What Do You Know (You’re Just a Kid) Ch. 8

What does it mean to be okay?
Better yet, what does it mean to be okay with all that goes on?
Or, wait . . .
What has to happen for a switch to take over in the mind?
What needs to take place for us to come to a realization where we understand that yes, “it is what it is” and when this happens, is this what occurs when acceptance takes place?

“I am what I am.”

I remember listening to a speaker discuss the concept of “when.”
He asked the crowd, “When is it your turn to have the life you want to live?”

This has been something that I’ve been working on for as long as I can remember.
When is it my turn?
When will I be, “okay?”
When will I stop myself from getting in my own way?
All are great and valid questions.

I offer this as a means to gain a mutual understanding.
But also, I want to outline this to add flavor to this discussions.
I want to make this real. Plus, I offer these ideas because, to me, all of the above have been life long questions.

I suppose the hardest parts of my youth were the different stages of awkwardness. Maybe it was the constant rate of comparison, or perhaps it might have been the competitiveness of life – as in, who is better looking, who has more, who is more desirable, who wore better clothes or who dressed better and in comparison, who the hell am I?
Who did I want to be?
Another great question.

In fairness, I tried on different personalities like costumes. And to be transparent, none of them were a good fit for me. In part, none of this was even real – no, the only thing that was was my need to fit or be comfortable.
Other things that were real:
Awkwardness was real to me. My discomfort and social anxiety were real.
The oddness between myself and others or the strangeness that took place when being in a crowd of people – this was real too.
Do you know what else was real?
To be unsure of how to be myself or to experience that sense of sureness which would dictate if I was cool (or not) and yes, this was real. So was the constant volume of overthought and assumptions I’d come to. All of this . . .
This was all very real to me.

What do you know . . .
You’re just a kid!
Yes, I was a kid. And yes, I thought this way.
Do you want to know what I knew?

I knew that I was unsure of why or how things worked.
I knew that it seemed as If I was alone or as if no one else would understand, as if I were somehow diseased in some sad or social way, like a leper or a pariah.

Hence, I ask this question which is the same question that I’ve been asking for as long as I can remember.
What does it mean to be okay?
What does it feel like to be comfortable in one’s own self and, if at all possible, how does someone overcome their own internal adversity?
I have other journals, such as Inside The Thought Machine that talks about these struggles.
I have offered this as a topic in table top meetings and in my interactive presentations.
What does it look like to be able to face yourself in the mirror?
When you see your reflection, what does it mean to look and not just be content, or not only be satisfied with your reflection; but more, what does it mean to look in the mirror and be proud of what you see?
Essentially, is this what it means to truly be free?

Keep in mind, when I say “proud” of what you see –
this is not to say proud as far as what we look like. No, when I say being “proud” of what we see, I mean this is a full and total regard.
What does it mean to look in the mirror and realize that we are not only able but capable of anything?
We can go, be and do, and we are thriving, we are building and we are reshaping life as it moves around us.
What would it be like if we looked in the mirror and saw ourselves as imperfectly perfect?
We are content and happy –
We are peacefully aware and in full-understanding and in a humble accord with the universe, with all that goes on and even with all that goes wrong – still, as we face ourselves and our truths in the mirror and with all of our hearts and humility, what does it mean to be okay with this?

The idea of encountering total peace and to be at harmony with oneself has always been interesting to me.
But, I ask:
Is this possible?
Is this simply a matter of acceptance, as if to “accept” what “is” or like it says in a famous prayer (AKA: The Serenity Prayer) is this a matter of accepting the things we cannot change while finding the courage to change the things we can and having the wisdom to know the difference – Is this it?
Is this the trick?

I have spoken with you before about the different stations of the crowd. Similar to the different positions in the family tree, or for example, when it comes to the scapegoat, the lost child, the mascot, or the family hero; are these position valid in the crowd as well?
(I think they are.)

I have tried on countless different personalities – I wore them like outfits and posed in the mirror – just to see what would fit me –
or not.
I think about the nights in my young adulthood. Although I am far from young, these nights are not too far back that I cannot remember them.
Do you remember thinking about what you were going to wear when you went out?

I think about the times when I would try on different outfits. I’d put on the first outfit, which was my original plan – and then I would see myself in the mirror.
I wouldn’t like it or I would see a flaw. I would think about the last time I wore this out and then I didn’t people to think I wore the same outfit all the time.
Then I would change.
Then I would stand in front of the mirror and see how this looked.
But again, I wouldn’t like it, or I would see something that urged my insecurity or a thought would take place that discouraged me even more.
So, I would change again and try on a different outfit.
I can remember doing this, over and over again.
I remember trying on different outfits, only to go back to my original choice –
Did you ever do this?

See . . .
The outfit was not the problem; however, the problem was my discomfort with my reflection.
Hence, this is why I ask the question now –
What would it look like to stand in front of the mirror and be in harmony with what you see?

I never dared to talk about these things before. I never dared to tell anyone about this, except for you, of course. Yet – you are only real to me now, and you are only real to me when I am here. I am only here because you and I are two crazy people in this world. We only exist here because both of us are two people who only exist in my head – or, otherwise, perhaps all of this is simple a fixation. All of this is due to an association of rejective ideas and past experiences.
Maybe we should just shake that off . . .
NO?

By the way, do you know what this is called?
Common . . .
That’s what this is.

This is common.
Insecurity and discomfort is all common.

Some people hide this well. Some people have a prettier shell or pass themselves off in a better light.
Some people never know that they are amazing and like changing my outfits in the mirror, most people are unaware that they don’t need to change a thousand times, just to go back to the beginning, to find their original beauty.

When is it your turn to have the life that you want?

I wish someone would have encouraged me with this when I was young.
Rather than tell me, it’s just life or you’re just a kid and you’ll understand when you get older . . . I wish someone encouraged these kinds of conversations.
I wish I knew that there are others out there who think and feel and have their own challenges of “self.”

I remember there was a young man who approached me after a high school presentation.
He asked if we could talk. Then a small group came behind him.
The group became bigger –
They asked to talk as well.
We went into a room where we all cried.
All of us.
Not just me. They cried too.

They asked:
How come no one ever talked about this with us before?

My answer is this –

People are scared.
Maybe people think that if they don’t talk about it – maybe things like this will just . . . go away.
But they never do.
Parents are afraid that their kids will think this way, and that adds with their projections and their biased assumptions and as a parent trying to protect their kids from harm or hurt feelings, most Moms or Dads will try to push their kids through this because they don’t want them to focus on the pain which, for the record, doesn’t make the pain go away.

Talking helps.
Hearing someone express this is helpful.
To find out that as alone as you might seem, you’re really not alone at all.

I have tried to deny my emotional challenges and crisis for most of my life –
Do you know what that did for me?
Nothing.
This has done nothing but ruin relationships, prevent me from connecting with others, kept me in fear, and while always turning inwards as if to figuratively curl in some kind of afraid or pathetic fetal position; stuffing my feelings or hiding from my truths, or keeping myself “locked-up” instead of allowing myself to be free has done nothing else but lead me to ask the world, “What does it mean to be okay?”

I am a work in progress.
So are you for that matter . . .
But then again, aren’t we all?

Maybe that’s what it means to be okay.
You think?