A Note About Divorce

Now, be mindful, I am not speaking for everyone. I am not saying I am right or wrong. This is a note from experience. And mine might be different from yours but either way, here it goes . . .

There are things that go into a relationship that makes them work. Then again, and adversely, there are things that go into a relationship that make them fall apart. There are some relationships that were built to last and others that were built, but yet, they were simply not meant to survive. Hence, we split. Hence, we break up, we divorce and we go to the courts. Hence, the anger and hence the low blows and the anguish, the pain and the regret. 

Not all things that are inevitable to end are things that will end well. Not all things end poorly. Life is relative and so is divorce. Some people work through it and others, well, the answer is not so much.
Then again, not everything that begins is begun with the chemistry it takes to withstand the storms that come with everyday life. Hence, we split. Hence, we divorce. And hence, we look around and we wonder how things got this way.

There are people that marry for the right reasons and people that marry for the wrong ones. There are those that believe in marriage because of the training they’ve been raised with.
We are taught and trained that this is life: You are born, you grow, you learn, go to school, finish school, graduate, meet someone and then you get married and have children.

We are taught about the normal and usual blueprint, which we try to conform to when building a life. We try to adhere to this in the sense that this is what we have been prepared and trained for. We offer ourselves to someone and then in return, we are not met equally or in many cases, what we get isn’t what we want.

We are told about this thing called love. We are told about fairytale romance stories, which are certainly real for some people. To most, this is few and far, in-between.
Love is not universal, one-size-fits-all thing. Love is love, but yet, love can be evasive. Love can be taught or learned. Then again, we don’t always have the best teachers in life. Not everyone learns how to love openly or honestly.
Then there is the fear of not being the norm. There is the fear of not being suitable or datable. There is often the concern that love itself might not be real or if at minimum, love might not be in the cards, which is why people subject themselves to lower their standards. This is why people accept, negotiate or compromise their dreams, wants, or fantasies, just to get the package we have been trained (or fooled) to believe in. This is the blueprint of life and this is the way we are supposed to live. Right?

In many cases, we split. The rate of divorce is higher than 50%, which means we hardly have a 50/50 shot. The odds are against us, but yet, why is this?

In part, there is a personal dishonesty. Partly because people do not want to be alone or miss out on the blueprint, which we thought we were supposed to conform to; and partly because of insecurity and self-doubt; partly because the concerns from our secrets or the worries that “No one else will love me or stay with me” and partly because people have not truly grasped whether they understand love beyond the concept of love; in many cases, we pair up for reasons of convenience or circumstances. These are incidents and situations that have corralled us together with someone for a moment in time.
In many cases, we saw warning signs and we knew there were worries and troubles that would be problematic, but yet, we wanted to walk the line instead of failing or being alone.
We wanted to find our blueprint, which we have been shown and taught since birth. We have been sold a dream about marriage; to have and to hold, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

And sometimes we settle. Sometimes we walk the line and we hope for the best but we forget that somewhere along the line, we had dreams.
We had expectations. We had wants and desires. We had opportunities that we walked away from and when the chances to leave or exit the main stage came up, what did we do? We stayed and we settled. And therefore, we get pissed because we never get what we wanted. And why? Because we accepted the trade. That’s why!

We surrendered our direction and the true inner-desires to reach our best form of happiness. We settled down. We figured that we’d make it up as we go along. We played it from the hip; and even if we planned to revisit some of our old goals, a new life took on a new direction, in which case, our old self was disappearing; as were our old goals and our old, favorite dreams to reach the life we always wanted.

Thus, we resented our new life. Thus we resented the reasons we walked away from the things we wished we’d never left or given up on. Thus we resent each other. And thus, we start to show our resentments because we gave up on us “For them!” and what did we get in return?

We thought we could somehow mold and shape our new lives to adhere to this blueprint called marriage but our personal blueprint was not a match.

But what if the blueprint is wrong? What if the life we were told we are supposed to have is not the right fit? What if we were following the wrong plans and as a result, we chose the wrong person? And what does this lead to?

This leads to divorce or misery. This leads towards ugliness. This leads to the surfacing of old regrets and old resentments but in the depth of our resentments, in all fairness; the true resentment comes from within. And why is this? This is because we are most angry at us because it was us that betrayed us first before anyone else. 

I cannot say this is the reason for everyone. I cannot say this is why most marriages fail but I can say that there are plans we follow that might not belong to us.
There are times when we invest poorly. And rather than address the changes that need to be made immediately, we invest more and more and sink deeper and deeper.
This leads to ideas of rejection and hurt and shame. And then what? We sort of implode and find ourselves devastated because we gave ourselves to someone and in the betrayal, there is an understanding that we are part of this; that we volunteered for this and that we forfeited our life and opportunities for something that didn’t work. We have a part of this and sharing this is not something most people want to face.

I have spoken with people that have split from marriages and long-term relationships. I have spoken with single dads and moms and talked about the ugliness and bitterness of divorce. I have talked with people about the deceitfulness, the disloyalty, the infidelity on either side, and the abuse of either verbal, emotional or the physical kind, which people stay with to avoid the ugly battles of separation or failures, which came anyway. 

I learned about this through my own path of life. I was one that forfeited much of my dreams and goals and married someone because I thought this is what I was “Supposed” to do.
And then it was like a ride on a roller coaster. Once the car leaves, it’s like I was strapped in. I knew there was going to be downfalls, but now what? What do I do? The wedding was set. All I could do was take the ride and deal with the crash. So I turned the blind eye to the red flags and so did my other half.

I was angry for a long time. I was angry about the things that happened. I was angry about the co-parenting and the rules of the interaction. I was angry at everyone until I realized I was most angry at me. I was angry at me because I knew this was going to happen, and yet, I walked into it, face first.

This is what happens when people settle. After I accepted my part and after I accepted my wrongs and held myself accountable; I learned not to partake in pettiness or the back and forth conversations because this was me trying to save my ego and pride.

The truth is I forfeited my pride. As a result, I have to understand that this is part of the trip, I can do one of two things. I can spend the rest of my life being miserable and angry or I can find my recovery and turn pain into empowerment.
I chose empowerment. And after that, I haven’t had an argument about my divorce since. 

2 thoughts on “A Note About Divorce

  1. This is very honest.. I also feel I didn’t marry for the right reasons. That said meeting my husband gave me the push to get sober…. I think often to grow we have to give up these formal ‘institutions’ such as marriage.. Lots of people stay in loveless deeply unhappy marriages.. and yes, in the end we need to be honest about how and why we seek love, is it just fear of being alone? I truly believe before we can honestly love we need to know our own hearts and motivations and we all have blind spots.. the capacity to be honest takes real courage and a willingness to face aloneness, in my humble opinion.

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