To Find Freedom

There is a reason behind everything we do. And I am sure of this. There is a science to us all and a pathology to our behavior that stems from an idea, a thought, a feeling, or a need to settle a discomfort.

We all have this. We all look for comfort. We want to feel better. We want to fit in. We want to be accepted, wanted, desired, and moreover, we all want to be soothed, consoled, and reassured. This is primal by the way. This is the piece of us looking for the warmth of the womb or the swaddle in the blanket.

There are stages in life which we all go through. We grow. We live and we learn. We apply ourselves in different ways until we find our place. This is where the science behind our behavior comes in.

One of my best resources of understanding behavior comes from when I apply the above truth to my life, which to me is a source of growth. I am confident enough about me to realize there is no accomplishment like the humbling  ideas of who I was and the person I am now. I believe this is called growth.

There is nothing wrong with being raw or honest. The truth is I have been different people over the years. I have been the troublemaker. I have applied to different genres of life and subscribed to different cultures.
I have been part of different crowds and tried different personalities. All of this was done with the intention of finding myself. I have always wanted to find my place in the circle or be”Someone,” so-to-speak. I tried to fit in with different people, only to find myself as uncomfortable because the fit was forced and not natural. I have been both the story-teller and liar to make myself look “Cool,” only to wonder why I’d say the things I said or behave the way I would. (I believe they call this insecurity)

The truth is there was and is a science behind everything we do. There was a reason behind all of my attempts for attention. There is a reason for everything and mainly, the reason is comfort. Although some behaviors lead to uncomfortable times and although some comforts come from desperate and uncomfortable measures; the need still comes from the same direction.

There is a need to be, think, and feel. There is a need to be wanted and desired. There is a need to be accepted and believe we are “Enough,” however, there are natural doubts and there are normal fears and general insecurities that lead us back to the ideas of rejection. And rejection is a bitch.

Socrates once wrote, “Strong minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events, weak minds discuss people.” I can say with all humility that I have been all the above. At all stations, whether I was strong, average, or weak; the ideas were based on my ideas of comfort in relation to the distance I felt between acceptance and rejection.

Aside from a bitch, rejection is also a liar. Rejection leads to false perceptions of self. Rejection is the root of all images and masks we try to hide behind. 

I used to believe in many things but none of which were helpful. In fact, nothing was helpful until the day I realized one important fact: I can believe in everything and this would still mean nothing until  I learned to believe in me.

There was a life coach I met in the beginning of my journey into the mental health field. He explained something that I will never forget. “Everything we do is done to honor an idea, a thought, a need, or a feeling.” This is the simple way to understand the science behind our behavior.

Although drinking or drug abuse is harmful, the reason stems back to honor a need for comfort. The point is we are all looking for a sense of balance. We are all trying to balance the scales of life and sometimes, we use outside sources to find this balance.

There is no good or bad or positive or negative. There is only an action that we choose, regardless to how this may seem, appear, or degrade others and ourselves. The means is to soothe the itch we cannot scratch. 

I have been asked my opinion about cutting, which is a sad thing to see. Nevertheless, there is a science behind this too. Strangely, there is an understandable comfort behind the pain. Self-harm comes in many different forms.

The reason for this behavior stems from an inner science. This is why we behave. We are either acting on behalf or acting in regard to the ideas of comfort (or the lack thereof). Physical pain makes sense. This is understandable. This comes with a physical detail that we can see. Emotional pain does not always come with the same understanding, which is why people manifest their pain through physical behavior.

I know what it feels like to have a tortured mind and literally overthink everything. Furthermore, I knew what happened to me when I would allow this to move too fast. Eventually, if I gave too much to these ideas, my behavior would reflect my thinking. This is where my mood swings came into play. This is part of my depression. This is part of my irrational mind that always gave into irrational fear.

I have been asked my opinion on the gateway drug. And I talk about this often. I do not subscribe to the idea that marijuana is the gateway nor do I pin this upon alcohol. Instead, I go back much further. I bring this back to aspirin and even further back to baby aspirin. What is this called? It’s a pain reliever, right?
Put those words together. Pain- reliever.
Isn’t that what we look for in a drug? Isn’t pain the thing we try to avoid most?

I think about the way Mom used to take the baby aspirin and break this up in a teaspoon with water so I could swallow it. This is supposed to “Make it all better.” But even further, I take the gateway back to when I was an infant and before I had language. I take this back to the age of pacifiers because what does a pacify do? They pacify, right?

Think about a baby crying. Think about the use of a pacifier. The baby lacks the ability to communicate. All a parent can do is guess. Is the child tired? Does the child have a stomach ache? Is the child hungry? Not sure?
Okay, then we put a pacifier in the baby’s mouth to create a sense of comfort to stop the child from crying. Either way, we have been trained since birth to use a pacifier, which is an outside source to soothe an internal need or discomfort.

 Since birth, we have been trying to pacify ideas, wants, thoughts, needs, and feelings. What is a gateway drug? It’s an introductory, isn’t it?
The truth is we’ve been introduced since birth.

I am of the opinion that personal  recovery (in any sense of the word) is to find a sense of balance without using an outside source to pacify our discomfort.

Mindfulness, action, understanding, and personal awareness have been the most helpful to me because mindfulness has shown me the deception of my misperceptions. I have learned that by being aware of my sources of emotion and thought; I was able to improve my level of personal consciousness and then find myself at a better level of understanding.
This is the trinity of personal comfort; to be aware, conscious, and to understand enough about me to know that rejection is not even real. Rejection is just a fear. And the truth is when it comes to me being me, there’s nothing to prove and nothing to be afraid of because this is recovery. Above all, this is freedom.

2 thoughts on “To Find Freedom

  1. Pingback: Gratitude, protection and care : morning reflections – Emerging From The Dark Night

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