The worst feeling is the feeling of powerlessness. This is the hopeless feeling that comes over us when we see our friends and our loved ones undergo something traumatic.
The worst part is no matter how hard we try, the truth is there are no right words to say. There is nothing anyone can do that will change the facts or soften the blow of something painful. All we can do is allow our friends and loved one’s to have their right to feel.
I sat with a young man the other day and discussed the loss of his brother. In times like this, as friends, we automatically want to find the right words to say.
But the truth is there are no right words. There is no more right or wrong. Nothing I can do or say will alter or change the loss.
First and foremost, this conversation was not about me. This was about a young friend of mine and his amazing ability to love, persevere, and honor his brother to the best of his ability.
There are times in life when we face unfortunate events. And be advised, these times will come for us all. I am aware of this.
I am aware of the fear of loss as well as the feeling of loss; therefore, since I am aware of this for myself, I understand that everyone has their right to feel this way too.
Everyone processes life in their own way. We are not all the same; only similar, and the truth is when you’re in the middle of the pain, it is really hard to think or see clearly.
In these times, many of us hold this pain very personally. This pain is a representation of us and our love. Our pain is a statement. This is how we feel —taking this away from anyone is almost like a threat. This is no different from trying to take away our love for what we’ve lost.
There is a natural and normal fear of loss. No one wants to lose —we only want to acquire. This is normal. Nobody wants to hurt or have fear but either way, life happens, and so will pain and fear.
However, when it comes to grief or heartbreak —nobody really wants this but nevertheless, everyone has their right to process their emotions in whichever way they choose. Trying to change this for someone will only confuse, hurt, frustrate, or anger them.
Of all things I have learned, I have learned in the worst times, the best thing to do is show support by being there. The best means of support is not trying to solve the problems of someone else but to simply standby and say, “I’m here if you need me.”
And to be honest, sometimes, the most generous gift you can ever give someone is your time —not your opinion, not your solutions, or theories. Just be there. (By the way, I love that you’re there for me! Just so you know)
Life comes with grief. This is not limited to grieving the loss of a loved one. Grief comes from other directions too, like the loss of a job, the loss of a girlfriend, an opportunity, or otherwise.
Of all thing I’ve noticed; I’ve noticed people appreciate when they are acknowledged. People appreciate when they are free to feel as they feel. And I go back to the truest and yet funniest and most accurate saying of all times:
“Never in the history of calming down has anybody ever calmed down by being told to calm down.”
See, the truth is I am like you. I am like anyone else in the world. I feel. I hurt. I live and I love.
I also have the desire to help and to nurture. I want to be helpful; therefore, if I am to be helpful then I must be mindful that everyone has their own way of feeling. Therefore, it would be unhelpful of me to impose my sentiment or the uneasiness I feel when or if I cannot help or “Fix” the situation at hand.
I have news. There is no fix.
A broken heart is a broken heart. Loss is loss and pain is pain. In cases like this, the only thing I can really do for my friends or loved ones is say, “I’m here and I love you.”
This alone alleviates the pressure of “Having” to talk about something or “Having” to feel better.
And additionally, because of this understanding, this allows our loved ones and friends the freedom to feel, but also, to feel welcome and comfortable to speak when they need to without pressure.
Understand something. Sometimes there are no right words to say.
Allowing this to be okay is the best thing we can do for others.
To understand, accept, to listen, and to love; can anyone ask for a better support than that?
I really don’t think so.