Notes from the Neighborhood – On the Ninth Day of the Ninth Month

And so it was or so it is.
Or perhaps, so this will be another time and another spin around the sun. Maybe this is more than a cosmic concept from the mind and more than the strings of destiny yet, although I know there’s a purpose for me, I swear there are times when I look up and wonder, what am I missing?
Am I supposed to be seeing something?
Did I miss a turn?
Or,wait, this is fate we’re talking about, right?
Then I didn’t miss anything yet because fate and I have an agreement.
And yes, fate is on my side.

But next, there’s a lesson to be learned here.
There’s something to be said about the time we miss or the time we waste.
There is the fleetingness of a missed opportunity. However, in fairness to the details of our fate and our destiny, if it’s in the cards, then it’s in the cards.
If this is the case and if this is true, then this would mean that there are no missed opportunities. No, these are only moments which we needed to experience in order for us to awaken to a new form of understanding. This is fate at work. Should this lead us closer or furthest away from our dreams – then, yes, I say fate and destiny are stepping in to show us the glory of what we have in store.

There’s the reasons why I find myself here. As in, now.
And next, there’s the soft glow of an early light that moves between my blinds to let me know that morning is here.
Sunrise has decided to show up.
The moment is incredible and so is my level of awareness because where are you?
Where are you aside from here in my heart?
Where are you now? 
Are you as close to me as the dreams I see when I close my eyes?
Are you halfway around the world?
You are, aren’t you.
You’re experiencing life, out loud, and amazing.
I find this to be beautiful.
Maybe you are out there, seeing the lunchtime affairs at places like somewhere near the Prince’s Palace of Monaco or on the other side of the marina over by Qua Louis? 

Or, am I dreaming again?
Yes . . . that’s it.
I am thinking about the sunrise in places like I mentioned the other day – as in Monte, or more truly known as Monte Carlo, which at some point, I want to be here one day.

I have to say it . . .
I have to verbalize my dreams so I can visualize them as well.

I want to get up and face the day. As in right now.
I want to get out of bed and move away from my thinking which is why I have decided to set a course of actions that will last throughout the day.
I have chosen to make a move that allows me to replace my thoughts with action.
Otherwise, what else is there?
I can certainly entertain my thinking,
But I’d rather switch the plan and create something better for myself –
Know what I mean?

The greatest thing I have now is the fact that I don’t have to care who sees or who knows about the little details in my life because the bottom line is who cares?
I say this is the case when we finally decide to change our perspective.
I say this happens when we slide away from poor and unwanted territories.
And we make a move . . .
Also, this is what takes place when we decide to advance our priorities and rather than nod to agree or simply acquiesce, we turn the page and live for something else.

We can make a new choice. You know that, right?
We can choose to stop this right here and right now. Which by the way, unleashes a freedom that is unlike any other I have ever experienced.

This is better than a high. This is better than any specific euphoria.
I say this happens when we stop hiding behind masks and step away from the games we play.
Relax, we used to tell people, and pretend as if everything’s fine.
Maybe it is fine, things I mean. 
Maybe the itch we feel or the displeasure we find (even when everything’s fine) is nothing else but a need for change. We want more. And more doesn’t come with the same old, same old.
No, more comes with more motivation and more movement and this would mean that now is the time to get moving.
Isn’t it?
Maybe all the hints and the signs are sent from the angels.
Maybe this is all a nudge that comes from the prophets of fate; or perhaps this is a sign from the spirits of destiny telling us, it’s time now.
We have outgrown our existence here. If we stay, then we are no different from an animal who outgrew its cage, in which no matter how we try to acquiesce and twist and contort ourselves, our hopes are too huge and and our dreams are too big to fit in our box, which has grown too small.

I remember hearing someone tell me:
“Nothing happens if nothing happens” and I get that now.
I understand.

I’m awake now. And this is more than me saying that yes, I’m awake and out of bed, which is obvious.
I’m awake because regardless of the hour and the darkness of early morning, it is obvious that I am awake because I’m here.
Of course, I am.
Where else would I be?

