A Witness Through the Window – Entry 31

I want to take you now to an actual view of real life. This is not just my view or my life; but more, this is a view that will help translate and explain what it’s like to live with a certain mindset. Here take this.
It’s an envelope. Inside are the contents of the mind which you’ll understand more as we go along.
I offer this message as an explanation yet I offer this view as a means of expression. This is not just for me at all. No, this is also for those who either will not or cannot explain themselves. 
Either way, here it goes.

Here comes the honesty, which is not only true but, to me, I find something refreshing about this because at last it’s out there.
Do you understand what I’m trying to say?
The truth is being told and since this is exposed, maybe what I’m about to show you will help someone choose to step away from their daily charades. Maybe this will connect with a sense of relevance and maybe . . . just maybe there’s a way or a path to find a special kind of freedom.

So. . .
There comes a time when you just can’t run away anymore. You can’t hide. You can’t slip away into one of the mind-erasing categories which somehow cancel the moments.
Meanwhile, you scroll through meaningless threads on the internet. You find yourself in a hashtag life.
You do this because there’s something mindless enough about the social media feeds which allow you to kill time while viewing someone else’s version of false reality. You do this because it’s an escape, right?
It’s something to do, isn’t it?
Sure as hell beats living in the present.
Or does it?
Then again, anything can be an escape, especially if it takes you away for a while – either way, your escape is a method to fill the void. You do this to fill the emptiness or the empty expressions that drift through your head.
By the way, what does this even mean?
Well, I’ll tell you.

This means you’re exhausted from trying to appear okay.
You’re tired of trying to keep your head together which you have to because otherwise everything else is so goddamn exhausting.
This means you’re worn down. You’re tired.
Your energy level is completely drained because of the long hours, in which you’ve been trying to act “as if” and to what avail?
Is this helping?
I’d say no because while trying to act “as if,” the energy it takes is enough to wipe you out.
Know what I mean?
It’s that smile. It’s that cover-up or the weight from the mask you wear that weighs you down.
It’s draining just to appear “okay.”

You’re weary from running those marathons in your head.
You’re always on, always trying to keep your head up. You need to keep your acceptance at an acceptable level, which to you is never acceptable enough.
You’re always trying to keep your appearance strong but inside, the cracks in your story are enough to keep you afraid of falling apart. Goddamn, this is tiresome.
But let me ask, who would care? If you fell apart, what would be so bad about this?
Or was Socrates right when he said the predicament is in our mind?
Either way –
Your thoughts that ran marathons are aching from their races.
What do I mean by this?
Or what do I mean when I mentioned the empty expressions?
Well, I’ll tell you.
I mean the emptiness that comes with trying to be something or someone else. I mean the volatile – or should I say hostile mindset which comes with codependent and depleting dreams that go away because, at some point, you just want to jump out of your own life.
When I say the empty expressions in your head, I mean the weed-like catastrophes that seep within your thoughts. I mean the absolute hollow shell of that feeling which comes with imposter syndrome and there you are, just waiting to be found out (or exposed).
You try to keep it up. You try to keep the brave face and fix your grin.
You try to wear the crown. Or sometimes, you try to wear the halo but in your mind, it’s those goddamn devil horns that knock it off.
There is a committee meeting in our head at all times.
Which angle do we defend from? What is our next best move?
Do we attack? When and where?
Do we make a preemptive strike?
Or do we sit and wait for the tidal wave and let the world just flush us away?
Defeated –
But like I said, you try to keep it together.
Meanwhile, you’re a step short of a nervous breakdown. You’re a step short of going absolutely fucking nuts and at some point, who cares? Right?
Let it blow up.
Let it all burn down, right to the ground.
Can you see this?
Trust me, there are millions who relate.

There’s an old “goodbye” poem I wrote a long time ago.
It’s changed over the years.
This was about the need to get up and get away from the life we no longer want to live. 

There are times when we want to leave.
We want a better life.
We want a new start but we hang.
We stayed because we were too afraid.  

That’s where this poem came from.

