Ah, the life according to question, “What if?”
I know this all too well.
Of course, there are two sides to every coin. Am I right?
Therefore, there are two sides to every “what if” question.
I’m sure.
Let’s not forget the life according to the questions of “When?”
When is it my turn?
When am I going to be happy?
When am I going to break this mold and be the person I’ve always wanted to be?
I heard this the other morning.
“God is great.”
Then someone said, “Is it that simple?”
The other person replied, “Yeah. It’s that simple.”
I can neither confirm nor deny whether anything is that simple. I cannot say whether my faith reaches that level nor can I confirm that faith alone will soothe the pain or calm the storms that we face in life.
It’d be nice though.
The aim is to be happy. I know I want this.
We all want this.
I suppose the difference between me and the happiness I aim for now as opposed to before is that I cannot allow my happiness to come at the expense of someone (or anyone) else.
Selfish or self-centered living comes at a much higher expense than the cost of real happiness
And me? I want to be happy.
Or even better, I have set a goal for myself. I have made this my commitment because there is no other choice in my eyes.
My goal is to rid myself of the external worries that cannot, will not, and do not serve me or my best interests. However, I have to rid myself of my own impurities and toxins, which means that I must not allow myself to slide back or revisit what I consider a toxic lifestyle.
There is more to life than what we see. I suppose this is true for us as well. There is more to life and more to us than what appears on the surface level.
There are more features beneath the surface, yet it seems common that people notice the surface levels without daring or bothering to dig deeper than the flesh of someone’s skin.
This is how you know when someone cares.
You can see this because they notice small things. Maybe they notice the unspoken things, which is often the case because when someone cares, they can tell that the words, “I’m fine,” are not true.
I suppose the real question for me to answer has become this.
What’s my purpose?
What is my reason for being and living because more than anything else, I do not want to be here just to be here or take up space.
I want to be more than someone who fills a void because if this is it, or if this is all I am, then I am nothing more than void or void in the sense that I am only here to kill time.
That’s the last thing I want to do.
I want be more than some kind of mild distraction to an otherwise, bigger picture.
What has to happen?
What needs to wake a person up so that they are no longer sleepwalking through life?
No one knows.
No one really knows what goes on in your head or your heart.
Even if you tell someone your thoughts, they can only understand you from their own perspective.
No one knows how you feel.
No one knows what it feels like to have a cut in my skin or a bone that never healed right or the aches in my back.
But then again, this is me.
As for you . . .
No one feels your pain or your pleasure.
No one knows what color looks like from your eyes.
And I know this.
I know because I say this all the time.
I have no idea what the color red looks like to you. I have no idea what the waves at Point Lookout feel like on your skin nor will I ever see the sunset through your eyes.
No one knows what it’s like to wake up and get out of bed and face your life or your struggles. Even more, nobody knows what it took for you to stand up when you swore that you couldn’t.
I have been me for as long as I can remember.
I have tried to be different. I tried to be other people or someone else, but no matter how I tried, the only person I could ever be is me.
Anything else was fake, like an imposter.
I’ve been a fraud before, like a bad check that has no business or funds to cover the debt.
I’ve been this before too, or otherwise bankrupt, empty, or voided like a canceled check that was no longer worth the paper it was printed on.
However, past endings and old challenges are no longer my focus nor should they be.
Bottom line is as follows:
This is me.
This is my skin, or like I always say, “this is the skin I’m in.”
One thing I know is that the world does not happen in an accidental way.
No, I believe in intention over coincidence and purpose over happenstance.
I believe that the world is a deliberate place; whereas you and I or the way we overlapped more than once is not coincidental. No, this comes from the power of some greater force than something that’s an accident of subject of chance.
Nothing is ever accidental, except for accidents.
Of course.
And even accidents come to a head or lead us to a point where we learn something or grow stronger.
I have travelled a great distance to be here.
At the same time, I have only moved in tiny circles to find that no matter where I went, all I needed was right here in front of me.
You have always been here.
Always . .
and I have always been there
(in your heart).
We never knew it though.
I suppose a better question to ask is, “What is it?”
What is it? What gets you out of bed in the morning?
What motivates you to get out of bed and go to work?
Or if you don’t work, what pushes you?
What drives you?
What is it that makes you put in work?
Or what happens that makes you want to stand up even if you don’t have the strength to stand?
Some people tell me “it’s my kids.”
Or I hear people say, “I do it for my family,” which I get and I understand.
But what is it?
What turns and revs your engine?
What gets your motor running despite the empty gas tank?
What is it?
I believe in things, such as the war of man or the war within. I believe in the power of these battles and how the devastation of thought can lead us to our own forms of self-destruction.
I am far from alone with this. Then again, life in thought can lead us to lonesome places, whereas the abandonment and the suspicion of betrayals can cause us to lead preemptively, we tend to cause our own collateral damage or needlessly strike first and fast to keep us safe.
And so, if it is within me, then this is within me — and so, the rest is up to me.
Peace is a decision. I agree. Much like the peaceful warriors who have learned to differentiate their battlegrounds, I need to find my way and find the horizon where promises live.
The Written Addiction 