They say this is awareness month . . .

Before I move forward, I should explain that I am in no way a professional. I have no diplomas on my wall. I am not trained in the psychiatric field or a counselor of any kind. However, I am someone with a past, which is why this subject is very important to me.
To raise awareness, I choose to expose my own story as it relates to suicide. And I repeat; I am not a professional. Instead,  am someone that sat on the other side of the clipboard in an examination room.

I often hear questions about suicide because many cannot understand why someone would take their own life. As an explanation, the following is a brief passage about my experience to explain what I felt and thought during tragic moments in my history. This is my way to enlighten those who may be confused as well as a way to comfort those who might think they are alone. Continue reading →

Bravery is not the absence of fear. Bravery is the ability to respond in spite of our fears. I know this now because even in my bravest moments, I was still petrified.
I see my faith in a similar way. My faith does not come without doubt.
I have doubt, but yet still believe.
And though sad times and bad news comes for us all; I still believe in the heart of man. I still believe there is good in the world. And though I have prayers, I understand the answers Continue reading →

I never liked the dating scene, but after a failed marriage, I found myself back in the swing of it. I moved from a loveless home and sexless part of my life and settled into a small apartment with hopes for a potentially better future.
It was clear to me that a relationship was not an option. I was at the starting line of divorce; my papers of legal separation were freshly signed, my head was filled with too many concerns about finances and I questioned my faults as a man as well a father.

Aside from Continue reading →

Back when I was a little kid, The Old Man told me,
“All that television you watch is gonna rot your brain.”
At the time he told me this, I was in the den watching cartoons.
He told me, “I never watched television when I was your age.”
And by mistake, my less than smart words left my mouth before I had time to think about them. “That’s because they didn’t have television back when you were my age, Pop.”

The Old Man’s eyebrows folded down with his left eyebrow raised slightly above his right. The crunched lines on his forehead expressed the anger which was about to become painfully obvious as he screamed the famous words that come from an angry parent.
He shouted, “GO TO YOUR ROOM!” and as ordered, I retreated to my bedroom with the door closed, and of course, the small, black and white television that sat near my bed was turned off.
And by black and white, I feel I should explain to some of my younger readers that the television set, itself, was not black and white. The television set was gray . . . it was the picture that was black and white.
(This is what we watched before they invented that thing we call color)

My Old Man was Continue reading →

I was sitting in the rear pew of an empty Church. I was not there because I believed or because I was saved; I was there because there was no place left for me to go. I was emotionally emptied and bankrupt. The term hope and faith seemed like a far-off glimmer of something I always wanted, but yet, whatever I wanted always seemed just inches beyond my reach.

The Church itself was quiet and the room was cold. Sunlight came through the stained glass windows and brightened my surroundings. There was nothing dark about the room. There was nothing dark at all—except for the hole inside my spirit.
Outside the sky was wintery blue. There were no clouds in the air or leaves on the trees—except for the evergreens. There was no Continue reading →

In my case, awareness is something that often comes in time. Either my eyes were closed or my attention was elsewhere, or rationalized—but something happened—something, like the turn of a switch, and then suddenly, the lights came on and my vision was cleared.

In my case, different scenarios led to different awakenings. As I see it, life is separated by different levels of awareness. And I, myself, have gone through different stages along the way.
One morning, I opened my eyes and realized that I had been sleeping in a bed, which was beneath a roof that was over a home that belonged to someone else. I realized  that I had been living in a world that never belonged to me.

I looked around at the Continue reading →

I used to wear my past like a badge of honor. I used to see “The life,” as cool—like I was some kind of infamous gangster who always managed to slip through the fingers of law and consequences. I saw myself as untouchable.
And the junk—the cocaine habit, the vials of crack, crack pipe, the candle and bent-upwards spoon I used to cook my batches, and the alcohol, or any substance I used to put distance between myself and everyone around me were all tools of the trade.

I was asked if I felt proud of my past.
I am not proud of who I was.
I am only proud of my accomplishments that stemmed from what I used to be.

I admit to myself, to God, and to everyone that I have Continue reading →

A little girl wearing a yellow sundress sat barefoot on the edge of a wooden dock at the side of a quiet lake. Her shoulder length hair was the color of honey. Her eyes were brown and specks of light colored freckles scattered across her tiny nose.
She sat next to a little boy. He was the same age as she was. He sat beside her, quietly swinging his legs back and forth above the still water.
Like the girl, the little boy’s Continue reading →