1)
Whether I’m lost or not is irrelevant.
I’m here, aren’t I?
I’m at where I’m at and like it or not,
the surroundings are perfect
it just depends on how I look at them.
Like I said,
whether I know which way to go or not
doesn’t matter
I’m Continue reading
There was a bond I felt to the people I was “Away” with. Though it was brief, our interaction is something I will never forget. In fact, I use their memory to inspire my path. This way, I will never forget where I came from and I will never be who I was again.
After completing 28 days of treatment in an adult facility, I was immediately sent to another short-term center for another 42 days until the courts remanded me to long-term treatment.
This place was smaller with fewer patients than my previous experience. The kitchen was smaller and the bedrooms were small to medium sized. There property was on a main road, but the road ran through a quiet part of an Upstate town, so traffic was rare. There was little to see and few places to go. There was housing for bunks and the main house, which is where we spent most of our time.
I was unsure what to Continue reading
There are times when I need to listen to something soft. I need to find the right music and pipe it to my ears to clear my head. I take a deep breath and I exhale. Like now for example. As I write to you, I am listening to a soft instrumental. I began with something from Jimi Hendrix. I listened to Valleys of Neptune, to be exact.
I view music the way a connoisseur would view a fine wine. Some moods require a certain flavor. Tonight, would be a night for a deep red. I feel the need for something Continue reading
We sat with our backs against the fence in the rear corner of the field behind our elementary school. It was not long before that we went to this school. We were only a few years out, but the changes we made in that short amount of time was drastic
To create a better view, I think I should describe the area before moving further. The grass-covered field was long and very wide. It extended passed the cement Continue reading
I was reminded of a quote from Mark Twain this morning.
“Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.”
I watched some of my brightest heroes give in to gravity
and trade their bravery for a glimpse of something easy.
In the end, I was never sure who was hurt most by their downfall —
me or them?
I do not claim to be so wholesome
that I cannot understand man’s thirst for greed
or his hunger for lust.
I am neither innocent nor pure.
I am like anyone who has blushed in their life —
or needed to . . . Continue reading
I came to the realization that my ideas of perfection were absolutely imperfect.
This realization took years to reach. It took fallen relationships, and lost opportunities.
I found that throughout the course of my travels, my ideas of perfection were as imperfect as my flaws. What that means is I measured my ideas of perfection on the wrong scale. I had no idea that perfection, itself, was not flawless at all. Instead, perfection is the ability to be flawed, but yet, remain and continue.
I thought perfection was a combination of Continue reading
I am writing this to you because you are away from your homeland. I do not know where you are now. I cannot imagine where you were, what the air smelled like, or the pain you went through. I can only express my gratefulness.
Yesterday was one for the books. But since you were not with me, I will try to describe it to the best of my ability with hopes that you may feel the way I felt, smell the things I smelled, and saw the things I saw.
After several days of rainy weather, cold winds, and Continue reading
(held down)
she smiles sometimes to defy you
and to you
this is the worst kind of smile
because it’s like a criminal’s
which means you lost what you once stole.
am I right?
to you, her smile drops you to your knees
it rips into your heart like her sharp fingernails once did
when they tore into your back except,
those were the good old days
those were the days when she listened
and loved you Continue reading
When I came to the understanding that my lifestyle had become unmanageable and I was, in fact, powerless over this thing they call alcoholism and drug addiction, they sat me down in front of a small group of people. I have no doubts that I looked worse than most in that room.
I was strung out. My eyes had dark rings beneath them. They were glassy and sunken into my bony face. I was told my skin was a sickly shade of pale. I weighed less than 100lbs because eating was not high on my priorities—or more accurately, feeding myself was less important than feeding my addiction.
When I “Came in” as they say, I was sat in a group of people who were no different from me. I never knew any of them. I never saw anyone in that room before. I never even knew people like Continue reading
There is a part of my drive into Manhattan that comes when I reach the high slope on the expressway as I arrive at Long Island City. This is when I have a total view of the New York City skyline, and for that moment, I am reminded of when I was young. I am reminded of the feelings I had, which pulsed through my body.
I remember the first time I drove over the 59th Street Bridge by myself. I was on my way in to meet a girl. There was no one else in the car but me. There were no wild friends of mine, drinking in the back seat, thanking me for being the “Sober guy,” and grateful that I was always willing to Continue reading
The Written Addiction 