I’m not sure when this was.
A long time ago, I suppose.
This must’ve been
but when, I don’t remember.
It must have been a realization which came in waves,
like the rides, rolling in and changing the face of the sands,
eroding the coast of life
and redefining the way I saw things.
Long ago . . .
it must’ve been
but who’s to say?
Who’s to tell me when this began
other than me because
no one else was there with me
when the old me ended
and the new me began.
I know this:
No realization is more valuable
than the one you come to on your own.
No understanding is truly retained
unless you understand this yourself
Either way,
who’s to say what life is or not?
Who’s to define
what it means to live
or how
or who’s to say what this feels like
from the inside out?
Who’s to call it?
Who’s to judge and who’s to pass or fail
the underlying developments
which act as our propulsion
to drive us forward
and who’s to comment on that which drives me
or you or
that which drives anybody
for that matter, because who’s to say
what works best for someone else?
And who’s to stop us?
(except us)
Who’s to say whether we can dream
and reach for the stars?
Or would it be better for others
if we remain still or dormant
in the race toward mediocrity,
if we sat still or silent
who would we benefit?
Would this help us?
Or does this help an opposite force
who looks to take
without ever replenishing?
Should we avert our eyes from the light?
Should we stay grounded?
Should we never want or dream
or look for me?
Should we stay meek or quiet?
Should we remain controllable or gullible
for someone else?
Or should we keep ourselves manageable
and never ask questions like “Why”
or “Why not?”
Should we never test our own boundaries?
Or should we defy every limitation
and learn to exceed
and surpass our own biases?
In short, the answer is yes
Of course, we should challenge this.
We should challenge ourselves
We should challenge our limits
because limits are more of a concept
which exist in the mind.
Everything else is only an obstacle
in which we can navigate around
if we choose . . .
If we think about this,
these are all valid questions.
So what should we do?
Should we withdraw
and remove ourselves from the race?
Should we forget the means of competition
and simply lose to comparison?
Or, should we endure
and improve ourselves
by being thirsty for me?
Should we build and gain muscle
even when the time is tense
and the body is weak?
It would be easy to say and, equally,
it would be clear to see that there are those
who seek the weak
and those who look
to take advantage of the meek.
Trust me, they’re out there
It would be easy to say that yes,
there are opportunists in the world
and yes, it would be fair to say
there are those who will look for an angle
and take a shot
regardless if it’s fair game
or not . . .
And, yes, I know there are people out there
who look to use people as resources;
and more, they will use people
and drain their resources
until bankruptcy
just to stockpile their own resources
so as not to waste their own wealth.
anstead, there are people who (I swear)
nothing is ever enough
and greed is there primary motivation –
to gain
and to get more, more, more.
While they seek the weak
and look for the shots to take,
I know that deep down,
there are still good people in this world
While perhaps they might be few
and far in-between, I know there are people
who show their love and kindness
as if, to them, this is their wealth.
We encounter all types in life.
We see the meek
and we find ourselves intermingled
with the ravenous and hungry,
drooling to avoid starvation
and then, there are the broken souls
or the so-called justified
who blame their faults and flaws
on their upbringing.
Or, they say hey, what do you expect?
What do you want me to do?
Work for minimum wage
or something?
I have seen people who blame their traits
on the products of their environment
and I have sat
listening to them rationalize their thefts,
as if to make them acceptable
because hey, they had it rough,
right?
Yet, I have seen people evolve from ashes,
who came from nothing
and grew up in small, poor and broken homes
with no help and, somehow,
they emerged from the depths
and without using a knife
to plant in the backs of someone else,
just to step up,
rung by rung, they climbed up the ladder
and found themselves
in the land of success
with dignity.
So what should we do?
Where should we draw our inspiration?
I ask this because inspiration
can come from any angle
and drive us in any direction.
While some people are inspired
by the motivation to achieve,
others might be inspired
by the motivation to quit
because of something inside
and because of something lacking,
like the drive to overcome
or because of something hindering us,
people can be inspired to give in
We are emotional creatures
and we react to things
like an emotional grain of sand,
like a pearl to an oyster which to someone else,
this might be beautiful and precious
but to an oyster, this is just a grain;
this is just an irritant in the skin.
To us, we have this
which is an irritant that we spend decades
trying to cover or smoothen,
just so we don’t have to deal with the itch.
What should we do?
Who should we turn to?
I think about the ideas of the broken soul
and then I heed the warning
because I agree and understand
that a broken soul can care only for its own
and that even though
there’s an understanding between right and wrong,
a broken soul can care only for its own
almost like a predator,
looking to devour the food around them,
gluttonous
to acquire, to obtain,
like a parasite or some parasitic nature,
which devours and feeds.
Whether we see this or not,
to some, there is no right or wrong
because to them,
there’s only survival.
