I am standing here in the Karma and Dharma of my own understanding. Karma being the result of action and Dharma is the truth in our mortality. I am thinking about the outcomes of my actions and the ability of my own sincere intensity. I am thinking about the great surge we feel when we live out loud or as we choose and of course, I am considering the polar opposite, like say, when we live dependently on one thing or another.
Standing with my arms leaning on a half-wall made of yellow brick with a gray stone across the top. I’ve retreated to the roof and leaning forward; I stare at the tall city buildings ahead of me. This is New York City from a different point of view. I stand and watch the East River move towards the acceptance of the sea behind tall structures that reach up like concrete fingers and point to the sky. I stand here and inhale the essence of this moment. I breathe in as deeply as possible to inhale the visceral feel of life as it pertains to me. I stand here and watch the world as it moves beneath me on Lexington Avenue in winter.
Although cold, I find this place easy enough. I see the rooftop and places like this as an escape from the madmen in mad dashes. I find this is a place of reprieve and a moment away from the hysteria of those who are mad for no other reason or mad to feel sane (even if they are not sane) and I come here to feel “As if,” and calm myself instead of trying to coexist and mingle to feel comfortable in the diatribe of uncomfortable misfits, —when in fact, I fit in just fine, and in all certainty . . . I am not misfitted at all
Sometimes there are too many around and too many people intruding. While not always friendly or honest and kind, many live happily in their “Me first” mindset, which is why I’ve taken the liberty of stepping away and exchanging thought with action until my thought process dwindles into something unobjectionable.
I come here to realize there is only one truth. Anything else is either interpretation or opinion; therefore, if I take this into consideration, I realize that someone else’s truth might not belong to me. Someone else’s actions, thoughts, or opinions have nothing to do with me and even if they did, —how will this really affect me?
I go back to that saying of mine which to me is something that opens my eyes:
In most cases, there are no victims in life. There are only volunteers. With that being said, I remind myself not to volunteer for problems. I don’t have to be a victim or feel victimized, nor do I have to paralyze my progress just because my course of action interferes with someone else’s agenda.
By saying this, I remind myself not to volunteer for misguided concerns or misdirected emotions. Moving forward, I find myself aware of my own ability to remain free from outside interference, which means I have come to the realization that I am always the square root to my own equation
And here, up high, I am alone with my thoughts. I say that I am alone but I am not lonely as supposed by others who see my separation as isolation. No, I am not isolated.
No, I am only separated for a temporary moment because being alone is not the same thing as loneliness. And I know this is so because my loneliness is only lonely when I place my faith and time in the whereabouts and the wherefores of others. However, as I see it, my separation is more a sacramental time of solitude and not sense of isolation.
Put simply . . .
Sometimes you just need to get away and remove yourself for a minute.
Rather than react or speak out of turn and instead of over thinking, instead misunderstanding or giving in to my own misconception and misinterpretations, and rather than allow emotion to dictate behavior over the better judgement of intellect, I made a clear decision that in order for me to find my way and achieve the life I strive for; I need to find some way to connect with my own level of consciousness.
Rather than give in or quit what I’m doing under false pretenses and instead of act on assumptions based on emotions and rather than allow my cognitive thought to misdirect me into imaginary arguments or prepare for battles that don’t even exist; I made a decision to remove myself at some point throughout the day.
There is an external word, which I seek to find internally.
That word is empowerment.
To empower myself, to commit, to enable and enforce with authority, to realize self-worth, to rid myself of all my inaccurate envy and to recognize the difference between thought, feeling, opinion and fact, to enable myself to improve, and lastly, to qualify, commission, and license myself to grow on a daily basis; I have to create and replace thought with action so that I do not feel hinged or consigned to anyone else’s life, worth, or opinion.
Instead of looking outward at the world around me, I need to find someplace (like up here on the 31st floor setback above Lexington Avenue) to give myself the permission to allow a moment of postponement.
Sure enough, tomorrow’s struggle will be there tomorrow. Yesterday’s problems live in yesterday’s world, but here and now, I am breathing deeply, in and out, and I am not hinged, connected, or dependent upon anyone else but me.
The ability of meditation is very real to me. I’ve heard others laugh at this. I’ve heard others say meditation is nonsense and how it doesn’t work. But then I ask have you ever tried it? I ask have you ever tired it, wholeheartedly, with the intention of letting go.
That’s the whole point. What’s the sense of praying for something to happen if you’re not going to take action to make it so? (Look at James 2:22 when it says “His faith was made of actions.”) What’s the sense of meditation; I mean, why meditate if all I do is hold the things that weigh me down? Whats the sense in hoping for a change if I won’t make any changes myself. At some point, I have to make my own adjustments in life. otherwise, i’ll have to settle for the life I have instead of the life I want.
I need this “Letting go” moment.
But it won’t work if I don’t follow through with the plan.
After all, how can I find an internal source of empowerment if I don’t authorize myself to look for it?