This is about all of the times we rehearsed the exit
but we were too afraid to step through the door

Well, I’m not afraid anymore
Then again, I don’t have to be
After a while, the practice is over. 
The rehearsal ends and this time, 
“I mean it!”

So here I go . . .
I’m packed up.
I’m leaving. 

That’s it. It’s over and do you know what?
I don’t have to take this anymore

The wind is at my back and I’m on my way
I’m leaving for a better life.
I’m taking it on the chin and moving out. 

I mean it this time too. That’s it.
It’s all going to be brand new. 

It’s going to be good from now on
(You’ll see!)

New start, new day.
New job, new life.
I’m ready to be reborn and that’s it. 

I’m done.
Here I go. 
I’m finally free
I’m out the door and yesterday doesn’t matter anymore
I say yesterday doesn’t matter and do you know why?
It’s because I don’t live there anymore.
That’s why

Last night, I slept on one side of the bed 
and this morning, 
I woke up on the other side of a decision –
To go . . . 

I climbed out of bed and that was it . . .
I’m ready this time. 
Different streets, different faces, 
new blocks, new places, 
new buildings, new places to eat.
A new way of life and better beginnings. 

Another town, another time –
And that’s all there is to it because finally,
I’m gone.

No more sitting in silence,
No more lying awake or better yet:
No more lying to myself
Or lying to anyone 

No more listening to seconds tick before the alarm clock rings, 
No more looking out the window, 
wishing I was anyplace but here 

No more wishing I was anyplace else (but here).
No more thinking people are better 
just because they tell me so 
and no more wondering what I could’ve been 
if I’d only walked away when I had the chance.

That’s it
I’m out this time

I’m done.
I’m gone.

No more wishing for the spring in wintertime 
and no more thinking of the fall 
when the summer gets too hot.

No more wishing I left whenever I practiced this speech 
and no more thinking people will laugh  
because they knew I’d never have the nerve to leave
Or have the guts to pull the trigger (so-to-speak).

It’s come down to this
How many times can I allow people to hold me back? 
Or better yet, how many times will I allow people to hold me back?
How many times will I fulfill my self-prophecies?
Or, how many times will I allow doubt to fill my assumptions?

But that’s it. That’s all.
I’m finished. I’m out. 

We’re through.

So go ahead and tell me again 
Tell me how I’ll never make it.
Tell me how I’ll be back 

Tell me how you’ll laugh when this happens
Or, tell me how you’ll have the popcorn ready
Just so you can laugh and enjoy the shit-show

Go ahead 
Tell me how you’ll keep my seat warm 
Tell me this one more time
and I’ll tell you how, “That’s it this time. I’m gone.” 

I’m done! 
I love this speech . . .

if only I could just get myself to open my mouth 
or opened the door
That’d be perfect . . .
I could be gone
And I wouldn’t wonder about who misses me
Or who doesn’t, or why –

I wrote this poem for myself a long, long time ago. While I am not as afraid or as timid as I used to be and although I have grown, I can relate to the fears of the up and coming. I know all about the fears of the unknown.
I can relate to the anxious anxieties and the nervous anticipation. I can certainly relate to being stressed out or living in the depressive end of lonesomeness.

Here’s the window. Here’s an honest view of what many people see, think and feel. Of course, there are people who come in with their opinions and they come with their consultations.
There are people who will come in with their unsolicited advice. There are people who will come along and use the word “just” as in “just don’t think like that” is if it is “just” that simple.

I can say this; I am a work in progress.
I have improved.
I can say the greatest feeling comes when you’ve had enough and you decide to say “When.”
Rather than respond or react, freedom comes when you simply stand up from the table, push your chair back in, and walk away without ever looking back (or needing to).

To tell you the truth, I work on this every day. I build my strength and courage and reaffirm that above all things, I can survive.
This doesn’t mean survival is easy or that surviving doesn’t hurt. This doesn’t mean I’m not afraid (because I am).
But if we can learn to endure then we can endure. If we can endure, then we can do anything.

Anything at all –

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