To some, there are those who cannot resist this
and for them,
there are those who co-dependently give in
and breathe out,
just so the broken soul can breathe in –
and maybe then
they can “fix them.”
Remember, if the eyes are the window of the soul;
then to a broken soul,
the windows of the world
are where we do our shopping.
And yes, I say we because for so long,
I was a broken soul.
I admit this . . .
I lacked the ability to care for anyone but my own.
I sought. I searched. I hunted and preyed.
I admit to this, humbly and sadly
but not regretfully
because as I admit to this,
I submit to the laws of surrender.
I submitted myself to the amends
and the restitution in which I still pay,
daily, forever and ongoing
because yes, I took. I grabbed.
I stole and, yes,
I absorbed from the resources around me.
I admit it
I looked to find the so-called easier, softer ways.
I shot for the takedowns and searched for the angles
I had my share of scams
I looked to devour the resources around me
to satiate my hunger
and leave others hungry
selfishly, yes, I admit this.
I did this so that I would never have to waste
an ounce of my own
and, like a parasite, I admit to this.
I took what I could
and wasted without care
because of my fears of being “without”
or being left out
or not being valid or heard or seen and noted
and, yes, I admit to the unseen scars
and the deep wounds that hurt me;
and yes, I admit to the drive in me
which,resentfully, look to respond
and retaliate because, to me, I was owed.
I was fucking due!
To me, life was not fair.
To me, since what goes around comes around
and, therefore,
if I am to be here in the underbelly of the cycle,
then let me feed with the bottom feeders
and let me be ferocious with this
because if I am nothing more than a justified source
who turns the gears of karma;
and, therefore, in my karmic debt,
like a parasite or a roach,
my position in the food chain was made to survive –
until, eventually,
I realized that to evolve from the Cro-Magnon self,
I had evolve from my excuses
to kill them
and put them away.
I can say that I see both sides now,
the good and the evil of people around us
because I can say that I have been part of both,
the good and the evil.
I can say that there are people
who evolved from worse than I could imagine yet,
they never hurt anyone
or knifed them in the back.
Step by step and rung by rung,
still, without harm
they’ve climbed out of the depths
of what most would call hell;
only to end up on top
and reach down to help
others who were down below them.
I have seen this.
I have seen people reach down
to help someone get a leg up
and in the interim,
I have seen the kinder become foiled
and pulled back down.
I have seen the crooked smiles
of those who fed from the blood of goodness,
just so they would never go hungry.
I’ve seen people use others as firewood,
just so they never go cold.
I have seen the damages which come from the gossip pools.
I’ve seen the rumor factories
who both print and churn their character assassinations
to kill the weak
so that they can remain strong
I’ve seen the worst yet even in the worst places,
I have seen glimpses of hope
which acts as proof of light’s resolve
that in spite of the surroundings
and in spite of the depths of loss,
we can always rise again.
People can and will recover from themselves
and that, of course, we will hurt
and we will experience life as it goes around us.
We will understand the ebbs and flows
of the tides of life
and we will see the rising
and the falling of the tides.
Life and the unfair hunts can stop,
once we stop looking for the rationalizations
that forgive our trespasses
as we condemn those who trespass against us.
Life can change
once we stop looking for excuses.
Life can change the moment
we accept our accountability in this world
and rather than focus on the end result;
life improves when we dedicate ourselves
to the benefit of our effort
The crack and chipped edges
from what I referred to as my broken soul
are real and sometimes,
I can feel the irritations of my fear.
I can feel the irritations of my distractions
and that I have to work to compensate
for the rejective ideas
which keep people like me
worried that without an edge,
there’s no way we can succeed
or win the race –
at least not fairly.
Who’s to say what you can or cannot do?
Who’s to say that you can or cannot evolve
or improve or that while a leopard cannot change its spots;
who’s to say that you have to?
Who’s to say that you can’t improve or change;
and yes, while I understand that forgiveness
might not come and that all the world
is always interested in a scapegoat,
and while not everyone
is going to be a fan or a supporter and while,
absolutely, there will always be someone out there
looking to keep you in a box
just because this is where they need you to be,
who’s to say that you have to comply with this?
Who’s to say
that no matter where you are,
you can’t improve?
Who’s to say that you can’t have the drive
to be bigger, stronger,
faster and better than before?
Who’s to tell you not to dream;
as in to look down and never lift your eyes
to see the horizon or watch the sun
evolve from dusk until dawn
and who’s to say
that you do not deserve beautiful things?
Who?
No one but you
That’s who
Just give yourself the permission to make life so
And anything you do can change at any moment
I do not believe in the inability to improve
However, I do believe in the limitations of the mind
At some point, the decision has to be made
You can’t blame the world
You can’t blame your upbringing
At some point, the old child that “was” has to go away
So the new child can be born
Who’s to say that you have to ask permission
to improve?
And if you do,
then let it be you who says
permission granted
and then
make this so
The Written Addiction 