There are things in life that I never had. Some of which are simple things like a brand new 10-speed bicycle. Some of which are the basic rites of passage. For example, I never played a sport on a school team. Some of what I never had are the understandings that come later in life. This comes when maturity sets in. And I’m not sure if I’m mature yet. I’m not sure what I want to be when I grow up. Then again, I’m not sure if I’ll grow up or if I want to. At this point, I am near the age of understanding that who I am is exactly who I am supposed to be.
I understand now that everything has its place. Perspective is everything. Hence, there is a purpose for everything. Hence, there are reasons why and reasons why not. And perhaps this is too broad. Or, perhaps this is a bit too vague. But to me, this is as clear as the sunrise that is taking place on the other side of my window right now.
There is a path we take in this life. Whether we turned left instead of right or said hello one day or didn’t; this means everything to the direction our paths will take. This means everything to me because I understand more now. I understand why I never saw things until later. I get it now. I understand why I learned at my own pace. I understand the value of each and every lesson and why I learned them
I never had a prom. I never had a true high school experience. I never had a high school sweetheart and my lessons of true friendship did not come until I was older.
Along the way, I learned what it means to have someone truly valuable in my life. Along the way, I felt the comfort of a friendly voice. Along the way, I understood what it meant to walk away and not feel alone because deep down, I knew who was there for me.
I learned that there are people in this world that were specifically designed to be a strong, positive influence in our life. These are the great ones. They are the ones that allow us to be us without any excuse or explanation.
To be honest, I never knew what love was. Then again, I never dared to love as much as I am willing to dare right now. And there are all different kinds of love; each are equally giving and all are equally daring.
One could say this is maturity talking. One could argue that this is an awareness that comes with time. Maybe?
I would agree with the argument that everything happens in the perspective of moments. I would say that no, time is not always aligned with our concerns nor does life happen according to plan.
I can only imagine how many times people say to each other, “If I only knew you more when we were younger.” Then again, I could only imagine what it would be like if I knew you better when we were young.
Life is truly meant to be curious. And yes, I am curious. I want to be curious. I have to be because this is what keeps my hungry. This is what gives me a thirst.
This way I can learn more with an appetite that is never solved. This way I could learn what makes us laugh more. I can learn that neither you nor I will ever be too old to be crazy.
And it’s fit to be young. It’s fit to be wild and crazy. It’s fit to be adventurous, to have the drive to howl and scream and carry on.
It’s good to want to be like a kid and laugh about the simplest possible things. This is fit for me the same as it is fit for you.
In fact, of this I am certain; and I am certain this is the reason why I have you.
I have had this dream nearly most of my life. I have had this idea of creating my own little prom. I have had the idea of walking through a high school and living as a high school student for a day.
I wonder if anyone carries their books through the hallways anymore. I wonder if it is still romantic to walk a girl to class and carry her books for her.
I wonder what it feels like to walk around the track of a football field and talk about nothing and yet, we can talk about everything as if everything we talk about is this meaningful idea, enough to alter the direction of our lives.
There are people that ponder the idea: “If I could have three wishes, what would they be?”
I used to say my first wish would be for three more wishes.
I suppose there is a piece of me that wishes I could go back into my old body. More accurately, this means I would go back to me in my young body. I don’t know what age I would choose.
I don’t know if I would choose to go back to my past self at the start of junior high. Or, maybe I would go back to the times when I experienced my first sense of social rejection.
Maybe I would go back and tell me the one thing I wish someone told me a long time ago.
I would tell me, “None of this is real.”
I would tell me not to give in. Don’t believe what you see. Don’t believe in the surface level. All of that is bullshit.
I would explain there is only a small window of opportunity each day. Your job is to seek it. Find it. And when you do, then I want you to jump through it, head first or feet first, I don’t care. Just don’t let the window close.
I supposed I would explain that fear of rejection can become habitual. Fear of self is the same thing. Insecurity is an illusion and people use this as a tool in social climates. They use this to keep themselves from being part of the food chain in the gossip mills and the rumor factories.
I would explain that inner beauty is the most truthful beauty. I would point out the people in the popular crowd. I would point towards the people that were intimidating to me or you or us.
I’d say, “See them?”
Then I’d say, “Always remember that no matter how pretty someone is on the outside, if they’re ugly on the inside, then they can only be average at best. And nothing about you could ever possibly be average.”
I would say this for sure.
I don’t know what my life would have looked like if I made a right instead of a left. I don’t know what my life would have looked like if the trains were running late or not at all during an evening rush hour.
I don’t know what my life would look like if it were any different than it is now. All I know is all I have. And this is the reason for you, me and for everything.
I understand now. I understand not everything makes sense. Not everything coincides with logic. That’s fine. So be it.
I think we always question why things happen. We need to find accountability. We have to know why.
This is a normal process. We try and understand the reasons people come in and out of our life.
We try to understand the reasons that go along with poor timing (if there is such a thing).
All I know is everything that happens in the timeline of our life has created a path. Good or bad, this is us. And this is what we have.
This path is what we call our journey and to be honest, I’ve had my share of damage but I could not imagine what my journey would be like if it were not for this, for you, for the stars, the sun, the moon and for the fact that my life is better simply because you are in it.
There is something cosmic about this; as in the cosmos, the universe; as in the way life works and the system of the world, as grand as it is and with the eventual outcome of this harmonious understanding that all will be revealed (Someday. . . .).
In the meantime, there is no reason to question or worry or wonder. There is no reason to grow up or act our age (not our shoe size).
There is no reason to pretend or act refined; as if we can’t dance because people are watching. And to this I say let them watch. Let them stare. Let them look and gawk because while they do this, we will have the time of our life. And at best, all they’ll ever be able to say is they saw us carrying on.
They saw this but yet, they never dared to live so loud.
What a quiet puny little life that would be. And us, well, that’s a different story. There’s nothing little about us or quiet. There’s nothing puny or pathetic about this journey. And there’s nothing so beautiful as finding the people the universe intended us to know.
The sun is almost up now. I can see the sun has risen over the trees.
I love sharing this with you. It makes the day worth living.
In fact, this is what
I’ve learned about people and their value in our life.
The good ones are the keepers. The real friends are the ones that instinctively know when to find you. It’s not just fate. It’s not just the randomness of life on life’s terms.
This is the meaning and the reason. This is the Alpha and the Omega, the comprehensiveness of all that we’ve lived through, all we’ve seen, and all that has led us up to the here and now.
This is all we’ve felt and all we know.
Above all, I know this.
And I know you.
And for this, I am truly grateful.
The Written Addiction 