I spent decades running as fast as I could, only to stop one day and find that no matter where I went nor how fast I ran, I could never hide from me nor could I ever outrun myself.

I ran for decades and for this very reason—I never wanted to feel the feelings that come with life on life’s terms. I never wanted to feel pain or understand desperation. I tried to turn this off to the best of my ability.
For decades, I tried to be numb—I wanted to be callous and tough. I wanted to be impenetrable and unaffected.
Instead, I was only hiding from Continue reading →

This is a piece about beauty . . .

I was driving upstate and heading northwest to a destination far beyond the reaches of the city or suburban life.
Tall tree-covered mountains were on either side of the road. My windows were opened to allow the air to filter through and give me a taste of that early autumn breeze.
It is drives like this that cause me to change my definitions and descriptions of beauty.

I drove passed farmlands and pastures. I went across Continue reading →

This is nothing more than a personal ramble.
In fairness, I am not sure what you (the reader) will picture or what you will imagine if you decide to follow along. I’m not sure if this will even make sense to anyone else but me. Still, a ramble is a ramble and this is just that—a ramble .

I am driving up to see two of my most special friends this morning. Had it not been for them and others like them when we all lived together on The Farm, I would not be the man I am now. Had it not Continue reading →

“Take this,” she said to him—an old woman
sitting in her favorite chair, upstairs,
living in a house built by the man she loved,
in a room where life happened
and memories were built.

She was a mother above all things,
loving and caring,
and she handed him a white silken scarf
which had been folded carefully.
“This belonged to your father,” she said,
a wife, a widow in mourning. Continue reading →

I come from such an interesting time. Like others, my family moved from a busy neighborhood to something quiet. We went from the active street behind Queens Boulevard to a less active, certainly quiet town away from the boroughs and into the suburban life. I have pictures of my old home somewhere. When we first moved in, the siding was brown on our two story cape. Our street was one of the main ones in the neighborhood. Across from us was a large empty field, several acres in size, bordered and separated by mound of dirt, which traced the outline of the vacant lot. Only, this was no ordinary field or vacant lot. This was once Continue reading →

As strange as it sounds, there is freedom in our failures. When there’s nothing left to lose and everything crashes; there is nothing left to worry about. Since all is lost, the pressure is lifted. There is nothing left to protect. There are no reasons to hide anymore. We are out now. We are already exposed and the bottom we hit is cold, hard, and absolutely painful.
When you hit bottom—at least this is bottom and you have nowhere left to fall.

Whether things could Continue reading →

This piece is for animal lovers. If you are not or never have been an animal lover, this piece will either sway you towards the idea or help you understand the love people feel towards their family pets.
I warn you, this may get a little sappy. There will be no apologies, and those who understand will see themselves as people that understand for a reason. Not everyone grew up or appreciates the same benefits in life. However, those who grew up with a family cat or dog will understand with warmth in their heart and perhaps a tear in their eye.
As a special note, and before I move forward, I think it will be helpful for you to imagine the house you grew Continue reading →

In afternoon, the hot white sand is a bed to the body of undressed footsteps. The soft waves move in from a turquoise bay and fold upon the length of an empty shoreline, which to me, runs on for miles.
The sun has already peaked and the glowing mass returns from its summit and begins to submit to the horizon. The beach is empty in this dream. Perhaps it is this way for a reason.  The sky is clearly blue and without a cloud to interrupt the view of an unobscured heaven. I am south of the equator, or so I suppose, and with all my heart, I do not want to leave this place.

I don’t want to move from Continue reading →

It is the end of August and the summer moves closer to its unofficial end. The hours of daylight have already begun to shorten and students are preparing for the upcoming school year. I find myself wondering if anything has changed. I know the classrooms are different. The teachers from my time have all retired. Some of them have passed away. I know the computers are different and the styles from my day have changed throughout the years. I wonder, however, if the core emotions are still the same as when I was a teenage boy. I wonder if the feelings are any different and what the crowds are like.

I wonder what the social strategies are with today’s youth. What are the social draws? What are the crowds like Continue reading →

I saw something the other day and it stuck with me. It was a picture with the words, “Never in the history of calming down has anyone ever calmed down by being told to calm down.”

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately.

Like many other people, I suffer from occasional to sometimes frequent anxiety attacks. They come on suddenly and often blindingly. However, after a careful consideration of these attacks; I realize they usually begin with a trigger. I see it like a unexpected storm that hits the horizon. The sky turns dark and loses daylight. One droplet falls. Then two droplets, three, and in seconds, the sky opens up and pours down in an angry rain.

When the storm hits, I lose visibility. I can’t think straight or focus because the rain is too heavy. This is how my panic attacks feel. When the anxiety hits, I began to lose choices. I lose my ability to negotiate or navigate my way through simple tasks. Everything happens at the wrong pace. Everyone seems to be in my way.
All I want to do is get out—and by out, I mean out of wherever I am. I’d like to get out of my skin. I would like to get out of my body—but I can’t so I begin to feel closed in. I feel claustrophobic and the Continue reading →