I always saw love as strange and unexplainable. And it is strange and unexplainable. I never quite understood why people act or react the way they do when love is involved —especially when love defies all logic because it was always interesting to me the way love (in some cases) can dissolve all the faults in the world and make you forget even the deepest of things.
And love, I always wondered if true love was only limited to a selected few. I wondered what the key ingredients were, and of course, I wondered if whatever the key ingredients are; I wondered if I had them.
Is love a need like the air we breathe and the food we eat? And I know there are different versions of this. There are all types of love. There is the love I have for music. I know that’s love. There is the love I have for an old black and white movie, which I watch on occasion, because the sentiment from this film was a lifesaving to me. Plus, I am a fan of Spencer Tracy and the way he portrayed Father Flanagan in the movie Boys Town (September 9, 1938)
I have a love for the sunrise and sunsets because these link to visions of rescuing moments that detail that map of my life. For example, I clearly remember the view of a sunrise from a small holding cell back in 1989 and how I could only see a glimpse of this from the cracked-opened jailhouse window at ceiling height.
I recall how everything around me was re-manufactured —even the air I breathed was synthetic, or so it seemed, and the lights overhead hummed in this dreary sound of electrified captivity. And as well, the last thing I said to someone before the cuffs wrapped around my wrists, or should I say the last thing I stupidly said to prove myself and save face repeated in my ears like a terrible echo and contributed to my own mentally imprisoned torture. But yet, somehow, I knew there was hope for me. I knew this meant something would be different from now on. I remember this sunrise and can see this in my mind as clear as the words I place on this page. This is where life was about to start.
Similarly, but for different reasons, I remember an unforgettable sunset in the backyard of the first home I was able to consider my own. I worked for this place. There were many like this house, but this one was mine. And I stood on the rear porch of my home in my backyard after surviving a financial downfall. My family was inside and I was proud. I was not beaten and I had not lost all that I thought I had. On that day, this was the kind of sunset that movies describe. And countless authors have written about sunsets like this as well. The entire sky was orange and the wind was calm. And to me, I reminisced about the “Stay gold,” saying from another movie I watch on occasion, The Outsiders (March 25, 1985)
I know love is real. I know it lives in my heart and I’m not always sure why it remains, but it does.
I love my dogs. I love my home. I love my family too. But you and the love I have for you is unlike anything. And again, I go back to my opinion of love defying logic. Love defies all, even physical pain or sickness. And I know this is true. I know this in my heart. I know I need this the same way I need air, water, and food because in times of pain, it was the touch of your hand that cured me.
Love is this enormous, untouchable, and unexplainable thing. It creates beauty and yet love even defies beauty as well because love is not all about the common pleasantries or all the goodness; no, love is this constant dependable magic.
And just like the sunrise, love is there. Same as the sunset, love is still there. And at midnight when the full moon trickles through the window and the cool bluish light touches blankest on the bed and reaches up to trace your silhouette as your face presses into pillow; love is this beating sensation in my heart that explains how life coincides somehow and I was meant for you.
I once wrote:
Take this from me, please. This is all that I have, and it’s yours
(If you’ll have it)
And be happy with me. Stay with me. Live with me until the last candle fades.
Stay and love me and when the sun goes down, lay next to me so that when the sun comes back, you will be the first thing I see when I wake in the morning.
Have me. Keep me with you. Keep me in your heart and let me keep your smile. No really, it’s an honest trade. Take me because this is all that I have and I want to go it to you. All of it.
Think about this if you have to but know this before you do:
Know that I hear your voice in my mind when it’s quiet and when you’re not with me, I dream of your body against mine as we lay together in the dark at night. Know that I see you in my thoughts and I drew you in my dreams long before we ever met. The truth is, I’ve always loved you. So be happy with me please and I will give you all that I have
. . . if you’ll have me, that is
It is sunrise and the world has another chance to right itself. As for us, well, we will have another chance to do those things we that keep us warm.