This is what happens inside the head . . .
. . . you think too much
You feel too much
You feel everything, in fact, but you can’t shut this off because it won’t shut off.
Everything weighs in.
Something is about to go wrong because something always goes wrong.
Know what I mean?
You expect the bottom to fall out.
The impending doom is always there, whispering, telling you what’s on the way.
No one knows. No one gets it.
How could they?
But you try.
You have to . . .
You put on your best face and you pretend. And you’d love to have some help. But you can’t ask for help. Besides, you’re not sure how. Is there really help? Is help even possible?
Or is that a lie too?
And then you drop the subtle (but not so subtle hints) and you say things, but this almost seems like no one notices or understands, which only isolates you more..
Maybe no one does care.
Maybe this is all stupid.
“Maybe I’m just stupid,” you tell yourself, and there it goes; the inner monologue and the internal narrative that you speak with and unravel into a conversation that takes every situation to the worst place possible.
They tell us, “Don’t play the movie out in your head,” and they this because those tragedies never end well.
. . . But it’s true . . .
You feel alone
You think you’re alone
You could be in a crowd of people, all of us smiling, and yet something still feels so goddamned hollow, like life is this temporary game because meanwhile, you know the laugh will be over soon enough and when it is, everything goes back to the full gray appeal of purgatory and depression.
I read some interesting facts about depression this morning.
Are you ready for this?
Did you know the economic impact of mental illness? This makes up for $210.5 billion of lost earnings. Depression is the leading cause of disability in the United States among people through the ages of 15-44 and ranks as the top three workplace issues in America.
Know what this means?
This means obviously, no one that feels this way is ever alone. It only seems this way because the mind is a tricky place
Understand that memory is not always honest or fact. Perception is not truth. Opinion is not always accurate and neither are assumptions. We just think they are.
Understand that emotional thought tends to get in the way of strategic ability. This is what keeps us from being our best.
But imagine this
A pretty morning and nothing is heavy. Nothing is weighing upon you. You walk outside and there is no fear or feeling of doom. Nothing is about to sneak up on you. No unexpected surprises. No worries. No one is mad and there are no predicaments to face.
You can actually “Be”
Imagine stepping outside and closing the door behind you. The anxiety machine is shut off. The panic is gone. All that was draining has stopped.
I always tell people my comparisons when it comes to mental illnesses. I tell people about the emotional quicksand. I explain what it feels like to lose to life the same way water loses to a drain; it’s like you’re caught in the spiral and there’s no way to keep from feeling sucked down and washed away.
I tell people about our self-destructive response disorders and how our compulsive behaviors to feel better are only a symptom of a much deeper issue.
Imagine if this was to clear up
What an amazing life this could be
This is what I work towards and this is how I want to help