Memories From the Balcony – In Closing

I figure here is as good a place as any. Today, right now.
I figure I can end this one here with you and leave it at this because today is a celebration.
Today’s an acknowledgement. It’s a day of achievement and yet, today is a heavy memory as well.

I figure that now is a good time to find another topic. Now’s a good time to start another chapter which is something I’ve been doing consistently for a very long time.
My hopes are to move above and beyond myself. I’ve told you so much about my life and myself. To be clear, without you or without this place and without this stage or platform, I really don’t know where I’d be.

All I know is this::
I want to surpass my expectations and be rid of my limitations because, like you or anyone else in this crazy world, I want to make something. I want to build something. I want to create something more than just a legacy.
I want to leave something behind that is more than just a fingerprint or an imprint. I want to leave my mark. I want something to be an extension of me and I want this to be something that is as unforgettable –
Unforgettable, just like you are to me.
Trust me on this . . .

Today marks a special day that took place on April 1, 1991.
Today was the day that I walked back into a place where I lived for 11 months. I went back for a visit; but more, I went back to tell on myself.
At the time, I was driving around with a pistol beneath the driver’s seat of my car.
I was in the middle again. I was in the middle of it all.
I was in the middle of trouble and I was facing more trouble.
I had a new charge on me that came from a fight which I know this sounds ugly and violent, but the new charge was a felony assault.
I hit a man . . . hard too.
What really happened was this:
I let go of all the hope and all the lessons that I had learned about what to do and how to stay clean.
I let go of myself once the old feelings came back.
Old feelings led me to old ideas and old ideas led me to old behaviors; therefore; due to the cognitive distortions and catastrophes in my mind, I saw nothing hopeful about me.
I swore that who I was is all I could ever be – and, at best, all I would ever be was some screwed up kid who could never get myself straight.
But apparently, I was wrong.

On this day, I told on myself.
I walked into a place where I was hopeful that maybe my life could change. I went back to my so-called beginning and to a place where I let the old me die.
I made this decision and, dammit all, I went back to see the people who were there for me when I couldn’t be there for myself.

I walked back in there and I told them what happened. 
I started to cry as soon as I saw them.
I started to cry like a child, guilty of disobeying their parents. 

I told them –
I fucked up.
I went back out there.
I lost what I had and gave myself up to a life that didn’t belong to me.

I figure that this is as good a place as any to start something new, which I plan to.
I’m not sure what this new thing will be, at least not yet.
But I’m sure that I’ll figure it out.

Today marks 32 years since the last time I had to admit to the use of a mind altering substance. 
I figure it’s time to get back to my trick.
It’s time to figure out what this trick is going to look like because I don’t know where, if or how my big debut is going to come. But either way, I know that I want to be ready for it.

Also –
I just want to make you proud.
More than anything,
I want to feel this too.
I want that feeling of crossing the finish line and thinking to myself “I did it!”

I want to look up at the sky and tell my folks,
Don’t worry about me Pop. And don’t worry, Mom.
Your baby boy is alive and well.

I’m alive and doing fine!

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