Answer the Question – A Moment From the Heart

My intention with this is simple. I want to normalize how common we are and that although we’re all different in our own way; life happens to everybody.
I think now is a good time for a moment of truth.
I think it would be best to say that since our thoughts are the direction of our mind, it is safe to say that there are times when we need to step away from ourselves. There are times when we need to step away from everything; but at the same time, there’s nowhere to go because everywhere you go, there you are.

Let’s be mindful of something.
Life shows up whether we’re ready or not.
Got that?

Life happens and so does pain. This is when we need an escape. We need a brief exit strategy to keep ourselves sane – at least a little bit. Maybe it’s as simple as a moment to breathe or maybe it’s an action. Either way, without action there is no change.

I think now is a good time to be honest about life and the way life works. I say this because in fairness, hard times come for everyone.
They come without warming or they come when we need a break.
Hard times happen regardless if we’re ready or prepared.
Either we stand or we fall; but either way, you can be rest assured that life is going to show up at your doorstep on a daily basis.
Hence, this is life and no one gets away unscathed.

Either we work on making our life less toxic or we work on making ourselves less miserable.
Either way, nothing changes without an action. 

I have a few escape routes of my own which I use at times when I need to hit the panic button.
The first escape route is music. I can use this to help transport my moods into something easier.
Or I can use music to help me unblock the cluttered sentiments and, yes; if this makes me cry, then so be it. If the music fuels my adrenaline to feel as if I can burst through a wall, then so be it. Either way, I view music as a vehicle that helps transport me from one space to another.

My next escape route is a long drive.
I incorporate this with music as well; however, there are times when this escape route is more of an imaginary trip.
I can see this in my mind.
I can see me from a bird’s eye view, driving along, heading down by the coast of a place I’ve only dreamed about.
I can see the wind blowing through my hair as I drive along with the top down in a red convertible.
The sun is on my face. The sleeves on my white button down shirt are rolled up above my elbow and I am driving to a place of freedom, just north of the border, before crossing down to Mexico’s way.

I have this picture in my mind which I hold both dearly and sacred.
I keep this picture close to my heart because there are times when life shows up.
There are times when I can’t get away from myself and there are times when my soul has reached its limit.
I swear, sometimes, it’s like I can’t take it anymore.
I can’t take the thoughts. I can’t take the worries. I can’t take the perceived threats or the inaccurate feelings that come with impending doom. 
Or maybe I can’t take the grief from a loss or the pain of missing someone or in this case – I’m missing something.

By the way, this never happens at a good time,
not at all.
When life shows up at your door, it makes sure to come at the worst times possible. It’s like an unwanted guest who shows up just before you sit down to eat your favorite supper.

This is how life works.
I have this dream in my head. . .
I’ve had this vision for as long as I can remember.
It’s me, just me.

The sky above is absolutely perfect. The sun is up and there’s a few clouds in the sky – white ones too, big and fluffy, which is fine because the clouds are there only as a compliment to the blueness of the air. Otherwise, the clouds do nothing to impede upon the justice or the brilliance of the sun. 

On my left is the Pacific and on my right is the land. The road is otherwise empty and the wind through my hair goes perfectly with the music to act as my therapeutic tool.
I need this the same as I need air to breathe.

I am no better or worse than anyone else in the world.
There are times when my heart hurts (like now).
There are times when my mind is tired from jumping hurdles and maneuvering through this obstacle course which we call life.
This is when I need my escape route.

I have this view in my head. It’s just a view.
It’s just a dream or a little vision in my mind which I use when I need a break.
I use this here, as a vehicle with you, to share this as an idea so that, for the moment, I can get away from myself. At the same time, I can come back whole again. 

I am not impervious to life or life’s terms. I am human, the same as the rest of us here.
I have a heart that beats and eyes that see.
I have a mind. I have emotions.
I have recollections of good times and memories of pain.
I have an association with experiences and feelings which is where my personal and emotional biases come from.
However, I also have this.
I have this little spot, right here.
I’ve been building this place for more than a decade now. 

It’s my own little room.
Can you see it?

This is my studio. This is my workshop and my lab which, of course, is where I come to script my ideas and figure out ways to pull off my trick.
For the moment, the trick is to get away from my thinking.
For the moment, the trick is to alleviate the pains or the challenges which come with life.

For now, I come to you as humble as can be because for now, I am simply a boy without his dog.
That’s right; I am a boy without his dog
I write this to you in the early morning hours, the day after my dog has been put to sleep.

I write this to you with the thoughts of my dog’s softness and his gentle ways. I write this to you in the absence of his presence and with an air of lonesomeness.
I call out my lonesomeness because to a boy with his dog; the question remains” What’s a boy without his dog?
Well, for now, hat boy is me.

I wonder what that ride might be like if my dog was with me. I can imagine him, my dog Brody, sitting in the passenger’s seat with his mouth open slightly and his tongue hanging out. His eyes are partially closed as if to have an expression of joy on his face.

Wherever he is now, I hope he is well.
My dog, Brody

I write this with a twinge of insecurity; however, I also write this to humanize the truth which is that I am nothing more than a regular person.
I write this to normalize the concepts that people of all kinds are free to experience life and free to experience joy, pain, love and all of the emotions that range within our common index.

Also, I write this with an effort to bring myself to you, humbly as ever, because this is all I have.
This place. This little room inside of my head.
This is mine.
This is my place to go when the panic button goes off.
This is where I can heal. This is where I can say my name without worry.
This is also where I can go, even if only in my mind, and I can build that scenery in my head.
This is where I can drive off and put the top down.
There is no pain here. There is no worry. 
There are no distractions.
There’s only some quiet music in the background and the vision of my peace.

See, I want to explain my intention for this journal.
The intention for this is no different than my intention for my other journals.
Everything I write here is true. Or, if anything at all, everything I’ve written to you is true to me.

My aim with this journal is to understand more about my thinking. Also, this journal is to help define the human breaking point which we all have. This is nothing more than a humanized way to help us understand the way we think and the way we do things.

We all have our own personal half-life.
Understand? 

Now, if you don’t remember what a half-life is, then please allow me to explain.
A typical half-life in physics means the time required for one half of the atoms of a substance to disintegrate.
Or, from a biological perspective, half-life is the time it takes for a substance taken into the body to lose one half of its effectiveness.
Or thirdly, this is the brief period where something flourishes before dying out. 

Life works this way too. 
I once mentioned to you that the only way “to it” is “through it.”
There comes a time when the weight of our emotions is going to be heavy. At best, all we can do is give it time.
All we can do is feel what we feel, think what we think and heal when we can. 

Even grief comes with a half-life which is not to say that our love diminishes by half or that our love will ever dissolve.
However, the measures of grief can somehow transfer – so we can heal.

As for right now . . .
I’m not thinking about healing so much.
For now, I’m just a boy without his dog, alone, crying about my little boy. 

For now, I’m just a person sitting here with you, writing in my journals to answer the question about my thinking.

So what am I thinking now?
I’m thinking that man’s best friend is an understatement.
He was my boy. My dog.
My very special friend, gone to cross the rainbow bridge.

It’s okay, buddy.
Don’t be scared.
You’re a good boy.

I’m right here . . .

And I always will be.

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