The Program Problem

A lot has changed in my life. Then again, a lot changes in all lives. This is us and how we live. We go through changes, like it or not, and we evolve and we grow.
We move through different phases of life, which may or may not overlap. However, one thing I have learned with all certainty is that awareness and personal realization happens on an individual and timely basis. Maturity takes time. Growth takes time. And awareness also takes time. This is fact and as fact, this is non-negotiable.
I have seen some pretty incredible things over the last few years. More specifically, a lot has changed in the last year and a half, and more so, a lot has changed over the last several months.
I have grown and come into my own sense of self-awareness, which is important in order for me to grow

There have been mornings when I was awake as the sun was coming up. I watched the horizon changed. I watched the sky change from dark to light. I watched the sun come up and all the while, I wondered if anything makes sense.
Does life make sense?
Does it?
There are times when I am in the middle of too many things. My plate is full. I have worries about things I cannot control. I have concerns about people and concerns about other things like guilt or regret and above all others concerns, I have worries about rejection.

Know what I call this?
I call this honesty.

I sit with my coffee every morning before writing to you. I watch the sunrise and wonder if this is going to be the day when something breaks loose for me.
I have to find an inner-monologue to inspire me. This is that inner voice, said to me by me and pushes me to get up, get dressed, and get myself out the door.
And believe it when I tell you this is not always an easy task. I need to find my own personal incentive; otherwise, I find myself giving in to certain thoughts and anxieties.

In full disclosure, I admit to having my fears of getting exactly what I want because with achievement comes responsibility. Therefore, I am responsible for my effort, always, and I am responsible for out my output, always, as well as my dedication and the duty that comes with growing as a person as well as in business.
I admit to my fears. I do not hide them. Instead, I expose them. I tell on myself because once I do this it removes the permission to be lazy or remain the same or quit.
I have gone through a series of adjustments and secured my boundaries over the last few years to tighten my skills as a professional and to ensure myself that I am gaining ground on being the best me possible.

My intentions are the same and my intensity is still intact. I am still me; however, I have made changes and came to certain realizations that helped me to switch my goals towards a better direction.
As I see it, this is why an honest self-assessment is important. Otherwise, we find ourselves, 20 years later, making the same foolish choices just to keep from being afraid of an old fear that no longer exists.

Over the last year or so, I have gone through incredible swings of ups and downs. I have had good things happen and bad things too. I have encountered heartbreak. I have been involved with my own mishaps. I have created new relationships, rekindled old ones, seen them flourish, and I have watched some them fizzle as well. But this is okay.

Looking back as a means of honest assessment, I can see where my behavior was influenced by my insecurity. I can see where fear pulled its trick and influenced my responses as well as my reactions.
I can see where fear paralyzed me from moving forward and how the result left me behind, wanting, and wishing I had just taken the chance when the opportunity presented itself. Unfortunately, sometimes opportunity only knocks once, sometimes twice, before vanishing.

I can see where relationships steered me in a direction I never wanted to go. Moreover, I can also see where I made mistakes and where I nurtured ideas that were less than beneficial to me.
I can see where self-harm and self-sabotage played a part and I can see why this spiraled me down to a place of sad distraction.
This is the very thing that deters me from the path of my best ability. This is me when I fall behind on my personal maintenance.

I go back to my belief that when it comes to personal inventory, all roads go back to rejection and fear. And when I say fear, I mean fear of pain and fear of not being “Enough,” or “Fitting in.”
When I say fear, I mean the fear which follows when believing I am unacceptable, or unremarkable, unwanted, or unnoticeable, or undervalued, and underwhelming.
I keep in mind that all of this is internal. All of this comes from within. This is neither real nor fiction, but instead, this is a combination of concerns and predictions based on old recollections and patterns of my previous life. Therefore, this brings me to judge and I often misjudge quite easily because the math in my head is frequently miscalculated due to my own private and personal biases.

This is where the reaction system comes in and where we build our best system of self-preservation. This is where we build our defense mechanisms. This comes from the emotional center of our mind, which is also where we store the arrows to pop the bubbles and shoot down our own dreams.
This is where self-criticism lives and why we do things like say, change outfits 10 different times before going out to an interview or anyplace where self-worth and internal security is paramount.

No one is perfect. No one goes through life unscathed or without mistakes. This is part of life. This is how we learn. This is how we grow. This is also how we can keep ourselves stuck or depressed because this is also what we hold onto to keep us held back from ever moving forwards.
This is why you hear people suggest, “You have to let that go,” because weight like this is too unimaginable to ever move freely.

Subconscious programming leads to subconscious decisions and behaviors. We act and we think and we maneuver in response to the ideas in our mind.
We literally paint ourselves in a corner until we have no choice but to quit or instead, we find ourselves caught as a volunteered victim of the aftermath of our own self-created outcome.

For example:
Say you want to quit your job but you can’t. You wish you could get up and leave but you can’t. Maybe there are certain intimidations you don’t openly admit to. Maybe there is too much work and there is a fear of failure or fear exposure and fear of humiliation.
There are too many things on your plate.
“You had it up to here,” is the saying that comes to mind.
You know you’re stuck and you have that Dead End feeling. Fears come in, as if to say, “Maybe this is the best I can ever be and that’s just not good enough,” so rather than improve, you implode.
Or maybe there is a concern for competition; and what I mean is maybe there is a fear that we cannot compete at this level and mistakes and failures impose upon us and threaten our identity.

