And so it goes . . .
Right?
And so this is what happens with any change or with any moment of realization. This is what comes upon us when we open our eyes, or with any so-called bottom that we hit, we have to come to an understanding or an acceptance of “What is,” which is either unalterable or beyond our control.
We have to address the bottom that we’ve hit. As if to say, “Okay, I guess this is it.” Or, “This is what’s happening” and at the same time, this doesn’t mean we have to like it. This doesn’t mean we agree with what’s happening. All this means is we understand where we’re at.
And that’s me –

I can’t say it was always like this. I can’t say that I always saw clearly or even if I see things clearly now, I can’t say that I see anything clearly enough to call it all obvious. I can’t say that I understand the process of how life works or why life happens the way it does. I know that I have been telling you about fate and my love and the connection between the two. I see signs. As in, all the time. As in every direction I turn, there’s a memory or a hint of some kind as if this is a finger that’s pointing me towards a direction. And so . . .
When it comes to my list of mishaps and my list of accomplishments as well as my list of items that I need to prepare for and overcome; I’m not positive whether I spent too much time treating symptoms or perhaps I spent too much time focusing on problems instead of defining my solutions.
Maybe I needed to come to this understanding. This way, I can learn to stop treating the heart attacks AFTER they happen.

I can’t believe that time flies like it does.
At the same time, maybe it’s good that time moves fast. Maybe this will bring us closer to something bigger or more promising, like say – a smile over something simple.

And so it was or so it is.
Or perhaps, so this will be another time and another spin around the sun. Maybe this is more than a cosmic concept from the mind and more than the strings of destiny yet, although I know there’s a purpose for me, I swear there are times when I look up and wonder, what am I missing?
Am I supposed to be seeing something?
Did I miss a turn?
Or,wait, this is fate we’re talking about, right?
Then I didn’t miss anything yet because fate and I have an agreement.
And yes, fate is on my side.

There is a scene towards the end of the movie Good Will Hunting that has always had meaning to me. And of course, at a moment when I was trying to “relax” or not to “think,” I found myself clicking through the movies on cable. What did I click on? You guessed it. The very same part where Will has a breakthrough. This is towards the end of the movie when I suppose, for no lack of a better description, Will Hunting finds himself at a moment of awareness. The scene ends as he breaks down and cries because the truth of his life and his hardships are explained.

I suppose I don’t know what tomorrow brings. Then again, no one knows what tomorrow brings. I’m sure that we all have hopes.
We all have idea and wishes and dreams.
Yes, but so long as tomorrow comes then at least tomorrow comes, and with this can bring hope. If nothing else, at least tomorrow can come with the hope that the next day can bring change.

They say that we give off an energy or maybe this is our chemistry. Maybe this is why we gather and gravitate towards certain people in our lives.
Maybe some of our connections are more of a habit and less than helpful and more of a deterrent than an inspiration to launch our life into the next best level.
Maybe the reasons for our connections are more scientific or even phycological than the cosmic nature of what we think or believe that fate should be.

I have been telling you about this so-called rebuild that I’ve been working on, which are these notes of mine. More importantly, this is what this journal is all about. This is about personal improvement. But more, this is about understanding the different levels of my ability to live, love, laugh and learn. This is not about divorce per se or the need to create a new life or start over. While I have told you all about my love, this is more than a journal about love or the need to find love. This is more than my need to feel loved and by no one else except for the love of my life.
No, this is more than a relationship journal or a record of my past, which has led me up here to now. Hopefully, the work I do here is the work that will set me up and propel me towards a better and brighter future.

I just read somewhere that the right person will make you fall in love with yourself too. 
I agree with this . . .
I can see how this makes sense.
I can see how love is the true enemy of doubt. I can also see why true love can take away pain, dissolve the past, erase the trails of broken memories and bring hope into our heart.

I can see how the sound of a voice can change the course of a day. But more, I can see why the absence of a voice or how the resurgence of doubt can attempt to destroy or confuse the mind. 

I have some unfinished business to take care of. And by now, I’m sure this is no surprise.
I have a life to live. I have hurdles to leap and obstacles to overcome.
Better yet, I have obstacles that need to be turned into opportunities. I get it. I’m not the safe one. I come with risks. I have uphill challenges and battles and quirks and flaws. I am not the common one nor am I typical of anyone in your life. But on the other side, I am the one who makes your heart beat so fast. I am the one who puts air in your lungs. I am the one who puts love in your heart.
And go ahead – tell me I’m wrong.
But you can’t. . .