The thought of starting over is of course, intimidating, to say the least. As the saying goes, we start from square one. We have to start from scratch and begin again. The idea of change can be frightening. I know this for a fact.

For a little more than a year and a half, I have been going to a drug and alcohol program in a county jail to coach an empowerment class on Sunday mornings. The class begins immediately after breakfast at 8:30am. Most of the room is still tired. And then there’s me, blasting through the door, charged with energy and ready to roar.
I would like the record to reflect that his is not my description of what happens. No, this was something I was told by someone that used to attend my class and reached out to me upon his release.

A note for the kid:

I wrote this a while ago. But the shoe still fits, so . . .
I was around 14 or 15 years-old when a tall, heavy-set teacher, shoved me into the back corner of an empty classroom.
He was out of line but then again, so was I.
Grinding his teeth he said, “Do you wanna know what I’d like to do to you?”
Then he leaned even closer. “I’d kick the living shit out of you right now if I could.”

A lot has changed in my life. Then again, a lot changes in all lives. This is us and how we live. We go through changes, like it or not, and we evolve and we grow.
We move through different phases of life, which may or may not overlap. However, one thing I have learned with all certainty is that awareness and personal realization happens on an individual and timely basis. Maturity takes time. Growth takes time. And awareness also takes time. This is fact and as fact, this is non-negotiable.
I have seen some pretty incredible things over the last few years. More specifically, a lot has changed in the last year and a half, and more so, a lot has changed over the last several months.
I have grown and come into my own sense of self-awareness, which is important in order for me to grow

I’m mad . . .
I learned some news this morning. More than another one gone, it’s another two gone. And I’m mad.
I’m mad that I can’t place their faces to their names anymore because at this rate, we are losing so many and guaranteed to lose more to this so-called war on drugs.

This is the last full day here at the retreat in Imperial Beach. I have to say Sand Diego has been very kind to me. For now, the sky is the same as was when I came, gray and misty.
But overcast or not, each day a woman comes to sit on the rock pile on the beach and meditates until the sunrise is complete.
Currently, the winds are slightly cool. The waves are rolling in slowly. The surf is somewhat calm and the moment is mainly quiet. Soon enough the silvery mist will give way and the sky will return to its usual blue, which is beautiful to say the least. It will be warm and the sun will be kind to the skin. In full disclosure, this is not a bad way to get well.

I am sitting at a glass table in the surrounding of an Asian themed home , alone, wondering, and thinking about the life I lived, the life I’ve built and the life I look to achieve.
The sky is in view across from me and the beach is just outside the sliding glass doors, which are closed for the moment. However, the windows are open to allow the reoccurring sound of the waves crashing into the shoreline along Imperial Beach.

I see them sometimes, old friends and neighborhood friends. I see people from my past life whom I miss and appreciate their appearance. I also see people who I’ve spent time and shared intimate moments with but yet, now we just pass each other like strangers on the street now. I think about the different phases of my life. In each phase, I was always searching, always trying to find my way, and always looking to fit and find my place in the circle.
I see these phases like chapters in a book with a plot that keeps changing. I suppose one could call this our different phases of maturity. Then again, one could just call this life, in which case, all things do and must change.

Each morning, my alarm clock sounds. I am usually up before this; however, I still have the alarm set because as soon as I hear the sound, I know this means it’s go time.
I am an early riser. I always have been.
I wake up early and I move into my usual routine. I keep an eye on the time because I have a schedule to keep. I have a bus to catch and people to see.
I work a lot. Then again, we all work a lot because work is unavoidable.

I learned the hard way at a young age.
I learned that anyone who represents himself in a court of law has a fool for a client. I learned this while sitting on a hardwood bench and listening to jailhouse lawyers discuss cases of other detainees. I call them jailhouse lawyers; only, they never went to college. They just did a lot of time. That’s all.