Maybe the work becomes too much and too intimidating. The so-called in-box on our desk is too full and the paperwork you find yourself behind is piled up too high.
Next is the anxiety. Next are the worry and the concern. Next is the behavior which is less than our best. This is where self-sabotage enters the room. We find ourselves fired because of unrelated behaviors—only, everything is related in cases like this. We forced this to happen.
They call this a self-fulfilled prophecy. People in this case are often unaware of their self-propulsion. And then someone says, “You did this to yourself.” which is true.
But why?
This is crucial . . .
Why we do what we do and how we behave is the important thing to understand.

There is the saying that people are caught doing something wrong because they want to be caught. I am not sure if this is true per se; however, I can say without any doubt that my decisions to behave dangerously were made because deep down, I had thoughts and feelings that led me towards decisions that I would never make if I were at my best.
In simple terms, my behavior is a response to my thoughts and feelings. So put in simpler terms, everything we do is interconnected.

I can see when I am not at my best. I can see a change in my behavior. I can see a change in my intention as well as my intensity. I can see the switch in my honor system because the ideas and thoughts I choose to honor are based on behalf of my subconscious needs.
“I just want to be pure.”
However, since I believe I am impure; I fail to see my ability to purify myself in any way possible. I fail to see my ability to do anything; therefore, I slip and I fall. I give in to quicker methods with fleeting outcomes that only leave me wanting more with the emphasis on the word, “More.”
And more accurately, I trip over my own two feet because the anxiety of my next step creates and emotional stutter, which follows with a physical response that counteracts my best hopes of living any better
Understand?

I can see where this has led to me to different downfalls. I can see where my insecurity and unsureness have led me to react irresponsibly and/or rebelliously.
I can see where my fears came in and caused me to feed the ego machine and push me to speak out of pride to defend myself. I can also see where I started wars that never needed to happen and where I fought with enemies that never even existed.
I created my own damage.
This is what I call an honest self-assessment. This is what I need to do to improve because this behavior has never been beneficial to me.
Emotional concerns like this bring me to a state of panic and steer me towards anxiety driven behaviors.

I can see where this had affected me both personally and professionally. This is where change comes into play. This is when I need to learn how to unplug from irrational thinking and charge myself with rational thought. Otherwise, I just trip over my own two feet.

We are certainly welcome to nurture fear. I can welcome emotional thought and worry. I can wonder about my discomforts with loneliness and the fears of being abandoned or uninvited and unincluded.
But how does the honor me? Or better yet, what does this honor? What does fear do for me? What does thinking about rejection and failure do for me?

In actuality my fear and shame only lead me towards guilt and regret and the inaccurate reactions of self-preservation.
And where does that lead me? I’ll tell you where.
Trouble, that’s where.

Whenever I give in to emotional thinking, I act on behalf of intimidation and fear. I respond in a way to protect myself from the inaccurate predictions and the projections which circle around in my head.
This is where subconscious behavior comes to into play. This is where self-harm and self-sabotage also come into play. This when people ask the age-old question, “Why did you do that?”
Then you shrug your shoulders and scratch your head in disbelief over what you did and say, “I don’t know.”
But the truth is we do know.
Deep down, we always know.

A while back, I sabotaged a working relationship because I was afraid they would let me go and see me as unimportant. In response, I behaved unprofessionally. I blurred my boundaries and spoke out of turn.
I was so worried about them choosing someone else that I gave away my position by being careless.
This is self-destructive behavior at its best. And no, I will not keep this quiet. I expose this. I tell on myself so that I will not do this to me again r ever find myself in front of embarrassing circumstances.
(Understand?)

This is what subconscious behavior is. It’s not that I wanted to be in trouble but I was afraid. I was thinking from an emotional perspective. I was thinking with irrational thought instead of using my intellectual mind.
I was worried about a professional bully and intimidated by new hires and new talent. And next, I compromised myself which led me to the awareness and the ever-popular old saying of, “You did this to yourself.”

This response is childish, I agree, and no, there is no reason to go deeper into the story; however, this is just an explanation of my old behaviors and thinking. This is not me now; however, this is my motivation to never let that be me again.
This is when my thought machine carried me in a less professional way because of fears of inadequacy and fears of being exposed. In fact, I was so fearful that my fears actually led me to being exposed and hurt in the excat way I was afraid of.
Isn’t that crazy?
See how that works?
See how thinking leads us to paint ourselves into a corner. This is what self-propulsion looks like in regards to self-harm and sabotage. This is an example of how we do this to ourselves.

A while back, I learned about this thing called Imposterism. When I began my speaking presentations and motivational groups; I remember thinking, sooner or later they’re going to find out I have no idea what I’m doing.
This is not rational.
This is just a thought.
This is part of my anxiety and emotional disorder that I live with but refuse to suffer from or be victim to.
That’s all . . .

I believed one day, someone was going to realize that I was a joke. As a matter of fact, I shared this with someone close to me who replied, “I feel that way all the time.” They said, “I never knew you felt this way.”
My friend told me he was insecure. I told him I am too.
He said he didn’t believe me.
I told him, “Trust me. I am just as insecure as the next guy, if not more.”
I’m just honest about it is all.

I don’t know what tomorrow has in store for me. I’m not sure where my next success will come from or when I’ll make my next mistake. I just know to steer away from emotional thinking and subconscious programming. Else, I’ll never reach the goals I’ve set for myself. Otherwise, I trip over my own two feet.
In order for me to be me, I have to give myself the permission to be the person I choose to be. Otherwise, I’ll just remain as I was.

And between you and me . . . I’ve worked too hard to let things fall apart now. Even if I swing and miss, I still have to swing for the fences because one day, I swear, I know we’re gonna knock it out of the park. And someday, I know I’m going to find a way to pull off my trick


So help me God. . .

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