A Mild Bout (with insomnia)

I find myself awake at times and on the couch. I find myself moving in different directions of thought. Take last night, for example. There I was on the couch, listening to the rain as it fell against the skylights on my rooftop. I hear this like a thousand footsteps; as if the raindrops fall in teams of countless soldiers on a mission, which is perfect though, because the rainfall somehow matches the way I feel.
The truth is I don’t mind the rain so much. I don’t mind the storms, which keep the streets empty and vacant from man or woman. I like the quiet sounds and the grayness in the sky. I call this the lullaby of all lullabies. However, last night, there was no rockabye baby from the treetops. The wind blew but no cradle did rock. No, I suppose there weren’t enough sheep to count last night. at least, not for a while.

I was awake and battling a mild bout with insomnia. I found my thoughts travelling all over the globe. Hence, perhaps this was the reason that I could not sleep. I found myself bouncing from thoughts and memories from my childhood and old daydreams. My thoughts ran from this to current times and current concerns about my work life, my home life and this thing I call my future. 

I do believe in the personal right to reinvent one’s self. I believe in the benefit of personal recreation and that there is hope in envisioning, building and rebuilding one’s future. I believe that dreams change and ambition evolves. 
I believe we are always changing. Our positions change. Our opinions change. Relationships with ourselves and others will change. We update our thinking to reach new or different levels of understanding. And I get this now. Maybe I’ve always known this but again, I’m reaching a new level of understanding. My eyes are opening more and more, each day. I get it. Life itself is a trick of the hand. Maybe this is all a trick. Or, maybe I’m still learning how to pull off the magic of self. Know what I mean?

The person I am might understand the person I was five years ago. However, the person I am now is different than who I was then. We evolve. We grow. We mature.
Our sources of influences change. Life changes. The times change and one thing for sure, technology is always changing. In fact, we update our applications more than we update our thinking.

I don’t know how the person I was ten years ago would relate to my current climate. I’m not sure if the older version of me would be in a serious crisis if I were faced with my current challenges. Then again, the younger versions of me did not have this kind of foresight or faith in my ability. Perhaps this is because back then, I forgot to nurture my abilities. I forgot to nurture my plans, my hopes, my strategies and my goals.

This here is my garden, see?
I have to care for it otherwise, nothing green will grow.
I say this figuratively speaking, of course, but then again, I think you already knew that,
And here I am now, right?
I am still working on nurturing this trick I’ve created. I’m trying to build my young man’s dream, which I had placed on hold for a little more than two decades. Somehow, I gave in. I gave up and figured that I might as well “Walk the line” and join the other sheep in the herd.

An old friend told me the other day, “I’m not saying any of this to put you down but . . . you don’t belong here.”
My friend told me, “No offense, but there is something better intended for you.”
My old friend and I were finishing up a hard day’s work.
See, although I am still working on my trick, nevertheless, I have to tend to my day job for me to earn a living.
“I’m not here to put you down,” he said. “I just think you have a higher calling.”
“No offense,” he told me.

No offense taken.

I am here now, alive and well, and yes; I know there is something out there. I know there is an opportunity waiting for me. I can’t say that I know where this is or what this will look like. I can’t say that I know if the wait for my connection will be quick or there’s a long time coming.
However, I know that this version of me has grown to the point where I realize that unless I try, unless I work towards my goals, unless I build and allow myself to create the stage, the curtain will never rise and I’ll never have the chance to say, “Ta-Da!” and reveal my secret. 

I had a few thoughts about the farm I want to build last night. I thought about the sign I’d place on the road. I’m calling this place “The Second Family” and below the name would read, “ A home for those who need it.”

You would like the farm. You’d have to work though. Everyone works on this farm. We’re all teachers of the crafts. We all learn how to feed one another here. We support each other. No bullies allowed. No abuse. Not here. Not ever.
The farm is a place to help us relearn and retrain the way we live so that we can be happy and find this thing they call peace, You can come and go as you please. You just have to be mindful of the rules and respectful of the company we keep.

I’d have a few ideas on some of the classes we’d have:
“How to shop in a supermarket 101”
“Ways to calm down”
“Life in the real world”
“How to say goodbye”
“Forgiveness of self for beginners”
“How to grow”
“Comfort food 101 and 102”
“Imagination 101 and 102”
“Sunset lightening bug spectatorship and the ingredients of lemonade”

These are just a few ideas. I wonder what your course suggestions would be. I wonder whose life would be saved because they had a place like this to go to.

I wonder . . . .