I am soaring through the pulse of your curves and moving through the swerve of your hips with an incredible fascination for your features and the way you make me feel.
I am wondering what it feels like to touch your skin with splashes of ice water in my hand as I press it against your Continue reading
My First Event
I walked through the glossy wooded front door that was set in a gray stoned wall. I was greeted with a smile by a tall, bald headed bouncer with no neck, hefty arms and a chub-face. He was an over sized Irishman in a black shirt with the word “Staff” printed in white lettering across the left side of the chest. “ID please,” asked the bouncer. This was nice because after we break the 40 year age barrier, it is good to be carded at the door of a bar and made to prove that you are in fact over the age of 21.
I was given a band to wrap around my wrist and a red ticket with the actual word, “Ticket” on it, which was printed in black lettering with a random number across the top and bottom edge of the serrated ticket. Continue reading
He stood in front if the mirror to practice his speech. He stared at his own reflection, staring an intense stare into the mirror, looking at himself to shake away the nerves. He was a man in love. Before each rehearsal, he exhaled strongly through clinched lips, rounded as if he could whistle instead of exhale. He directed himself into action and then he preformed. Continue reading
A Way To Play
I am alone, thinking, and sitting in the kind of quiet that makes my eardrums ring because there is nothing else to hear. In times like this, I realize that even silence comes with sound. In the quietest of times and in the absence of others, I can hear nothing but the high-pitched tone of an empty room.
I guess I might as well write about something . . .
Melany came through the Continue reading
Heavy rain falls in waves upon the roof of my house. I swear this sound is the opposite of an alarm clock. Teams of raindrops run down my rooftop like little footsteps running in big gymnasium. The dull roar of this pitter pattering on my roof, the chattering raindrops that hit my skylight above my head, and the droplets of rainwater that roll down the bay window in my loft; the view outside—the gray sky, the hardly swaying tree branches that move in a gentle rainy wind and the empty street known as Spook Rock are all so peaceful and quiet.
Today is Sunday.
The rain changes intensity and Continue reading
After the long, uncomfortable hours in the precinct with angry desk cops and detectives, and after the questions that came while being handcuffed to the side of a gray-painted steel desk in a small detective’s office—after the yelling cops screamed, “Tell us what you did,” and after the detectives smacked me around, beat me, and played their version of good cop/bad cop; after the several rounds of different accusations and the phone call home to alert my parents of my arrest, the alcohol in my system gave way to the sobering moment that I was caught. I sitting behind a chain-linked fence on a wooden bench with my left wrist handcuffed to a pipe that ran beneath the seating.
After the hours of processing, and the trip to a holding facility where I went through the normal Continue reading
After the last conversation I had with The Old Man while he was still clear enough to speak I told him, “I’ll see you tomorrow, Pop.”
I never said the word, “Goodbye,” because the word goodbye is too permanent and I was too afraid of losing him.
I never say the word Continue reading
Not always, but when I hear the sound a cigarette lighter makes after a thumb rolls down to spark the flint that starts the flame, it immediately brings me back to a time of wild chaos.
I am reminded of a place where the curtain was drawn closed and the thin off-white horizontal blinds beneath them, which were beaten and bent, were Continue reading
They say this is awareness month . . .
Before I move forward, I should explain that I am in no way a professional. I have no diplomas on my wall. I am not trained in the psychiatric field or a counselor of any kind. However, I am someone with a past, which is why this subject is very important to me.
To raise awareness, I choose to expose my own story as it relates to suicide. And I repeat; I am not a professional. Instead, am someone that sat on the other side of the clipboard in an examination room.
I often hear questions about suicide because many cannot understand why someone would take their own life. As an explanation, the following is a brief passage about my experience to explain what I felt and thought during tragic moments in my history. This is my way to enlighten those who may be confused as well as a way to comfort those who might think they are alone. Continue reading
Bravery is not the absence of fear. Bravery is the ability to respond in spite of our fears. I know this now because even in my bravest moments, I was still petrified.
I see my faith in a similar way. My faith does not come without doubt.
I have doubt, but yet still believe.
And though sad times and bad news comes for us all; I still believe in the heart of man. I still believe there is good in the world. And though I have prayers, I understand the answers Continue reading
The Written Addiction 