Just a Thought, Just Because – On to the Next One

I’m leaving this here because I think now
is a good time to get ready and move on to the next one.
As for now, today is Memorial Day, May 29, 2023

I found myself on a post-sunrise drive,
heading inbound and over the George Washington Bridge,
once more, and making my way over the Hudson
while the morning sun left its shades of orange
on the face of the tall buildings.

It’s a pretty picture to think about
My City in the quiet of morning
I have been making this trip into the City for decades now,
and from either side of town or the other,
in any direction, whether Uptown or Downtown, Eastside or West,
there is something perfect about her to me.

My City –
She embodies the hopes of my dreams yet
she keeps my secrets
and holds my pen
while I draw a map
and write my plans that await my tomorrow.

I am coming to an end with this journal, which is not a “goodbye,” per se;
but instead, this is the need to close one chapter
so that I can open another. 

I never liked the guest who overstayed their welcome
or anyone who refuses to talk about anything,
except their same shit.
I like to keep myself going though; however,
this is as honest as one could be,
I am always afraid to close these chapters
or better yet, I’m afraid that in some way,
I might lose my rhythm or that I might lose my voice
and that, somehow, I might lose my sense of self
or the personal validity that it takes to get up each morning
or to put on a clean pair of shorts and socks,
and to do what it takes to dress up
and face the world.

I have been at this now for quite some time.
I’ve been writing for years now and, to be clear,
although it would be nice to be recognized,
I’m not writing this for recognition.

I’m not writing this to please the critics who, in any case,
you can’t please them anyway . . .
(so, why bother?)
I’m not here with the hopes
or the ideas of finding myself somewhere on the New York Times
Best Sellers list.
I’m not here to drive my book sales
or anything like that.

No, that’s not my deal.

See, this isn’t a business to me.
This is more like a lifeline than anything else.
This is the one thing I have which brings us closer together
because without this, I’m not sure what I would have.

Without this (or you)
I don’t know what I would do
to settle the disputes in my head and, to be clear,
if not for this place then where could I find a spot
where I could be honest about myself, just for a moment,
or where could I go?
Where would I find a place like this one
without judgment or stigma?
If not for this place, where could I go to be safe
from the constant banter of back and forth sarcasm?

I say this because too many people look to take shots.
Too many people like to stir the pot
and disrupt the peace with their own bullshit.

I have come to the end of this particular part of my life.
And now, going forward,
I have new hopes.
I have new goals to attain. I have new dreams.
I have new places that I want to see.
I have new heights that I want to reach and, of course,
I have a new page to turn
(after this one).

I say this and I say this out loud as I type my thoughts to you.
Meanwhile, I am sitting down, poking away at these keys
while trying to imagine myself in the perfect setting of say
a dream house with the ocean out back,
a boat tied to a dock,
awaiting our attention,
and the warm sun is up there,
just waiting to greet the skin.

I say this to you because I am here,
in spite of the predictions which bet on me to quit
long ago. However,
I have refused to do so and therefore,
here I am . . .

This morning, I found myself driving along the Westside highway.
The hour was early so there was no traffic
and only a few cars, if any,
were around
to disturb my stream of thoughts. 

I’m not sure how we can measure our life.
I’m not sure if we can measure our life in moments of time
or whether we can measure the wealth of our life
with memories or little tokens of appreciation or mementos,
which signify and symbolize our past in tiny recollections
or in pictures and photographs that say,
yeah, that was me. I was there.
I did that.

What have I done?
But what have I really done?
What are my accomplishments?
What are the marks I have left behind?
Or wait, how have I embedded myself or embossed my existence
and left an imprint on the world?
Or better yet, how have I left a fingerprint
on this thing we call civilization?
That is, of course, if we can call this place civilized
or at minimum, if we can call this place civil.
If this is the case,
what have I done to say,
“yeah, that was me. I was there. I did that.”

It is morning on my side of Earth.
The warmth of the upcoming season has begun
to pull its trick
and the ideas of an evening at sunset
after a day in the sunshine, skin all tanned,
the breeze from the ocean
is enough to remedy any of the social ills around us
and to cap this off, the sky is turning colorful,
as if to celebrate the day
and give a little joy in nothing else but to be quiet for a moment –
no stress, no worries,
no thoughts of Monday or the powers in an office
and the bullshit politics that go along with it.

I am finding myself yet I know there’s a big piece of me
that’s still missing, which means that my search has to continue.
This means I have to make a move;
otherwise, nothing will change and
nothing will deviate from the standard.

I have to close this here
because I have to start my next plan,
which is a process that forms in stages. 

I have been asked, “So what do you want?”
Well, let me see . . .
That’s a big question and one that deserves all the honesty in my heart.
What do I want?
First, I want the dream. I want the feeling.
I want the connection to start and grow like a firework in the sky.

I want to see this shower in color and blossom,
like a burst of color in the nighttime air,
bright enough to light my way.

I want to end the disputes, which are no longer necessary.
I want to let go of this thing we call “insecurity”
and say goodbye to the imposter syndrome ideas that say
“hey, eventually, the world is gonna catch on
and people are going to recognize
that you’re one big phony!”

See, the reason for my journals is to report one undeniable fact about myself.
This is to declare that first, I am human.
And second, I am humble. I’m not a Rock-star, nor do I claim to be.
I’m not a know-it-all by any means.
I’m only another soul down here on this big rock, we call a planet.

I’m like you, traveling around the sun
and hoping to find a piece of something so huge that as small as this might be.
I want to find something
that brings me to the understanding which says,
“it’s good to see you . . . We’ve been waiting a long time
to say this to you kid, but here it is, Welcome home!”

I want love. I want hope.
I want to feel the rush and the rage of adrenaline like we did when we were young
and while I’m not out here to find the fountain of youth,
the reason I come here
is because I have been working on this idea for a long time – and to be honest,
without this, I would lose myself again.

Without this action, which I pull off each morning,
I think that I would lose myself even more than I was lost before –
as in before, before; as in before
when I finally found you and as in before,
when I was so far down that I swore
I’d never be able to climb back up
or reach the surface. 

I write these poems and variations of prose
to you because this helps me.
No, let me rephrase that,
You help me.
Really, you do.

You are the one who makes me want to be a better person;
and to me, what better way to say “thank you”
than to reach out to you as soon as I open my eyes
each morning- to let you know
how I see the sunrise,
to tell you how important you are to me and my life,
and that now that I have you with me,
I know the rides won’t always be smooth and easy, but hey,
at least I’ll never be alone again.

At least, I’ll never dare the edge again
or think that I’m not worth the chance to
go out there and reach for the stars

In one form or another,
I’ve always had people tell me about my abilities or tell me what I could or could not do.
I’ve had people tell me to quit while I was ahead. I’ve had people say, “keep dreaming,”
when I told them about my plans for the life I want to live.
I’ve had people tell me to settle for what I get
because what I want
is too far beyond my reach.

And, do you know what?
I used to listen to this –
I’d listen to this bullshit as if it were true – or as if it were law
But you . . .
You set me straight

And then . . 
Out of nowhere,
as if fate intended everything to be this way,
just so I’d know that with all the hardships
and ups and downs,
life comes together for us in unexpected ways.
And just like that, fate took hold,
like a ghost from the past, to walk up on me out of nowhere
in the middle of everywhere; as if to say,
“where’ve you been? I’ve been looking all over for you . . .”
and just like that,
I found you in the sea of billions

I’m closing now
It’s gonna be a good day
today . . .

Wait –
No. I’ll do you one better
It’s gonna be a good life

because of you . . .