Note to a kid like me

I was you once. This is how I know behavior is not an accident…

There has always been a reason behind my madness. There is a reason why I speak and there is a reason behind the things I say.
Always.
The first reason behind my madness was awkwardness; then came confusion, anger, and the inability to express myself.
And that was the hard part; the inability to express myself.

I look at you and I watch the kid I used to be.
When you’re a kid, the term “They” means everything.
I tried to fit in, just like you’re trying now.
But I was out of my head……
I remember practicing what to say to people and how to act.
I used to rehearse in front of a mirror
only, the words never came out right when I said them in person.

No kid should feel this way. No one should feel awkward, or cursed.
No one should feel strange, or different.
No one should feel uncool, unfit
or misunderstood.

But the cutting helps.
Am I right?
Don’t be afraid say it…..I did it too                 (I saw the scars you tried to hide)
Cutting seems to rectify the situation
you feel the sting
the sting releases pain
and you control the action….slowly                  (at least that’s how I did it)
it’s a balance, right?
It’s a voice
it’s a way to scream without saying a word

See?
Your behavior is not an accident.
It’s a symptom.

I was thinking about the things I missed because of my symptoms.
I never went to a school dance. I never went to a prom, and I never had a high school sweetheart

I have never been to a water park, or took a girl to a drive-in movie

I never went away for spring break, or passed my driver’s test, and the next day,
pulled into the parking lot of my high school and celebrate with my friends
Hell, I never even went to high school…..

At your age, I was in a controlled environment.
I missed the common rites of passage that comes with growing up
and being a kid.

There used to be a Little League parade that marched through the town and passed my house.
I marched in that parade when I was about seven, or maybe eight.
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I remember it well. We walked from Prospect, made a left onto East Meadow Avenue, then we made another left on Front Street, and finally, we made a right onto Merrick, and then we marched all the way to the baseball fields.
I must have blinked, because I missed something.

Time flashed, and the next thing I knew, I woke up in bed and the blood from my nose stained the pillow. I heard the sound of a marching band and kids cheering.
I assume I was your close to your age then.
But I must have blinked.
Like I said, time flashed, and my innocence was gone.
My hands were filthy from a crack pipe and there was vomit outside my bedroom window.
I barricaded the door so no one could get in and the heroin nod allowed me to wake long enough to realize where I was…
Outside, the Little League parade passed my house. Families from the town lined the streets to cheer for their kids.
That was me once.
I was in that parade too, but I must have blinked, and my innocence was gone

My suggestion to you is don’t blink, kid.
It ain’t worth it

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