have done to us —shortcomings and all.

I do not owe anyone anything.
But I do owe you.
Someday, I am going to find you.
I will give you this tiny thing, which is nothing more than a little seed.
I will place this in the palm of your hand and close your fingers around the seed with my hands over yours.
This is all I have. It is not much.
But I want to place this here with you.
I know that I want more.
I know that to have more, I have to do more.

I have to focus on the effort business.
I have to stop, drop, and let go of all the ideas and the painful past.
I have to stop seeing this world in the light between pass or fail.

It’s time now.
You know?
It’s time to step away from my limitations and learn how limitless it can be to live my life to the best of my ability.

This is me.
This is all I have.
This is my seed, which I have placed in the palm of your hand, so we can grow together.

I have not given up on my dream.
But I have given up on the old blueprints that didn’t work.

Change your thinking to change your feelings.
Change your actions to change your perception.

I like that idea.
Don’t you?