What Do You Know (You’re Just a Kid) Ch. 7

Once more, I should explain that this journal was inspired by a special someone who shared some truths about their story with me. I was asked, “How come nobody ever told me these things?”
I don’t know the answer to this. And to be clear, I’m not sure that it is true if someone tried to talk about this or not. I am, however, a full believer in the saying that when the student is ready, the teacher appears.
I’m not sure if I was ready or able to understand certain items of my youth. Least of all, I am not sure that I would have believed that anyone could or would have explained my thoughts or feelings in a way that I could understand.

So –
I was trying to figure out where the separation begins. Where do we start to learn about our differences? I would assume this begins when we branch out from the nursery. It would be safe to say that this happens when our immediate circle of influence expands beyond the crib and the toddler years.
This begins when we start to meet new kids in the playpens and sandboxes. We see new toys. We experience envy. We notice the differences in our size or shape, the color of our skin, the details of our face.
Socialization is important. This is vital to our future. But even more crucial is how we acclimate and learn to adapt to our surroundings. Yet, is this something that we talk about?
Does anybody ever explain what an insecurity is? Is this quickly discussed and left out there, like some unread letter or an unopened email that no one pays attention to?
Yet, teachers and admins claim that they did their best. Meanwhile, they reached out to us and their kids, in some unnoticed way, and then they defend themselves the same as corporations do by saying, “Well, we sent out an email.”

A lot of things begin at school.
This is when we start to grow and learn how to interact.

If you can, I’d like to ask you to take a minute.
Think about the first time you walked into a classroom. Maybe it’s first grade.
Think about the first time you went to junior or senior high.
Think about the different kids in the class. Think about your association with how they dressed or how they looked. What can you remember about this?
Where was your comfort level?
Were you excited? Intimidated?
What took place when you started to notice the different sections of the crowd?
I ask this with a specific purpose in mind.

School is far more than the start of the educational process. This is more than the place where we learn about the ABC’s or the 1,2,3’s. This is more than Earth Science or Math class.
This is an experiment for sure.
This is where we notice the difference between beautiful and undesirable.
This is where popularity and social importance seems to creep in.
It is here where we start to think and recognize the different types of crowds and, yes, this is where we begin to consider the different scenarios of the crowd.

School is the breeding ground for new beginnings. Yes, I agree.
This is also the breeding ground where insecurities begin. This is where we learn about the different levels and the importance of the crowd. This is where body shaming takes off to a brand new level.
This is where the introductions take place to your new friends (or the lack thereof) and where kids are introduced to bullying, shame or the list of other social tragedies that take place in our younger life – to leave behind the unseeable scars or teach us more about social traumas and different social anxiety disorder.
Or like the government, school and where you sit in the school’s cafeteria or where or who you play with on the playgrounds, or how you perform in gym class – are you strong or tough? Are you good looking? Are you good in sports, at least? Or not? Or, name any of the other social settings you can think of and this is where you’ll find the pressure begins. This is where we learn about the different branches of popularity.

No one talks about this –
Maybe these topics go out and become filed as one of those unread emails.
However, these are real challenges when you are a kid.
But this does not mean that our thoughts are true.
I can say that as a person who has spoken in different schools and to different grades and people of all ages, regardless of cultural or different backgrounds, there is a relatable truth to the association of the crowd.
There has always been an interesting relation to this – yet, as obvious as this might sound, I agree, this is seldomly spoken about. At least, not in an in-depth way or deep enough to create a mutual and reciprocal level of interpersonal understanding.

Some kids have an easier time with this. Some hide their challenges better.
Some of the kids in our class were born with different talents or desirable traits and some were less fortunate or less popular.

Some kids see themselves as less-than good looking or otherwise, they see themselves as less than desirable.
It is amazing what this can do to a kid . . .

I used to hope that this type of thing would end after high school. But no, the different branches of social activity, popularity and the different chapters of people, places or things and the desirability of prestige or job titles, wealth or economic and geographical attractiveness is still a game we play. I call this a game yet we play this long after the comparisons of who has the best toys in the sandbox or who is the prettiest girl in class (or boy . . . or otherwise).
I used to think this would end after high school.
But no.
Rather than compare the toys we have or the video games we play, or rather than think about the arts of the crowd, which we tried to master after school, the comparisons and the areas of the playgrounds expand beyond the schoolyard. Next, it’s keeping up with the Joneses – or he who dies with the most toys wins – or who has the nicer home or the better car.
Or like a shirt that I saw when I was a kid (and yes, I have written about this before) because I remember this shirt very well. We are social and status conscious,
I refer to the shirt again –
The shirt said, “It’s not who you are. It’s what you wear because nobody cares who you are anyway.”
I saw this as a great analogy of how the different levels of our interactive and social governments and the different measures of popularity seem to work.
The popular rule the roost.
But why?

No one wants to be the ugly one or the unlikable one.
No one wants to be excluded or isolated or unwanted and unworthy.
Think about the different kids in the classroom.
Think about the one who walks in the room and for whatever the reason may be, all eyes are on them.
Now, think about the one who is picked on or excluded from every party or social adventure.
Think about the person who sort of blends in and would otherwise seem invisible, as if no one would even notice if this person disappeared – forever.

