I am driving by myself, alone,
heading south on the parkway and driving before the sunrise
heading down the same trip which has become automatic
which is familiar, yet strange in a sense
because as I head towards my usual destination
I have come to the realization that I have outgrown the clothes of my past
and that my old uniforms no longer fit me.
I am not speeding fast, per se,
yet I am not obeying the speed limit either.
I am in an mode of autopilot,
which is more robotic
or mechanical because (of course)
my body has taken this trip so many times –
my brain doesn’t need to think about which way to go
or when to turn
(Know what I mean?)
We are creatures of habit and so am I,
habitual, recurrent or repetitive
or habitually making the same run
which is both to and from the same work stations
and doing the same things
which have almost become interchangeable
yet I am at the cusp of something new – Hopefully.
This is not for lack of trying or lack of effort
or to say that anything comes effortlessly but instead
I have mindfully put myself “out there”
I am at the verge of something different in which case
I am at the dawn of a new beginning
and here I am, excited like a child with a new toy,
awaiting the sunrise, hopeful, dreamy as ever
and thinking about how far I’ve come.
I am thinking about who I’ve been over the last few decades
and considering how or if this coincides
with who I want to be.
I don’t want to be too common or mundane
mediocre or average.
I don’t need to be noticed or acknowledge,
at least not as much as I need to be happy
or at minimum – at peace.
I have changed and yet, everything changes.
I have transformed and yet everything transforms.
Everything ages. Everything changes
and whether we notice this or not,
we find ourselves in the autopilot of life,
somehow meandering through the same streets
and randomly repeating old moves
until they become verbatim or the exact same –
otherwise known as predictable (or maybe even safe)
but far from fulfilling.
I am moving at a speed that my mind and body knows how to handle
My surface mind can somewhat phase away or drift into thought about things,
like say, the ideas of being someplace else
or somewhere that I’ve never seen before
with the end result of me being better off
I use this dream for fuel when my personal tanks are low
I give myself a vision, this way –
I have something to look forward to –
this way, the old pilot light doesn’t go out
and that spark inside me is strong enough
to ignite my fury and find my drive.
I am moving at a pace where I am coming to life
I am noticing the grips of my surroundings have loosened enough
that I am able to break from my mold
I can fall out of place where our normal conformity
has had me positioned in our habitual spots – also known as our daily life.
I am more of a position than I am me,
a person with dreams
or aspirations and hopes to fly,
or hopes to create and build,
which is what I want to do,
which is more than a label
and who I choose to be.
I am more than a job or a job title
or a person who pays bills
or a mortgage or taxes
or follows up on my insurance
or the stock market.
I am a person who is choosing to be up (like now)
before the hour of 4:00am
and looking to make a break for the sun.
I am someone who has been both locked up or held back
because of my defiance; therefore,
I am more defiant now than ever before
because at last
I want to live my life on my terms
and not on the terms of a time clock
or at the mercy of the powers that be.
I am not working for a living.
I am not here at one of my three (or sometimes four) jobs
to work for a living. No, I want optionality.
I want the freedom of choice.
I don’t want to be limited or hushed or silenced because I do not have the means.
I work to have the options of choice or to speak freely.
I do not want to be held back anymore
nor judged by the size of my wallet or my bank accounts; but more,
I don’t want to be held back by the realm of limited thinking and
which I have always wished for.
I want the freedom I’ve chosen to define for myself
which is why I am here, which is why I am awake so early,
which is why I am working to earn the versions of optionality
which is something that fits my dreams
so that whether I am here or if I find myself in the loft of my dreams away somewhere,
whether I am on a farm perhaps, which is a place that I have build in my mind
or whether this dream of mine takes place up north or south
or maybe on some island where people smile and say things like “hello”
or “good morning,”
I know that the motor of my motivation is to find myself at peace
away from this,
away from the grind and the sameness
and into vastness of my soul’s direction
which is the only thing that makes sense to me now.
I want to build this new world in which I am free.
I want to be comfortable, detached and unhinged
from the anxious anticipation of what goes on in our daily life.
I want to hear the words,
flight control – we are clear for takeoff
and then swoosh, up into the sky, high enough
where my seat goes back to a leisure of comfort,
my feet are up
and my legs stretched as I look through the window of a business class seat
and then . . .
I’m off to someplace where palm trees and hammocks
and white sand beaches with turquoise lagoons
are a part of my usual routine.
(Sure as hell beats 46th Street by the Westside Highway)
I have come to the awareness that dreams
only happen if the fire beneath them are kindled
and kept lit.
I can’t say that I don’t care about money but at last,
I can say that whatever I earn and whatever I have
I don’t have to own anything to compare myself to anyone else.
I don’t have to care who likes me (or wants me around).
That’s fine for now
besides, this trip is invitation only.
I’ve tried to work according to the social blueprints.
But not anymore.
I tried to adhere to the rules of status
which gets tossed around and confused by the status junkies
and popularity whores.
I must have tried on a hundred different uniforms
and worked in countless different positions; only to learn this:
I don’t have to dress up anymore;
at least, not in the robotic from
or fashion of being more of the same
“Flight attendants prepare for take off.”
I’m sure you’re asking yourself, “Where are we going, Benny?”
Anywhere we want . . .
That’s the point of working for optionality
To take off from where we choose and to land wherever we want
The sun will be up soon
And so will the rest of the world
I don’t mind being up before them
This give me the option of having a head start
to be one step ahead
and one step closer to the time where I can say “Ahhh”
I made it