Safe to say, at some point, I had to realize my memories has often lied to me. At some point, I realized my opinions, predictions, and fears that churn my worries and anxiety are based on the inaccuracies of my perception.
At times, my memory has been persuaded like a gullible child, afraid of being let down, or bullied, or hurt, which is why, over the years and based on these concerns; I have built my mechanisms of self-defense. —which, essentially, this means I am still trying to defend myself from the shame I felt from something that happened, like, say, that time a kid named Garret beat me up on the playground in 2nd Grade.
Socrates was right.
The mind is the dilemma. I agree because my mind has stored countless hours of miscalculated evidence, which was never real, but more like ideas of consequential things that may or may not have added up as accurate and built my personal safety system that kept me fenced in.
Safe to say, at some point, I have to forgive the memories of my past. Safe to say, I’ll never be in 2nd Grade again.
I don’t have to defend myself the same way. I’m not looking in my place in the sandbox anymore not am I trying to prove myself. I don’t have the same needs to “Fit in,” anymore, so it’s okay to move on and improve.
At times, I find myself blaming me for things which happened to me that was beyond my control. At times, for some reason, I decided to wear the blame and take on the sins that were not my fault. I had to build a wall around this to keep others from getting through. Otherwise, old feelings might come back to haunt me.
Again like that gullible child; I am afraid of feeling humiliated. I am afraid of public shame. I am afraid to be hurt and yes, like Socrates said, my mind is the dilemma—which is especially so if I am operating and still defending me from old wars and old wounds that no longer exist.
The scars have faded now but the memory of them run deeply.
(Do you understand what I mean when i say this?)
Safe to say that at some point, in order for me to move forward; I have to realize none of this is real anymore—I’m not even sure if this was real back then.
I only know that I felt too much; I was scared too much and hurt too much. I know where these memories are stored, which I used like arrows to shoot down the clouds of my dreams because I was too afraid to feel shame again.
Safe to say, I tried to protect myself from inaccurate thinking; that yes, bullying is terrible; however, the worst bully I ever encountered was the bully in my head.
Garret in the 2nd Grade was a close second though . . .
I saw something I wrote in one of my journals. I know what this means to me. I know why I wrote this, which I was able to feel when I found this thought of mine. It went:
Rain falls and settles the dust from my everyday life
I see this as a natural way of cleansing.
I see this as Mother Nature’s way of nurturing us and hushing the earth with a quiet lullaby
Like now, gray clouds cover my town like a blanket. The streets are quiet and I can think of nothing better than staying in to ordering Chinese food and watch an old black and white movie, like maybe “Captains Courageous” with Spencer Tracy.
There are times when, to keep me safe, I enjoy the idea of disconnecting from the world—to take the phone of the hook, so to speak, although, come to think of it, nobody uses phones that hang up on a hook anymore.
I don’t mind the rain. Some of my best walks happened in the rain. One of my first best walks was to a record store, which is another thing that is outdated (just like home phones)
I walked from my home, across town to buy my first cassette tape for my Walkman—see there? I think I just dated myself again.
Sometimes the rain comes, which to me is more than nature being nature. No, sometimes, I swear the sky weeps in unison with me, like rain at a funeral, like Mother making a cup of warm milk so the child in me can sleep.
We have to breathe . . .
Breathe because breathing is the one thing no one can stop us from doing. I say breathe deeply because our breath is our proof. This proves we exist.
Our breath is proof that no matter what anyone says or does and no matter if someone tries to impose, beat, or stop us, we never quit and we never gave in.
No matter what is said or done, just breathe because our breath is the one thing that no one can steal from us
(unless we let them.)
And when or if the walls close in or the voices in our head tell us “Everyone is in on it,” and when the tiny insecure whispers suggest, “The joke is on us,” or when our thoughts betray us; when the worry we feel leaves us angry (or more accurately, hurt) and the outrage and fear keeps us loveless, and last but not least, if we feel as if we could express ourselves best with hurtful words, we have to breathe before we do anything else. Otherwise, we might say something now that we’ll have to apologize for later.
We have to breathe because breathing gives us a minute to decipher between truth and the lies that ramble in our head. We have to breathe and provide a distraction before following old truths down the wrong rabbit hole and fighting wars that aren’t even real.
Breathe because breathing gives us a second to make an honest assessment of an incident (or an accident,) and given the minute, we come to realize the problem is not as crucial as we think.
Breathe before we speak. Breathe before we blow up and destroy everything we’ve hoped for. (There goes that gullible child again: Too afraid to let go. Too afraid that past pain will arise and repeat. Too needy. Too Hurt. Too young to understand that it only rains for a shirt while and that soon enough, we can go outside again—to play.)
Believe me, we know all about this.
Before we speak
Breathe before we do anything
Breathe before we give ourselves to regret.
Before we do anything, we have to breathe.
Breathe so our thoughts can stop for a second and so we won’t overreact. Breathe in because if we don’t . . . next thing we know, we might erupt. We might explode and take something too far.
We have to breathe because sometimes we say too much and all the apologies we say afterwards can never salvage the damage of the things we said to protect us.
So we should breathe because believe me
It beats the consequences . . .
Safe to say, feelings are feelings and thoughts are thoughts. Emotion and fact is not always the same thing. Neither are recollections and truth, nor even perception and truth are the same thing.
Everyone has something
Everyone is recovering from something
Everyone has pain
Everyone has memory
Everyone has their own child inside and their own dilemma\
The trick is not to take this personally nor impose us upon anyone else. I know what life looks like to me. I know what I like, I know what hurts me.
I know you are you and I am me and if we are to be together or at minimum, just to coexist or coincide in this crazy world, perhaps it would be best if we laid down our methods of mass destruction, to keep us from the self-destructive war in our minds and keep us from the damage we do to the people that we love most