Notes from the Neighborhood – With All My Heart

Aside from the common things we see around us and the not so common features of our everyday life, and aside from the twists and turns and life’s ability to change without any warning or aside from the way fate can change the direction of our paths, I have decided that at this point, I want to see the sunrise in different places. I want to see the world from a different perspective as well.
I want to smell the air from different avenues and catch the scent of the ocean from a different shoreline.
To be clear, I hold this imperative as sacred as I hold my own heart and as dearly as I hold my love and my life.

More than ever in my life, I have the need to run and jump and fly like the wind. I have so much in me. I have the energy of ten thousand men. But more, I have the drive and the will which, in all aspects, these two items are the only ingredients I need to outwill and overcome my doubts and my fear.
I have love in my heart and lust in my veins. I have a plan in my head and hope in my heart that while I know that time is short and time is of the essence, I also know that I want to make the time between us more meaningful and count for something more than just a simple moment.

As a matter of fact, I want the world. And I should have it too.
So should you . . .
I want the moon. I want the stars and the sun. And even more, I want to make everything count.
I want everything to have meaning. I want us to be worth more than the tick of a second, which is invaluable because time can never be replaced – and neither can we.
By the time you see this, I want to pave the way so that you’ll know exactly where I am, which is here . . .
Waiting. 

I want to make everything count.
I promise you this.
I don’t want to leave anything up to chance except, of course, I wouldn’t mind the chances we take when, say, we step out into the world and dance in the moonlight with complete and total abandon.

I want to walk hand-in-hand or arm-in-arm and be free to move anywhere and tell everyone I meet, “Hey, world. Do you see this?”
“This is me and this is her. And yeah, she’s with me!”

Aside from the dreams in my heart and the hopes that fate steps in and draws us even nearer than we are now, I want to see you in every version of light and beneath every ray of sunshine.
I want to watch your eyes reflect color, as if every tint from the rainbow is somehow jealous and muted because the truth is you are brighter than any color the rainbow has to offer.
So you know – this is all very true to me.
This is all too real, which is why I have dedicated this note to you and these journals of mine are all a testimony. This is all a road map and a description or the trips and falls or the peaks and valleys. This is all a sworn affirmation told to you by my heart. This is me bearing witness and testifying without care for my ego or pride. In all humility and modestly, I have removed the masks and the shields which I have hid behind for decades now . . .

I am confessing to the universe, both out loud and in print because, now more than ever before, I realize how precious our time can be.
I also realize how precious our life is.

Please know that this is how I see you.
In fact, this is the only way that I can see you.
You – precious as a field that exists in a dream of mine, which I have lived with since my older childhood.
And more, this is a version of you in which, as I see it, you are the only person in this world who is beautiful enough to let me say that yes, there are angels on earth.
And yes, love is real.
And yes, while I agree that love is hard to find, and the ideas of being happy are and can be elusive, as if to say, it’s easier find the end of a rainbow than a love like this – but still, from the moment I saw you for the very first time, I knew –

At the same time, I don’t know how this works.
To be honest, I don’t know much about how anything works.
Yes, I’m afraid to say what I am about to say.
I’m afraid to explain what I’m about to explain but somehow, I have to say it.
I am very new to this.
I am new to love. I am new to this kind of romance and I am timid, scared like a young boy, too nervous to talk to his very first crush.
And just so you know,  that’s you . . .

Not even decades can peel the clock enough to separate me from you.
Not even fate could stop the horses which gallop through my heart and charge through the wilderness . . . .
and bring me to you.

~

I have butterflies in my stomach right now.
I have butterflies in my stomach whenever I think of you.
And more, I have feelings in my heart that are bigger than the world itself.
But below my heart, I have the angst of a trillion horsepower.
I have an excitement in my body that could neither be stopped nor contained.
Why would I stop or contain this?
Why would I hide anything that I think or feel for you?

But again, I feel young and new.
I am unsure but at the same time, I have never been more sure about anything else in my life. Yes, love will see me through.
Yes, my love has been with me from the beginning of time because yes, fate and I go back a long way, to which fate has reached out to me, personally and said, “Get ready, son. Your real life is up next for take off.”

I am new to everything and, at last, I am freed like an animal who’s finally been released from his cage.
I am scared though.
I know you are too.

I’m afraid like most people are when it comes to the areas of love.
But to hell with my fear.
To  hell with the voices of insecurity.
To hell with my need to protect my fragile little bullshit ego.
And to hell with the male pride.
To hell with my posture and the times I pretended to be strong when, in fact, I was as weak as a dying leaf crashing down to inherit the ground and be lifeless or walked on, as if I meant nothing.
But to hell with this. I reject these items.
I reject the old stations of my life and the position I once took.

