Insomnia Poetry

(held down)

she smiles sometimes to defy you 
and to you
this is the worst kind of smile
because it’s like a criminal’s
which means you lost what you once stole.

am I right?

to you, her smile drops you to your knees
it rips into your heart like her sharp fingernails once did
when they tore into your back except,
those were the good old days

those were the days when she listened
and loved you

now . . .
those days are gone

and all you do is curse the lies you told
to make her yours in the first place

but I was wondering —
do you think you’d still regret the things you did
if she never left?
or would the revelation of your lies
become clean somehow: 

the past could be the past
you would go on being you
and she could go on being the girl
you needed her to be
(held down)

I started thinking, When you said things like,
“I don’t know how much longer I can deal with her,”
what was the purpose?

I wondered about this
because now that the sheets lost her smell,
you can’t seem to lift your head from her pillow.
why is that?

now you see her beauty as a painful reminder.
I’m sure of it.
so whenever she smiles,
or whenever she smiles at someone else,
when she’s
with someone else,
you are reminded that she smiles without you,
and . . .
you’re also reminded of what you lost
or better yet,
you’re reminded of what you threw away
but mostly,
you’re reminded of the girl you held down
and how she is free

and that’s what stings,
am I right?

the aftermath of her empty shelves,
her drawers,
and her empty side of the closet
are all cold reminders of your own crazy sabotage

but I bet those reminders are not half as cold
as her empty side of the bed.

am I right?


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