And here we are again. (Aren’t we?)
We’re on the verge of a decision. We’re on the verge of fear and dealing with the problems of what comes with indecision.
We’re in the purgatory of emotions and thoughts.
Here we are again, unsure, hopeful, wondering, wishing that something would just happen already, like an answer perhaps, or maybe a sign or something, anything, anything at all that would make the challenge of our heart be settled and fine. 

Here we are again, sleepless yet dreaming, hopeful yet doubtful; thus, here we are caught in a womb-like place where the world is on the outside yet there’s this emotional dilemma of being on the outside looking in.

The truth is life is a journey. Along the way, we are going to find new discoveries. We are going to learn, change our mind and update our thinking.
We are going to meet people and see new things. We are going to live each day being a new chance at a new life. This is true for all of us. However, perspectives will vary and so will our levels of optimism.

Not everyone will see the light at the end of the tunnel and not everyone will come to the understanding that life is always unraveling. Life is a lesson and a mix of experience and actions.
However, not everyone sees life as a streaming form of grand opportunities.

I understand that life can take on a robotic appeal. Maybe it’s work. Maybe it’s a routine. Maybe it’s a lack of drive or purpose. Maybe life can seem pointless; as if there’s nothing big or bright; as if the glimmer to all the flashiness becomes dull or faded.

Back on the farm, it was just before Christmas and all the members of the house gathered to watch a special movie. We were all together in the main room to watch a movie called Boys Town.
To be clear, I was never into old movies or black and white films. At best, the only black and white shows I’d watch were some of the old sitcoms like The Honeymooners or maybe I Love Lucy.
For the most part, I was far from a movie buff and far from interested in an old film that I could never relate to.
However, in this case and, as usual, I was wrong again.

My intention with this is simple. I want to normalize how common we are. Although we’re all different in our own way, life happens to everybody.
I think now is a good time for a moment of truth.
I think it would be best to say that since our thoughts are the direction of our mind, it is safe to say that there are times when we need to step away from ourselves. There are times when we need to step away from everything; but at the same time, there’s nowhere to go because everywhere you go, there you are.

Let’s be mindful of something.
Life shows up whether we’re ready or not.
Got that?

I used to listen when people would tell me about myself.
I used to buy into this too. After a while, I started to wonder why?
Why am I allowing myself to submit to the predictions and the judgments of other people?

I never questioned any of this. I just listened and accepted.
I never thought to myself, “Hey, maybe they’re wrong” or “Maybe this is more about them than it is about me.”
Instead, I would buy into the idea that maybe they were right.

They had to be right, right?
Why else would they tell me these things?
Or better yet, why else would I listen?

I have news for you.
Moments will happen that come without warning. Sometimes life has a way of throwing us off. Sometimes people betray us. Sometimes we say mean things. We can be hurtful at times. We can grow and we can fall. We can only take so much or so it seems and just when we thought that we couldn’t take anymore, life comes along and hits us with something else.
We can heal and we can suffer.
We can stand and we can regain our composure.
Or we can submit to the world and allow ourselves to be washed away in the undertow of life.
But why?

Ever hear a song that brings you back to a time when you were much younger?
The world was a different place then. I was different and so were you, of course.

I’m not sure what I knew or what I thought. Then again, I’m not sure if I was aware of anything. At the time, I suppose I never focused on anything more than what I should wear or how I should look.
I suppose I thought we would be young forever. Or is this a common thing? Wasn’t it common to think we could survive forever on simple foods and our crazy friends?
I suppose I never thought much about the future or setting up a retirement fund. I never thought about a career or what I wanted my life to look like when I was older. Besides, thoughts like this were for older people and I never wanted to be older.

In answer to the question, I will admit that this is a tough one for me to tackle. However, in answer to the question, I believe it is necessary to tell the world what I was thinking and that somehow, I was confused by an internal narrative that misled me to believe that something about me was off or defective.

For some reason, I believed in the labels I had been given. I believed in words like learning disability. I believed in words that coincided with me being a bum, a crook, a junkie or uneducated.
This is what I thought and this is what I believed people would see when looking at me.

I will make this one quick and yes, indeed, I think this might sound a bit sappy. But sappy or not, I will report this to you out of love and solidarity.
Over the years I have been fortunate to create new friendships. Some of these friendships are actually old connections from back in the days of crazy nights and memorable mischiefs, which took place in a town called East Meadow.
However, our paths have either crossed again or maybe it’s safe to say that our friendship was reborn in our later years.

The following entry is an old journal entry. This is a rant of mine from back when I was working with an opiate overdose recovery team. I was angry at the time and a bit all-over-the-place. But this is an answer to some of the questions I got.
Why did I choose to get involved with the fight?
Read on –

A rant written at 3:00am