To hell with my past and to hell with the moments which I handled so poorly and which I failed to allow fate to pull off its trick.
To hell with the fact that I allowed my bias and my fears to prevent fate’s attempt to let me fall so deeply for you. I should have fallen deeply for you decades ago when the chance was right in front of me.

But to hell with this. 

To hell with my regrets.
I’m here now – daring the gods and daring the tides and daring the undertow of my existence because fuck it all; if I drown or submerge underwater then I will have gone out on my sword, fighting back for the one and only true thing in this world: And that is you, my love.

To hell with the blame I placed on me or on you or on anyone else in this world.
To hell with that. To hell with my delays and my emotional concepts that hurt me. To hell with the labels and the diagnosis.
To hell with the concepts of depression or the terms I was told about so long ago.
To hell with them because I know that it was you who said it first: To hell with anyone who fails me with their predictions that degrade me or my nest efforts.

To hell with the times where I allowed myself to turn inwards because I allowed my thoughts to cripple me which, in truth, is why I am fighting back and fighting so hard to move forward.

This is why I am fighting for my life – or maybe I should call this “my real life” because that’s what this is . . . my real life.
This is why I am swimming upstream and running up hills and yes, I know that it’s late in the game for me. But hey, I get it.
I’m late and at a disadvantage.
For the record, to hell with my age.
To hell with my disadvantages.
So what?
Who cares if I’m operating ahead of time or behind schedule?
At least I’m here.
(Aren’t I?)
At least I am brave enough to call out my fears. At least I stepped up and away from the places I have been. At least I pointed at the mirror and gestured towards the coward and said, “Not anymore.”

At least I pushed myself to shout about this at the top of my lungs.
And I mean it. Look at me now . . .
I am on top of the world, screaming louder than my lung’s capacity.

I am acting like some love sick boy, excited to touch and feel a girl for the very first time. Even more, I can go deeper than this.
I want to experience the vibration of your kiss and enjoy the participation of your touch which takes place when we connect in the séance of our skin.

~

I have to tell you these things because you are beyond-worldly to me.
Do you even understand what I am trying to say?

And dare I say this in fear that perhaps I might be too much for you now. Dare I risk the line or cross the boundary in fear that I might be too bold or too damaged or that my blood has run for too long.  And dare I say this in fear that my love might not land successfully or that my heart might go unreturned. But dammit to hell, I’ll say it anyway –
I’ll say it now and every minute of every day until my last breath robs me of my last and final words. 

I’ll say it here and now and put this out there for anyone who spies or snoops or whose curiosity is so great that they can’t mind their own goddamn business.

I love you.
That’s what I’ve come here to say.

~

It is no more or less a moment in time than it is a moment from my heart. I am here, literally bleeding and breathing in the air, so high and so cold in the atmosphere above earth yet, the only warmth I find out there is the warmth that comes from you.
I know this.

I am a child now. Yet, I am fully grown.
I am exposing every weakness.
I am revealing every doubt and flaw.

I am showing you my unseeable scars and invisible pains.

I am uncovering the cracks and imperfect features of my life.
But most of all, I am showing you something . . .
I like to call this my truth.

I’m not sure if I know exactly what the depth of someone’s touch is.
I know what it means to touch and feel with my hands.
I’ve been touched before. But this is something new.
I know what it’s like to have the wind blow through my hair or across my face. I understand the simple definitions of touch.
But at the same time, I have never known a touch like this, which is more like love, which is real and new to me, and fresh, as if I have never been touched by the sun or been free enough to look up and see the great blue sky – until now.

~

I am revealing this and as I do, I bring to light a small child who is the truest and oldest version of me from within.
This is the real me.
This is a child who has never been allowed to laugh in freedom nor see the stars without being blinded for his own protection.
I had to keep him safe because otherwise, he might see how beautiful the world can be – and he might want something one day. Or he might find love, or worse, he might want to share his love – and have it trashed or ripped away.

I had to blind him for his own safety. Otherwise, he might catch the scent of a few roses. Otherwise, he might want to step outside, which is how he was hurt in the first place.
He stepped out and showed his purity . . .
Therefore, he learned about the impurities around him.
So?
I covered him up to bury his shame and grew layers over my skin, otherwise known as me. Therefore, I am unveiling everything about me.
This is who I really am.
Naked and afraid.