No one wants to be that absent face in the crowd or to be seen as unremarkable.
No one wants the stigma or the markings of shame.
And there are rules and unwritten regulations of the crowd.
Survival of the fittest, right?
Is that it?

I can offer that the worst in my heart was to to be in-between – to be unnoticed or unthought of, which is to neither be good looking or bad looking but otherwise, to be totally and completely mediocre.
I hated this thought – to not be good looking or bad, just totally undiscovered and invisible.
Like vapor in the air. You know it’s there but other than that; no one sees it.
I was always afraid to be this; to be in the middle or to be unseen or undetected and virtually faceless and not included – or, another worse, or socially tragic fate would be as if for some reason, there was some kind of inclusivity or surprised invitation.
Yet, nothing would be worse than to be included or invited to “the party” let’s but none of this mattered if you just bled into the scene, or sat as an outsider on the inside, or in other words, I was afraid to be like a piece of expected furniture, it would be as if I weren’t there at all. I am not the only one who lived with this mindset – to not be included or unnoticed because of my lack of quality or due to the lack of drawing power or attractiveness, or due to an absence of charisma or charm, or as a result of the totally average or mid-level status quo, which I feared was me; and due to my worry that I was nothing else but a faceless brand, nothing was worse than being somewhere and being of no regard or no affect.

“Again, I go unnoticed” was a poem of mine.
This was the first time I was brave enough to talk about this.
School is more than the place for ABC’s and 1,2,3’s.

We learn about the different levels of social governments and social desirability. We notice the different cliques, but we rarely discuss this. We never look to understand the pathology or the psychology of the crowd. Better yet, we never dig into the depths of our truths and talk about the natures of our insecurities. We never talk about the pathology behind why we assume the worst or how we allow our tragic thinking to take the lead.

No one breaks this down to us.
No, we are told to play fair. Be nice. Don’t hit. We are told about the basics, but no one ever openly discusses the discomforts or the invisible pains which nobody sees yet, we feel them.
We do our best to fix our smiles and cover up – so nobody sees our imperfections. We hide ourselves so nobody knows that deep inside, we are actually weak.

I have spoken about this in different presentations and although my presentations varied from classrooms to college lectures and even in the boardrooms to large conference rooms and also broadcasted in Webex shows – there is a constant level of relatability with this subject.

Everyone wants to be valid or at least validated. Everyone wants to be included and to be counted or heard and involved. While I offer applause to the efforts of diversity, equity and inclusion strategies, I have found that there is an unaddressed and avoided truth that comes with this territory.
We run from feelings or truthfully emotional discussions.

We have to unlearn what we have learned. We have to separate from our own internal judgement and remove ourselves from our unhelpful and biased assumptions.
We need to recognize that internal judgment is far more toxic and damaging than say, someone else who judges or has an opinion.
The mind is the biggest bully of them all . . .
We have to learn to separate ourselves from our old traumas and experiences that somehow put us down or showed us that there was something wrong with us or that we were different from the crowd.
We have to remove the shame from being different because why should being different be bad?
In fact, being different should be honored and celebrated . . .
But try telling this to someone who sees themselves as left out because they are too different to be included.
We have to recognize that our placement in the social chapters and the interactive governments or popularity are based on assumption and interpretation; and more, this is where judgment is learned and where our internal concerns lead us astray.

I have been judged.
I have been discredited.
I have had people put me down because of the way I speak or the way I look.
I admit that my choice of style is or might not be so desirable. Maybe my choice of looks is not a fit for the corporate world and that while the tattoo culture is changing, and as the years improve and our cultures seem to update with younger reserves and troops in the corporate world – still, I have encountered judgment. I have seen racism and prejudice.
I was judged and put down.
I have been told about my privileges and that I should count my lucky stars. At the same time, I am quite sure that while my problems are subjective and specific to me, no one has the right to belittle who I am, nor does anyone have the right to minimize what I have gone through or what I have done or accomplished. Certainly, no one has the right to exclude me or simply write me off because I do not fit in their chapters of “cool.”
I might not fit the social constructs but whether I do or not, I am fit to sit at the “cool kids” table is only as important as I allow this to be.

I have seen the important lessons come true that yes, we are taught about our differences at a young age. Yes, we are shown the different levels of popularity.
But while I agree that kids today are seemingly more accepting than when I was younger, and that while cultures have changed or perhaps improved; still, the pathology and psychology of the crowd is a valuable lesson for people of all ages.

I can tell you this:
I know the most valuable lesson came to me the day I decided to dismantle the old platforms in my head. I had to take apart the old concepts and my association of the crowd. I had to understand and learn to remove myself from my old, toxic and stressful or biased assumptions. I had to divorce myself from the mindset that limited me as a person as well as a professional.

I had to repeal the old but faulty thinking and remove myself from my trained responses and assumptions.

So, lastly, I say that school is the breeding ground for insecurity.
At the same time, this is where our lessons on socialization begin.
This means it pays to speak honestly and openly.
Learn about the difference between truth and irrational insecurities.
Learn how to improve your awareness and raise your social level of emotional intelligence.
Recognize who you are.

It’s not what you wear.
It’s who you are.
It’s not what you have . . .
It’s what you bring to the table.
It’s not what people think about you –
It doesn’t matter what others believe . . .
It’s what you believe about yourself that matters the most.
Strengthen this and I promise you –

You will be unstoppable!

Trust me.