1)
I have spent years of my life,
wondering about what I can be
who I will be, what am I
or who do I want to be –
What is this?
Normal?
Curious . . .
Common?
I have spent much of my life
trying to make up for the past
but lo and behold
the past is no longer the present; therefore,
the old me is no longer around
to excuse the new me from my behavior.
Yesterday is gone now
It’s in the wind, or so they say.
I am often stuck in the yesterdays
and like the sun,
I have come again
to rise and fall
in search for the moon – but somehow,
it seems as if, always
I just miss it.
But, that’s not true
It’s time though . . .
It’s time to take a break
from the self-deprecating memories
and the self-destructive melodies
which people sing to one another.
I am wounded. I am strong.
I am healing –
I am growing and progressing,
one day at a time
Or, is it one second
or one minute at a time?
Either way,
If I told you once
then I must have told you a thousand times
I am evolving
. . . it’s just that sometimes
the evolution hits a gear.
The machine snags
which means
this does not move fast enough
(or the way we want it)
because, of course,
we want the world
and we want it now!
It’s time though . . .
(I keep saying this)
In the grand scheme,
there are the windows of opportunity,
which seem to close too quickly
or, maybe they seem too distant
or, they’re too far to look through
and catch the sunrise
Meanwhile, I have seen the sunset
more than a thousand times.
I watched the sun
come up the very next day.
I have run around the block,
tripped in the same places,
watched the same scenes
and said the same things but hey . . .
to what avail?
It’s time . . .
I have practiced the same speeches
spent countless hours
working on my exit strategy
Yet, I stalled at the moment of execution,
which is to “man up” as they say
and finally pull the trigger
I have spent decades placating my fears;
excusing my laziness
posing this as weakness
Yet . . .
I was going off to work in the same field
and worshiping the same faulty crops.
But again . . .
to what avail?
I have worked most of my life,
if not all of it yet –
I use the word again – lazy
Lazy?
Yes, a person can work their life away
and still be lazy –
Lazy, as in spiritually, emotionally,
educationally or otherwise,
a person can see their life and their future
but the work in their hearts
does not match
the direction of their footsteps
This is me.
I’ve done this
(and I’m sure that I’m not alone here).
I have wanted more
for my entire life.
I have wanted desire
I want to find my direction
I want the protection of my truth –
yet,
like so many who succumb to themselves,
I have balked.
I’ve resisted
or restricted myself
for one reason or another.
But either way –
it’s time . . .
2)
I have been judged.
I have been assumed
I have been called
every name in the book . . .
And maybe I deserved it
(sometimes)
I have been a monster.
I have lied – Lord knows I have.
And I have tried . . .
I have
I’ve tried to make up for this
I’ve tried to amend this
I have done things, achieved things,
and I have moved;
I have become something more
than who I was but yes –
It’s time. . .
This is hereby a note to self –
As in myself. As in me.
It’s time. . .
3)
Looking back, I can see it
I am there,
standing in a field in late September,
awaiting my ride to a new future.
If I could go back . . .
. . . there’d be so many things
that I would say
or do.
I am young. I am untested.
I have much to learn and more to see.
I have fewer scars and less intensity.
This was me
I am on the verge of learning
and knowing.
I am too old to be a kid
and too young to be a man
I am standing in the “picturesque”
also known as the farm
(AKA: My Dream)
The mountains and the fields are green
The sky is blue and overhead
long-winged birds
circle the air without moving
Their black wings spread wide,
like feathery knives slicing the air.
Their motion is motionless,
hanging still in the winds
hovering above me in
the mountains of my late youth.
I stood here contemplating the next chapter.
I could have stayed here
(you know?)
I could have worked here.
I could have kept myself on the farm.
I could have remained the way I was,
situationally pure,
held in a pattern
and conformed in a sense
that I had been reformed
but
the idea of moving onward
or me being more
was far too much for me to consider
(at the time)
I am young here.
I am untested.
I am somewhat unscathed
and in the meantime,
I was unharmed.
But even then I knew . . .
I wanted more
It was time
4)
I am a compilation of events.
I am a series of sins and mistakes.
I am a stream of conscious chaos
and
in connection to my present and future,
I am the consumption
of self-propelled ideas
that have caused me
to project myself in ways
that are otherwise false.
I am the contemplation of ideas
and dreams.
I am searching
looking,
working in consideration for my future
or my so-called future
. . . Or whatever that means.
I am trying to strip myself here,
right now
I am undressing in a sense
and stripping myself from me,
or should I say
the senseless version of me
one layer at a time –
I want to do this
so that I can be true, clear
and, to be honest,
so that I can overcome
and supersede this thing we call fear.
I am a series of simple difficulties
Yes, I know I am
I am a connection between cognitive distortions
and the mental errors
that impact my thinking.
I am this,
much like the rest of us are this too –
mistaken, misguided
or misled by the mistreatment
of our insecure misdirection.
It’s time though . . .
No, really.
it is
5)
I am this –
An assumption of disliked personalities
and summed by characteristics
which have kept my thinking in the dark.
I am the statistics of win or lose, pass or fail.
I am a series of judgments.
I am fake but not at all.
I am honest and dishonest
I am true yet
I am a series of grand inaccuracies;
in which case
I am the choices I make.
I am the next few steps that I take
from here on in.
Ongoing . . .
See, I never liked to hear
about the people who pound their chest
or talk about the great “I am.”
I mean . . .
Sure,
I’m great too but my greatness
is not in absence of my flaws.
I am flawed. I am imperfect.
I am a life-long journey of ups and downs.
I’ve had my ins and outs
and rather than describe myself
or boast and play “the part”
it’s better to be honest.
I am humble enough to see
where I went wrong.
I am not afraid to say this
(at least not here)
I have scars.
I have faults and cracks
and imperfections.
I have misaligned ideas
which misguide me
from time to time.
I am not a person who quits
But if we are being honest –
then let’s be honest.
I can see where I quit.
I can see where I gave up on myself
and how
I can see where I surrendered.
I can see where I went wrong
I don’t need a magnifying glass
or anyone’s help to see this
I am evolving though
I am
It’s time . . . .
6)
Last but not least,
I am the least of all, a failure.
I am evolving
I am developing,
progressing, and changing,
and day by day, I am improving.
I am building
I am stronger now than I was just before
At least a little
(I hope)
I want to believe
I want to be free
I want to rid me from
the “burden of self”
which, in fact,
is the only burden that means anything
because all else is immaterial
otherwise, I’ll become immaterial
But me . . .
. . . I’d rather be immortal
as in
never dying or decaying from truth
everlasting or deathless
in a sense that at last
I find myself at peace.
It’s time
Therefore, last but not least,
I know that it’s time to move.
To start.
To begin again
To dream
To live and to laugh
To love and to learn how to love again –
the right way
(this time).
Last but not least,
I am neither last nor the least
and, therefore, I am this –
Evolving . . .
The Written Addiction 