~

I am living out loud now . . .
I am screaming from rooftops and across bridges and whether I carry this torch of mine to you over the plains or across oceans, above the mountaintops or beneath the depths of the deepest canyons; I am here to claim my heart and transfer this to you, in trust, so that together – we can make our dreams come true.

I am here to  claim the world, the stars, the sun, the moon and all the in-between details from simple to complex and with everything I have – I have come here to take advantage or, as we might say together, “Aprovechar!” because I am here to stake my claim.
I am here to take what I can and then . . . I’ll offer it all to you. 

So, take this from me, please.
This little thing which I hold in my hand, this is my heart.
So please, be careful.
This is all that I have.
And you can have it, if you want it.

Within it exists my love and my world, my wealth and all of my dreams, my inspirations, my aspirations and more valuable than anything else, this is where I carry my memories of things like a morning across from you at a breakfast spot in a little place that no one else knows about – except for us or anyone else who knows their way around South Beach.

You needn’t say anything.
Just hold my hand.
Just let me breathe in your breath so that I can have you fill my lungs.
Please, because I have never been here before – at least not really.
I never danced at a prom nor had a high school sweetheart.
I hardly ever had a real first date  . . .

I never knew my worth or my value before now, nor did I ever know that anything about me could ever be beautiful.
But I am now – I am beautiful because you have shown me the way. You have shown me the light and the world through the view of your eyes.

Like I said, I don’t know which way to go.
And I don’t know what to do.
All I know is this –
I have to open this up to the universe.
I have to get this off of my chest. 
I have to remove all the demons from the windings of my heart and then I have to let go of the past, which only knows how to repeat itself.
I have to step away from the old processes, which only continued, instead of surrendering to a new and better way.

~

Bottom line, if I want the rest of my life to begin, then I’ll have to begin here.
It seems like I’m just a kid  . . .
I am a child in the sense that I have never touched anyone like this before. I have never danced a slow dance beneath the moon and been so free that I can leave my weapons at rest.
Oh, and as for my rest, I can rest my weapons of self-destruction and let my wounds vanish in the paleness of a bluish moonlight. 
I can allow myself to surrender the fights against invisible enemies that never existed and finally, I can let go of the one-sided battles that took place in my head.
(They nearly killed me.)

I can heal now.
You know?

I can stop the fight.
Right here and right now.
I can surrender –

I can be the kid again, pure as ever, smiling inside of me, free from being hidden away for as long as I can remember.
I want to free the madness because at one point (or another) I learned about shame.
And shame’s a bitch
I learned about rejection and humiliation; and since then, I never let the boy out to play.
No.
He’s been kept inside for too long. But he’s not been kept away for so long that he never remembers the sunshine or the moonlight or the way morning comes and changes the horizon
.
He has not been locked away long enough that he has forgotten what it means to play – but, in fairness, it’s been a while since he’s seen the light – so please, be patient with him.
I’m sure he will flinch when he sees the sun again. But ah, once this child within me understands that the sun is only there to warm his skin; trust me when I tell you – he will show you everything there is to know about me
Scars and all . . .

~

I suppose this is not so tough of me nor manly-
Then again, I have never been tough
I’m just a boy who’s only learning how to dance or how to play, or how to laugh without worrying that perhaps my smile might be crooked or that my laugh might sound funny.

Do you see what I mean now?
Do you see what I mean when I talk about the derangement of insecurity?
Do you see what I mean about the soul’s blindness when it is misled by lies or the unfathomable ideas that any child is anything but beautiful.

And do you know?
I want to be beautiful

I want to be special.
I want to give up my past,
I want to surrender my hate and let go of my rage, which in my past; this was all that I had to keep safe and protect me from the world. 

~

I don’t want to hate anymore.
I don’t want to fight or hurt.
I just want to love you.
I want to open the door and find you there beyond the entryway and past the vestibules of my dreams.
I want to explore you.
I want to hold you.

But more –

I want to let go of my old self so that my new self can love you and that, at last, the boy can be free, and us . . .
Man, the two of us can dance.
We can sing.
We can walk from here to anywhere because with you by my side, I will never be afraid of the emptiness again.

Hold my hand though, please.
The boy has fear. But you have magic.
And that’s all it takes.

I will never look back. I will never let go.
I will never leave your side and more, I will love you with all of my heart and with all of my soul and with all that I have.
I will give myself to you from now until whenever.

And so, from this day forward, so shall it be that you and I will hold hands.
You and I will walk the world.
We will see the sunshine and notice the rainbows because as bright and as beautiful as they are, nothing in the world could ever be as bright or as beautiful as you –
Trust me – I swear it . . .