However, I am awake and at the moment, I am experiencing more of an awakening as we go along in this journal.
I am opening my eyes wider with each sentence, each paragraph and as we move, chapter by chapter, I am seeing things with a new perspective.

I am free now . . .
I say this yet I have certain limitations.
I’m free but not so free that I can tell the world to “fuck off!” and not have to pay for it.
I get that. I have a job to do.
I have work ahead of me.
I have this journal which has been helpful to me along the way.

I am free . . .
I say this took place on the very same day when everything came to light.
I say this happens when we refuse to lie to ourselves or live a double life.
And just like that, once the dawn comes and the sunrise takes place, it’s pretty incredible to realize that as the director, captain and master of our footsteps, we can choose any which way to go.
We can create a new direction. We can circle back and look into the past memories that left us with a smile – so this way, we can repeat our happy performances and be exactly where we want to be.

More than my desire to touch you or to feel you, I have another desire to make each moment so precious and valuable. I have the need to honor days like this. I have the ache in my heart to which I want to set the record straight. So long as we are setting things straight, I want to be clear from here on in.
I want to stand up and be counted. I want to stand up and shout because absolutely, love can make me brave. The idea of touching your leg or caressing your skin by ways of affection is more than the dances we create when we slide beneath the sheets. I call this love. I call this intimacy.
I call this the fourplay that is meant to last us for the rest of our lives.

This journal has been a guide for me. Then again, so have you.
This has been my way of settling the voices in my head.
It’s my way of venting. And especially in this case, this my lighthearted way of creating fantasy and enjoying the sweetness of our sexual conquests where we do the unthinkable in unthinkable places and yes, I have fantasies. Sure, I admit this that there’s an idea I have which takes place on the steps of a church, but hey, I’m human. And you . . .
You are beautiful.

I have chosen to keep my mind busy today. I’ll do this by occupying my time with projects and tasks that help me drain the unwanted and subconscious energy. I want to get rid of the draining thoughts that impacts my chemistry and keeps me crazy.

Then again, who says being crazy is a bad thing?
I like my brand of crazy. I’d market this if I could but hey, everyone’s crazy, at least to some degree.
Right?
What’s today? Saturday, right?
September 9 –
Today is the ninth day of the ninth month and more specifically, I am 11 days away from turning another number; as in my number, or should I just call this my birthday?
I know that today has significance. The date. The time. The meaning.
I know this is subjective but still, life is subjective to us anyway.
Either way –
I know that I am significant. And you? You are significant as well.
In fact, you and I are more than both significant and noteworthy.
We are absolutely everything we need.

Of course, since this is Saturday, I have decided to continue my new tradition and cook another meal. I am noting this down as my new Saturday morning, slow-cooker tradition.
I started out with some boneless chicken thighs, which I browned in a pan with some butter, garlic, olive oil, and some white wine.
Now –
If I had lemons . . . I’d have thrown some lemon zest in. But hey, I’m not a chef. I’m not even sure if I know what I’m doing. But I know that my apartment smells good.
I’m not here to be a chef anyway.
I’m not a guru nor do I want to be.
I’m only a man in need of a good meal and a good way to replace my thoughts with action. Hence, the meal is more than a meal itself. This is my way of valuing my time.

I have some sliced baby-bella mushrooms and diced celery. I have some carrots and some yellow, red and purple potatoes, which are small in size and absorb all of the sauciness and flavors of the stew, which I can smell right now.

I have the crockpot on low. I have a plate ready and an empty one, just in case you show up . . .
Aside from that, today will be a self-care day.
That means laundry.
This means I have some cleaning to do.

This means I have some furniture to put together and some new blinds to hang over my windows. And when I’m done, I will sit and eat.
But if I had my way, I would be elsewhere with you.
If not, I would wait until you came home to ask you about your day, to put my lips against your mouth as soon as I see you – or to welcome you home properly; in which case, I’d say that you and I would be naked within the first 30 seconds after you walked in the door. 

I love that idea . . . .
Don’t you?