I was a guest on a local radio show last night. The show is called “The Connection Hour,” on WFDU, 89.1fm.
I love the host, a man by the name of Anthony Greene. I love the name of the show because everything we have, everything we do and think, and everything we are to one another is based upon a connection to an idea, thought, feeling, or a need.
The way we think and our trained beliefs are based upon past lessons, which we know and we intellectually understand.
We understand why we think or act the way we do. Emotionally, however, we often fail to recognize this. We give in to emotional thinking. We give in to fears and anxieties. We give in to our concerns and or insecurities and act on their behalf. Meanwhile, we don’t want to. And oftentimes, we don’t even mean to but our behavior almost seems involuntary.
We have connections to old experiences and old memories, which cause us to define our subconscious programs that we live by and we stick by because of the patterns of our beliefs.
Everything we do is based upon a mathematical equation.
We add our opinions to expectations, which equal an outcome of our predictions. None of this means we are right or wrong. This just means we multiply ideas in our head and come up with answers that are rarely accurate.
However, most of our math is based on unknown numbers. A lot of our math are like the trick problems we used to get in math class, back when we were kids.
For example, if the insecurity train crossed tracks at Jealousy Junction at 108 mph and hit the interaction at the corner of Fear and Anger, how many people would be injured by the wrath of miscalculations at approximately 10:15am on a Saturday morning?
No wonder people are stressed all the time.
Our brain is no different than an overworked calculator, always trying to figure the different math of things which are either pertinent or inaccurate; always looking too deeply into the simplest things, which is where the dilemma comes in.
This is where insecurity comes in to sour the math. This is where misconceptions trigger biased ideas and fears that lead us to our misguided opinions.
This is where the brain either overestimates or underestimates the factors in our life. Meanwhile, most of our math is trying to find the unknown values of X, Y, or Z.
All of this is based on our connections of thought. All of this is based upon a connection to our memories and personal prejudice because these are the things that alters our perception.
We tend to complicate our life by overthinking. Meanwhile, all anyone wants is peace.
We all want balance and a sense of spiritual comfortability, which is when all facets of our life are equal and not consumed by biased predictions.
To put this simply, whichever fears we have; whether the fears are basic or deep; whether the fears are based upon acceptance, or fear of rejection, or personal or internal rejection (because all rejection is personal and internal) or if we have the ultimate fear, which is to be alone, to be disregarded, unloved and unwanted, or worse, to be persecuted for being the most vulnerable version of us; we base our math and our predictions on the connections we have to these fears.
No wonder why we have our “Moments.”
This causes us to overreact. This causes us to react to situations that haven’t even happened yet. This causes us to lash out at the ones that we love the most; meanwhile, we never want to hurt our loved ones, but to be honest; it’s hard not to hurt anyone when you feel hurt yourself.
One thing I learned is the people that really understand me will understand that sometimes my pain speaks for me, which is not to say that I mean what I say. No, this just means that I hurt sometimes and sometimes I say things out of fear or pain.
The thing about pain is it’s pretty goddamn painful. I know this, which is why I tell you this in no unspoken terms: If I love you then know that I love you.
I make mistakes too. I do the wrong thing and I say the wrong thing. But none of this is intentional. I’m only human, which makes me no different from any other bozo on the bus (figuratively speaking).
I think of the rawness I feel sometimes when the ends of my heart are loose, like open nerves, and even the air hurts. It is tough to say the right things when I feel this way. It is even tougher to say the right thing when a loved one feels this way. In fact, there is nothing more helpless than seeing a loved one feel pain and knowing there is nothing you can do about it.
I suppose in cases like this, the only right thing to do is to be consistent and persistent. And I may not say or do the right thing, but at least I love you consistently and persistently.
Hopefully this is enough to see you through because deep down, through it all, just know that I love you.
And I always will.
Not to self:
Overthinking does not help. Put down the bat. Beating yourself up will never help you be any better; just more critical of everything around you.
Thankfully though, the right people will come along and try to make you smile
. . .because they love you