There is a time when it all comes down to this,
the moment, the surreal feeling and the numbing pause
that comes with the harshness of reality.
There is a time when the moment comes
and we are aware, we are faced with the truth,
and although we tried, although we hoped,
there is no more pretending.
There is no more room for denial.
Life is summed up in the word, “Short,”
but this word is sentenced differently
between you and me, man and woman,
adult and child alike.
When the truthfulness hits,
the world stops in our hearts;
only, nothing stops moving around us,
which is unfair because when we are in mourning
or at a state of unrest,
there is nothing so cruel as the rest of the world
because all else just seems to go on and continue
and it all just keeps going
meanwhile, we weep.
There is no sense to this.
Neither words nor reason
will make sense at a moment like this.
The sting of loss is like a cold sharp razor,
sliced through the main artery of our heart
to make us bleed out in a figurative sense,
brokenhearted, grieving and mournful
because a piece of us died,
and yet, here it is, life on life’s terms
and we’re still supposed to live.
There is no such thing as preparation.
Not for a moment like this.
There is no preparation
for the unexpectedness of an untimely end.
Even if we expect the end, or even if we welcome the end;
even if the twilight is upon the horizon
and life of our loved one is about to close as we know it,
as prepared as we are,
we often find we are still unprepared.
Life is life.
From the beginning to end, we live, we endure,
we survive and we love.
We hurt and we laugh. We cry and we mourn. I
n the morning we rise and at nightfall
How are we supposed to live in the face of our tragedy?
How do we survive our catastrophes?
How do we withstand, continue,
and live now that life is changed
or forever altered?
I do not always accept the motto that this too shall pass.
However, I do know that life is still life.
I know that although a piece of me is gone;
I still remain.
Therefore, I have to honor what lives.
I have to honor what remains.
Therefore I choose to honor my memory.
I honor my love
and I honor the love that was shown to me.
Therefore I choose to live
because no loved one would want me any other way
I know that the sadness in my heart
and the mournful thoughts of my loved ones passed
are subjects that will remain with me.
To honor them, however,
I choose to live because I know, deep down,
this is what they would want me to do.
I cannot die while still alive.
No one I love and no one that loved me
wants to see me live this way.
I cannot give in or quit
or allow myself to swivel downwards
and stay below surface.
Instead, I have to rise.
I have to rise above, produce and perform;
else I will fall
I will become victim to the undertow of the tides
and be washed away into the seas of my sadness.
I do not want to be alone
nor do I want to miss anyone so much
that this literally hurts.
But life is life
and I still have to perform.
I do not want to lose me for another day.
I do not want to waste another moment.
I do not want to give in to sadness.
I do not want to feel grief or depression.
I do not want this cloud to hover.
I do not want my mind to me stolen
or lose to the distractions
of my irrational thinking.
Life is still here.
More accurately, I am still here
So then it really comes down to one question
And the question is . . .
What am I going to do about it?
I have my answer.
PS: I saw a few butterflies the other day. Saw a few cardinals as well. I was faced with irrational thinking and thought about quitting. But no. I have some things I need to do today. And I will do it too because I know this is what I have to do. Also, I know this is what you would want me to do.
I will close for now. I will end this touch of honesty with real emotion, rather than pretend or be fake or say the right thing, which I see as something people commonly do.
I don’t want to be common though.
I just want to live. And deep down, I know you want this for me to